I looked into the sun and sneezed as my eyes watered and my face felt warm deep into my skull. A 5 year old really does not know any better. Mom held my hand as I cried, blood still fresh on my arm and my clothes. The doctor tried to ease the pain, but the cut was deep to the bone. A 10 year old and a new pocket knife are the first of many hard lessons one can only learn and not be taught.
As I looked out over the ocean towards a distant horizon, I became smaller as the world grew in size around me. The sun set and darkness fell upon the moonless waters. My hands disappeared before me. Startled by unfamiliar sounds and the roar of crashing waves, I sought refuge and safety within. Eyes closed, only the wind leaves tactile traces of the outside world. A waking dream. Floating on the ocean in a boat of own my making. At thirty one only begins to comprehend the scope of the universe and her place on Earth.
The time in between is perceived in growing increments of ever faster moving time. At 48 I remember seeing that 5 year old standing on the side of the road, her gaze always upwards. I remember the sun, the blood and the pain, laughter, love, the open ocean 100 miles from shore and a lifetime of living with spectacular highs and crushing lows. I look back and see that little girl is me and she is still looking to the sky and out in to the distance as the journey unfolds.
This is a timelapse of my recent digital painting done on my iPad. I think it’s pretty cool one can go back and rediscover or just see the creative process flow in a condensed stream. This painting only took about two hours to complete. Like professional athletes artists can now review their performance. Not that it is a competition but the magic of technology allows us to create in ways that simply are not possible with traditional media. You don’t get instant do-overs and undos with paint or clay. You just have to start over. Technology is allowing me to discover more and practice or try out ideas on a piece without the worry of screwing it up. It does not change the process of creative exploration. It just speeds it up.
We come into this world full of piss and vinegar ready to take on the world, full of great ideas, able to do anything. Innocence is a beautiful thing still as yet uncorrupted. Then the world sees our zeal for life and pisses on us. Years later we sour, become jaded and realize we can’t really do a GD thing to change anything. Yeah we can affect our immediate world and even ourselves, but it never really catches hold.
Midlife comes and everybody who is not a friend sucks ass, does stupid stuff and screws the rest of the world in general. Not yet defeated we keep putting on the good face and try to go with the flow in some way. By the time we are intelligent and wise enough to understand the world and maybe have the idea that could truly change the world, we are to old to give a damn. The world forgets us and we leave this world. Our dying wish: I hope my kids and grandkids can have it better… make it better.
Maybe it’s time for an evolutionary change. Let our young children rule the world with the oldest generation as their guide. The rest of us between the age of of 13 and 70 are not allowed to touch anything. We are only along for the ride until we can behave.
I have to post this. I don’t like to talk about my weaknesses. Who does really? It has taken years to deal with and even understand why I am the way I am. I still don’t have all the answers. But I do understand my battle with depression more now than I ever did. It is painful and personally embarrassing to say I can relate to every single thing he has said just in the first 15 minutes. I have been battling major depression for years. I know and understand my condition, mostly. I can say without a doubt it has been the second most difficult struggle of my life. It is a war with myself to stay ahead of this disease. And I do keep fighting. I dream of one day being free of depression’s grip.
Exercise, diet, therapy and medications make a huge difference. I don’t like to take medicines unless I absolutely have to. I know I have to in order to treat this disease. I know many people out there can relate to this. I know many people out there suffer from depressions. We all do. Some of us, unfortunately, don’t just come out of it. No, it REALLY does not get better. No matter how hard we try. Some of us suffer from chronic, recurring depression. This is where the meds, exercise, etc. come in to play.
It hurts your pride to admit your faults. But I beg you. If you suffer from major depression. If someone you know suffers from major depression. Get help please. We cannot always do everything ourselves. Getting help is not a weakness. It takes strength to admit you need help.
It is a war with myself to stay ahead of this disease.
I keep fighting.