Instant Message

I am a grown woman and capable of enjoying many different things in life. I proudly admit to being a Platinum Card carrying lesbian (read: never been with a man, TMI I know). I am also also more than capable of flirting with just about anyone. I love to mess with men’s heads.  All my flirtees know I am not in to men. But flirting and talking serious shit is fun and healthy. Especially with certain people. I have this great guy friend, Art. We have known each other for a while now, though we have never met in person. Art makes me laugh and is really a sweet guy. But OMG can he lay it on. I know it is not what he wants to hear but he is like having a big brother in a way. We do flirt and talk smack and it is fun for both of us. I like Art. Every woman needs a friend like Art. Especially if you are Bi or Straight. But we won’t get into that. Let’s just say I know things. LOL

Anyway. I need to set the rest of this story up. I posted a status on one of my profiles that Art sees. I think it was something about starting my first book, having some ideas, but not sure where to start. Rarely will I share something like this. But I just had too. Now I know everyone is going to get that WTF? look in their eyes after reading it. Believe me I am not going straight and I am not slipping in to the bisexual slipstream either. So without further delay in its completely unedited format:

Instant Message… art signs on…

art: It was a dark and stormy night…..
Nikki Dreams: … and the two lovers curled by the stone hearth. distant lightning illuminating their eyes in the dark
art: she slid his hand onto her heaving breasts….. her breath quickened…..
Nikki Dreams: … he rose above her and held is body just above hers running is lips gently along her torso from her neck down towards her naval
art: using his tongue he flicked it in between gently kissing her naval  her hands pushing him further
Nikki Dreams: … her pelvis gently  rising to meet his anxious tongue. He pulls back momentarily. teasing her with the warmth of his breath
art: licking and sucking on her engorged clit he sucks it softly and then hard biting it ever so slightly ….. she lets out a moan!
Nikki Dreams: uuuuooooohhhhh…. her hand rise to her breasts. twisting and rubbing her nipples with each wave of pleasure
art: aggressively he plants in tonge inside her, she screams for god!
art: he works his tongue on her like a jack hammer….
Nikki Dreams: Her mind is lost in ecstasy. Her legs and arms trembling. She trows her head deep into the pillows on the floor…
art: While licking her even harder he feels her love juice begin to spill from her,  using a thick but manicured finger he pumps into her …… she begins to grind her hips …..
Nikki Dreams: beads of perspiration begin to pool in the curves of her neck and stomach. Her moans lost in the occasional thunder and pouring rain
art: he catches her image as the lightning illuminates the room….. her breasts so firm and ripe nipples stiff and aching to be attended too.  She too sees that he is very aroused!
Nikki Dreams: … And I am totally posting this on m blog today!!!
art: go for it sweetie….. let me know what your readers think
Nikki Dreams: It will be interesting!!

Song Bird

What far wind doth blow upon gentle cheek
Soft fingers caress rays of golden light
Amber tendrils silken morning dew
Mists rise sleepily over quiet restful fields
Nights brave travelers retire to your place
Peering tentative steps break cold shadows
High upon your nest breaks on rays of newborn sun
Turning fortunes daily gamble
Step to view a clearing in lost night
Breath stirring intention wakes in parting moments

Newborns eyes do shutter to slowly open anew
Mothers arms cradled tiny child
Words upon ear sounds quietly sung

Wake beautiful daughter
Wake and feel the day
I love you little one
My gift unto this world

…and everything is not as it seems

Prelude:
The lights seem to flicker in hazes of distant memory
A smile transfixed upon faces of the dying
Kind words breaking the shy silenced comfort

Run with me in these solum covered hills
Where grass grows unchallenged in the light
Rain calls to the moments of continued growth
Nature’s healing brush upon the scar of land
Fertile seeds carried upon silent whispers

Broken soil heavy burden new leaves emerge
Snows of fallen petals paint your scattered masterpiece
Renewed cycle follow timeless endings
Grow in life’s endless freedom
A place, a time, a moment relived

Telos:
The mound of broken soil fresh in tender green
Securely in the distance endings swallowed whole
This shallow grave a fortress of tragedy’s hidden terror

The Scent of a Woman

Her lips fall from her cheek. Her lips leave delicate caresses moving slowly along her lovers neck. A familiar scent tempts her senses. As her nose grazes the softest parts of her neck and fills with the warmth of her skin and the scent of a woman. She stops to inhale all she can absorb. Her lover deep within her arms. She rests her chin and cheeks withing the comforting cradle between her shoulder and neck.

Laying there almost motionless she waits. Breathing gently, delicately along the depth of her lover’s neck. Just below and slightly behind her ear. Her lover quivers at the soft brushes of warm breath. She takes in slow deep breaths from her lover’s body. The scent is intoxicating. Her eyes close as she takes in the sweet, warm fragrance. A rush flows over her body as she takes breath after breath of her lover.  Together they flow within each other only aware of the other. Safe in loving embrace.

Sorry guys this is not for you. I realize men do love women as women do men. And that is all very beautiful too. But there is no comparison for what a woman can share with another woman. Our sense of smell and touch, power of emotion and depth of passion. It is beyond magical.

I sensed this from a very early age. I have never been promiscuous or even that adventurous in reality. Maybe it was fear, maybe it was circumstance, But I always noticed. I always felt it. I remember my first girlfriend well. She would leave her scent on my cloths, the notes she left me and in my mind. I could remember every detail of her and later girlfriends by remembering that fragrance. The way a woman’s skin  smells. Fresh from the shower, after a light workout, while she is making love. It is so very intoxication.

No perfumes or man-made scents can compare. There are many wonderful perfumes that enhance a woman’s unique scent. But too much and the effect is lost. I love, Adore and Desire women. I always have. I know more than ever that will never change. I am proud to be an out open lesbian.  My life has been blessed by some amazing women as frineds and lovers. Even now I cannot help but study a beautiful woman as she walks by. Not out of lust but out of sheer artistic appreciation. The female form is the most amazing thing to behold. There is beauty in all women.

The way she walks. The way she smiles, laughs, loves and cries. The way she brushes the hair from her face on a windy day. The way she turns and smiles at a passing friend. The way she lights up a room. The way she holds her infant child as she breast feeds. I admit to being an admirer of the superficial. But I love what is inside just as deep. I cannot help what I like. What I adore. None of us can. It is the way we are born. I was born to love and cherish women. And I respectfully do so with great pleasure every day.

Every once in a while that amazing scent is lifted in to the air. When you realize it on the street, in a shop or anywhere…. OMG the memories and the warmth… the desire.

I know many women are horrified at the thought of another women finding her attractive. But you should not be. I do not want to be with every woman I see or meet. Not all women are attractive in that way to me. And so it is for anyone. But there is still this undeniable beauty non-the-less. More often than not I simply enjoy the gift of admiring her beauty. I notice women. I love fashion. I can watch other women for hours on end simply enjoying how each moves or the simple silhouette in the sunlight. I capture women in my mind for inspiration. I only hope I can express my fondness for women in a meaningful and beautiful way in my art and writing.

To all women – thank you for being you. You are beautiful.

Portrait of Kim

A Friend - K.T.

I started drawing again a couple weeks ago after about a 15 year hiatus from drawing. Yeah a few stupid sketches here and there but not really trying. I spent 7 years in Art School that my daddy paid for. Why 7 years? Well to be totally honest my daddy paid for me to get really high for about 4.5 of those years and I was in a 5 year design program. I switched majors to ceramics which I adore in the 5th year. I had had enough of my asshole design teachers. they did not like me and I did not like them either. One of them I did anyway.

So yes I have told dad I was a stoner. I am not proud of it. I don’t regret ever trying drugs. Everyone should get really stoned at least once in their life. I do regret how I wasted so much of my dads hard earned money on pot and an extra 2 years in school. And I do regret not sticking with my art for so long. I had been previously distracted by life’s little curve balls. Well a big one but we will leave it at that.

So back to my art. I was a graphic design and advertising geek. I think I have mentioned that before. I realized a couple years after graduating how much I hated advertising. I got out of are pretty much all together not long after that.

Now I find myself longing to re-ignite the fire that kept me going for so long. Art. I love drawing portraits. I am fascinated by faces. Especially women. I am never going to quit my art again. I love to draw, write and play my guitars. I just need to find a way to make a living at it.

In critique: This is not a stellar drawing. It’s practice. I draw my friends from pictures. The picture was at an angle to start with but still her nose is too long. Cheeks a little to big and her mouth is off. In reality Kim is a beautiful woman I adore. I have never actually met her in real life. I really hope I do some day. She has a heart of gold. I find her striking. Long shiny dark hair and beautiful eyes to match her positive attitude.

Kim if you ever read this I promise I will do better next time.

Sanctuary

She sits in her bed.

It is nearly 5:00 in the afternoon.

Her bedroom, her sanctuary. She is me.

My own best friend and worst enemy.

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Do I even notice myself here? My bed is filled with blankets pillows and creature comforts. Kettle popcorn, computer pencils and drawing pad adorn my comfort zone. A scented candle burns on one of two night stands surrounding me. The rails of the canopy bed are hung with multicolored scarves and pastel sheers to soften my space. The white on white room is only mildly tidy. The colors of dark and unpainted furniture are all that break the white on white expanse of walls. A disorganized room for a disorganized woman.

I am in my head again. Deep within my head. I have been traveling there a lot more these past few weeks. My only distractions being reading my book “Curse the Dawn” by Karen Chance, drawing, playing my guitars, I have several, and my purgatory online, social networking. I go to work and the gym of course. Yeah I joined a gym a couple weeks ago. I am glad I did. It feels really good to sweat and lift weights. I have been so horribly out of shape. I am going to get my supermodel body if it kills me. I know I will never be a supermodel. A fetish or pinup model would be really cool. Oh yeah. That has been a secret in my heart for some time. I always wanted to be a supermodel from about the first day I saw Cristy Brinkley. I had a poster of her in my locker in Jr High. I wanted to be her. I still think she is one of the most beautiful women in history.

Still in my sanctuary. I am listening to chill music videos like Fink and Breaks Co-op. I keep trying to draw something through the haze of confused and trouble thoughts. I admit I don;t have a perfect life. I don’t have a fucked up life either. I have built something from nearly nothing… again. the hardest part about that is that I have NO friends here. Not real hang out any ole time hay stop by kind of friends anyway. I think I only ever had one of those my entire life. I like my job but I do not make friends with people at work. It’s just too complicated. It has nothing to do with being a lesbian either. I am out REALLY out in that regard.

I did manage to make what may turn out to be a really true and lasting friend up in Sonoma county. Dr. D. I call her. She has a heart of gold and deserves so much better than me. We have enjoyed each other company very much lately. I care about Dr. D so I won’t taint her life with my details here. Let’s just hope I don’t fuck up that relationship anymore than I may have already done. Side not: it’s almost comical that we talk on the phone frequently but neither of us can hear what the other is saying half the time. My friend in the stix. 😉 

Half a bag of popcorn down the chute and I can tell the sun is setting. Not because the clock says 5:23 but I can sense it. I have one window facing another window in an alley of sorts. A void between two Victorian houses really. Not much light here but I still feel it. I think I am going to keep writing. I am not getting very far with the drawing thing today. Maybe I will do that tomorrow. Maybe not. I have several things I really need to do or plan. I keep putting then off too.

Is this what it was life when I was a teen the first time around? I’m here again. Young of mind and filled with angst, emotion and unsure of many things. I guess this may just be the price of coming out so late in life. I’m working on a plan. Not sure what really. I told Dr. D I don’t make plans anymore. She commented “Why, because you just breaking them again?” Ouch. Funny but not. She was dead on.

I’m still here in my sanctuary. A unsure, maybe fading place of peace and comfort.

Or

Am I just hiding from life and running from something?

A Moment

For a moment…

The armor turned to veils of translucent, vulnerable, welcoming…

The walls turned to dust in hands of warming comfort…

The thoughts of healed simple pleasures rang true…

The fear that chased away open-hearted song subsided…

The haunted memories of stricken night turned to sunlight…

The comforting embraces lasted a lifetime…

The wishes and desires of two became one…

The sense of belonging embrace a tortured soul…

The momentum carried forward…

…and all was right in worlds of my own making.

But only for a moment.