The Well

the well so deep, yesterday
not so much today
your love
your friendship
my guide
my strength
to fill the pit beneath me

light is like words
encouraging yet thin
but your hand
it breaks the stone
it clears the path

these wells that form
deep under foot
bored out by our own hands
when standing still too long
when night destroys the day
where life soon cools
and slowly turns to stone

alone in the well
it fills with atrophy and shame
but
the slightest push
the faintest shove
the stone it cannot form
we fill it in again
and hope momentum
carves a path instead

to my love
your are
the wind

No Ice Cream

Alone in a room
Sitting
Sitting
Sitting
Slow Down, the melancholy of Radiohead
Wholefoods, Mac-n-cheese offending my wallet
Joyous, my tongue tastes organic cheeses melted
Eyes dead set in a window
Rain
Falling
Falling
Falling
Cold in a well heated room
Bustling city, this inclement day has your attentions
Holiday of me
A self imposed joy of the lonely
Ink on the cards still wet with passing thoughts
Mailbox
Empty
Empty
Empty
Check it again
If you call debts on paper bills
I call them words of remembrance
I am not forgotten
Do you remember her name
I do now
She lived in a house in a abandoned field where children played
Long ago
She was sitting in a room alone too
Ice Cream for young visitors
They are all grown
Fields long since paved
Cars driving by none the wiser
Rumble
Rumble
Rumble
Quiet comes late at night
I’m still sitting
Ice Cream
I have none

My View, Pride, Sushi & Stuff

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Well here I sit. I was literally sitting on the curb for a bit while writing today. Now I’m sitting on the stoop in front of my flat. The sun is shining and there is a nice breeze making today and especially wonderful day here in San Francisco. This city is growing on me for sure. I miss a lot about San Diego but it is just different. One thing I have noticed here is that no one sits on their front porch or stoop much around this part of town. Not like in some parts. The people seem nice enough here it just is not very neighborly. I never seen ANYONE out on this street except the French kids a couple houses down. Just seems odd to me.

San Francisco is definitely the gayest city in the world. My kind of town ;-). Last week was Pride. My first Pride here. All I can say is OMG I have seen just about everything now. So I am wondering why is it only the fat ugly and very white gay men are the ones that have to roller skate down Market Street wearing nothing more than a cock ring? Why can’t the good looking gay men do it at least. I mean the one guy was so lacking the guy in the clown suit yells out “OMG Small guy… ” as Mr. Cock Ring rolls by. I about tipped over the concrete when he blurted that out. So many heads turned and “Small Guy” quickly rolls off into the crowd.

Eeewww. On so many levels. But I digress. I’m good at digressing.

Back on the ground again. Need some shade for my sunburned shoulders.  “This is the Thing” by Fink is playing on my lappy right now.

We have a great cut off view of the city with the Castro in the foreground. If you look closely you can see Dolores Park in the distance. Dyke March 2010 started there last weekend. Wow. All I can say to that is Wow. Spending the entire day in the park with my people was so awesome. And I only had 2 beers.

I seriously need to make some real frineds. Peeps I can just hang out with. It would go a long way to improving my enjoyment of this city. I have met a couple people including Autumn who has a great San Francisco blog at “A Mindful Individual“. Had an awesome sushi dinner with her and her frineds a few weeks ago. Hopefully we can do something again soon.

Oh and I signed up to play in the Woman’s Football League here.  That is Soccer for all you who are a bit slow.

There is so much to do here it’s crazy. A little country girl in a big city. I have so much more to figure out here and in my life. But I am pretty satisfied with the view.

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View from our deck.
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Sitting on the curb, writing.

Instant Message

I am a grown woman and capable of enjoying many different things in life. I proudly admit to being a Platinum Card carrying lesbian (read: never been with a man, TMI I know). I am also also more than capable of flirting with just about anyone. I love to mess with men’s heads.  All my flirtees know I am not in to men. But flirting and talking serious shit is fun and healthy. Especially with certain people. I have this great guy friend, Art. We have known each other for a while now, though we have never met in person. Art makes me laugh and is really a sweet guy. But OMG can he lay it on. I know it is not what he wants to hear but he is like having a big brother in a way. We do flirt and talk smack and it is fun for both of us. I like Art. Every woman needs a friend like Art. Especially if you are Bi or Straight. But we won’t get into that. Let’s just say I know things. LOL

Anyway. I need to set the rest of this story up. I posted a status on one of my profiles that Art sees. I think it was something about starting my first book, having some ideas, but not sure where to start. Rarely will I share something like this. But I just had too. Now I know everyone is going to get that WTF? look in their eyes after reading it. Believe me I am not going straight and I am not slipping in to the bisexual slipstream either. So without further delay in its completely unedited format:

Instant Message… art signs on…

art: It was a dark and stormy night…..
Nikki Dreams: … and the two lovers curled by the stone hearth. distant lightning illuminating their eyes in the dark
art: she slid his hand onto her heaving breasts….. her breath quickened…..
Nikki Dreams: … he rose above her and held is body just above hers running is lips gently along her torso from her neck down towards her naval
art: using his tongue he flicked it in between gently kissing her naval  her hands pushing him further
Nikki Dreams: … her pelvis gently  rising to meet his anxious tongue. He pulls back momentarily. teasing her with the warmth of his breath
art: licking and sucking on her engorged clit he sucks it softly and then hard biting it ever so slightly ….. she lets out a moan!
Nikki Dreams: uuuuooooohhhhh…. her hand rise to her breasts. twisting and rubbing her nipples with each wave of pleasure
art: aggressively he plants in tonge inside her, she screams for god!
art: he works his tongue on her like a jack hammer….
Nikki Dreams: Her mind is lost in ecstasy. Her legs and arms trembling. She trows her head deep into the pillows on the floor…
art: While licking her even harder he feels her love juice begin to spill from her,  using a thick but manicured finger he pumps into her …… she begins to grind her hips …..
Nikki Dreams: beads of perspiration begin to pool in the curves of her neck and stomach. Her moans lost in the occasional thunder and pouring rain
art: he catches her image as the lightning illuminates the room….. her breasts so firm and ripe nipples stiff and aching to be attended too.  She too sees that he is very aroused!
Nikki Dreams: … And I am totally posting this on m blog today!!!
art: go for it sweetie….. let me know what your readers think
Nikki Dreams: It will be interesting!!

Sanctuary

She sits in her bed.

It is nearly 5:00 in the afternoon.

Her bedroom, her sanctuary. She is me.

My own best friend and worst enemy.

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Do I even notice myself here? My bed is filled with blankets pillows and creature comforts. Kettle popcorn, computer pencils and drawing pad adorn my comfort zone. A scented candle burns on one of two night stands surrounding me. The rails of the canopy bed are hung with multicolored scarves and pastel sheers to soften my space. The white on white room is only mildly tidy. The colors of dark and unpainted furniture are all that break the white on white expanse of walls. A disorganized room for a disorganized woman.

I am in my head again. Deep within my head. I have been traveling there a lot more these past few weeks. My only distractions being reading my book “Curse the Dawn” by Karen Chance, drawing, playing my guitars, I have several, and my purgatory online, social networking. I go to work and the gym of course. Yeah I joined a gym a couple weeks ago. I am glad I did. It feels really good to sweat and lift weights. I have been so horribly out of shape. I am going to get my supermodel body if it kills me. I know I will never be a supermodel. A fetish or pinup model would be really cool. Oh yeah. That has been a secret in my heart for some time. I always wanted to be a supermodel from about the first day I saw Cristy Brinkley. I had a poster of her in my locker in Jr High. I wanted to be her. I still think she is one of the most beautiful women in history.

Still in my sanctuary. I am listening to chill music videos like Fink and Breaks Co-op. I keep trying to draw something through the haze of confused and trouble thoughts. I admit I don;t have a perfect life. I don’t have a fucked up life either. I have built something from nearly nothing… again. the hardest part about that is that I have NO friends here. Not real hang out any ole time hay stop by kind of friends anyway. I think I only ever had one of those my entire life. I like my job but I do not make friends with people at work. It’s just too complicated. It has nothing to do with being a lesbian either. I am out REALLY out in that regard.

I did manage to make what may turn out to be a really true and lasting friend up in Sonoma county. Dr. D. I call her. She has a heart of gold and deserves so much better than me. We have enjoyed each other company very much lately. I care about Dr. D so I won’t taint her life with my details here. Let’s just hope I don’t fuck up that relationship anymore than I may have already done. Side not: it’s almost comical that we talk on the phone frequently but neither of us can hear what the other is saying half the time. My friend in the stix. 😉 

Half a bag of popcorn down the chute and I can tell the sun is setting. Not because the clock says 5:23 but I can sense it. I have one window facing another window in an alley of sorts. A void between two Victorian houses really. Not much light here but I still feel it. I think I am going to keep writing. I am not getting very far with the drawing thing today. Maybe I will do that tomorrow. Maybe not. I have several things I really need to do or plan. I keep putting then off too.

Is this what it was life when I was a teen the first time around? I’m here again. Young of mind and filled with angst, emotion and unsure of many things. I guess this may just be the price of coming out so late in life. I’m working on a plan. Not sure what really. I told Dr. D I don’t make plans anymore. She commented “Why, because you just breaking them again?” Ouch. Funny but not. She was dead on.

I’m still here in my sanctuary. A unsure, maybe fading place of peace and comfort.

Or

Am I just hiding from life and running from something?

Vulnerability

Vulnerability : The careful art of allowing someone in. Intimacy based in trust.

It’s one of the greatest gifts you can give another. Allowing them in hoping they do not run off with the spoils. Most are just afraid of what we keep locked away. Or is it we ourselves that are afraid of what we protect behind these walls?

A subject of intense joy and sorrow depending on how that trust is used.

Cali: Fairytales and Make Believe

I am wondering. Did Cinderella actually dance in those glass slippers? Or is the glass slipper really a metaphor for the endless possibilities in life if you just believe it in your heart? I have been living this fairytale of sorts for the past 2 years now. But the fairytale is real. I never thought the glass slipper would fit but it does and I am dancing my life into each new day.

As many of my friends know by now. I am moving back to the land of make believe. California. Where we have a govenator instead of a governor. Where we pretend the state’s financial crisis will one day be resolved. Where Boys will be boys and girls. Where  H8 is legalized thought out of state religious contributions. Where us white folks are not the majority. And where the potential for fire and earthquakes so powerful is so great Arizona will one day be waterfront property. Yes my beloved, fake as a silicone boob, tree-hugging wannabe state where the cost of a living is so high fairytales turn tricks too make a living. God I love California. I lived there for the last 10 years after having moved out there sight unseen. I said I would never leave. But I did.

I left California for several personal reasons. And I traveled all of 5 hours east to stay with some wonderful friends, Michael and Lillian, who welcomed me into their home while I took care of business. Well that much needed time of reflection and metamorphosis has come to an end. I did what I had come here to do. Though I though I might stay longer, the freaks and geeks of my land of plenty beckon. Neptune has managed to hurl his overcompensating dinner fork against the brutal Santa Anna winds and struck me in the heart yet again. I am a Pisces and therefore unable to hide form my master’s reach.

I must be near the ocean. I will sacrifice unimaginable amounts of income and broken heels too walk along the Pacific shores at will. I will brave the innumerable great restaurants and state parks to satisfy my soul. But I will not do it without loss. I will leave behind a wonderful group of friends as I did when I left San Diego in September last year. Trish who I have gotten to know so well over mass texting and one night of sushi. Angel who I met online and then several times for dinner and nights out at local lesbian clubs. Both women I will miss. Both are beautiful souls who I hope will stay friends for ever.  And all my other friends here who I should have driven to visit but never seemed to find the time. I hate that about myself. But will always be your friend. Alyssa I never got to jam with you. And Joseph I hope I can one day visit you in Sedona. A beautiful place of enormous, natural healing energy.

I am very grateful for all the love and support I have received here in my temporary home in Arizona. I have a special thanks for Addy Jensen. If you had not invited me to the 4th of July party last year none of this might have ever happened. Whether you realize it or not you opened a huge door in y life that when I walked through set in motion so many things I am to thankful for.

In one week I pack some of what I own and will travel nearly 12 hours north to Sacramento to stay with my sexy wonderful friend Rebecca in Sacramento while I look for a job in San Francisco and the surrounding area. I look forward to spending more time with my Becca. 😉 I look forward to exploring more of NorCal. I will be closer to to some good friends. And I will certainly make more as I settle in my new life in Northern California. I will make it work. And I will be more fabulouser. I love California despite ll the craziness. Maybe that is why I love it. There is an energy there that owns my heart and soul like no other place I have ever been. It feels like home.

So onward Cinderella. Follow your heart and follow your dreams back to the land of make believe and all the crazy wonderful things the come with being a California Girl.

Totally!