My Dream in PHP

$proud[] = ($l,$g,$b,$t,$q,$i);
$beautiful = $this->world->gather(
    (array)$straight,
    (array)$openMinded,
    (array)$allies
);
$humanity = array_merge( $beautiful, $proud );
foreach ($humanity as $you){
    echo $you . " Are Beautiful, Loved and Appreciated.";
}
echo "Being different is not a crime. It is an Honor";

The Battle Rages On.

For those of you who know me, I have been through some wicked radical changes in the past couple of years. The specifics of change are only marginally important most of the time. Sometimes not. I am a woman of change. I have seen and done things most people cannot imagine. But I am still just me. A bright and often animated person still searching for her spot on the field.

I consider myself an extremely lucky person. Especially considering I am an open and out lesbian in a world that seems so hell bent on not allowing people to live an d be happy. I have a great family who has been there every step of the way since my formal self outing. I have some good frineds and many acquaintances. I have a great job with a really good company. I and I live in a nice little quiet nook in San Francisco.

What more could I want?

A lot more actually. I may be a forty-something goddess in control of her life. But I am also still a teenager at heart more often than I admit. I am fickle and want every freaking thing now. Change happens and I want it over and done with. I sen my eye or my heart on something and I want it started or done yesterday. I know this is not how life works. I cannot keep up the light speed change of pace I often expect in my life.

And this is where the battle begins.

Me fighting myself. Nichole vs. Nikki. It’s tantamount to insanity. The seemingly endless skirmishes with my own sense of self and desire class often sending me off on wildly divergent paths. The unfortunate victim in this constant flux is me. The wounds are often intense depression and even overwhelming anxiety.

Over the past month I have been stuck in a perpetual black hole of depression and questioning everything in my life. I can usually pull myself out of this funk within a few days or even a week tops. Not this time. It was so profound I upped my therapy sessions. Slept way too much and stayed up way too late thinking.

Thinking is my enemy. I have written several poems about my struggle. “My Enemy” being the most recent. I often write as a result of these “moments” of struggle. If I don’t write for more than a week it is not a good sign. It means I am losing the battle. Of all things I have struggled with in my life, depression has been the cruelest of foes. And the one battle where I have never really come out the victor.Though I keep trying.

Giving up is giving in. I have vowed too never give up. I have come to far and accomplished to much to just hand in the keys to my life and let something or someone else drive. Last week just before the Pride festivities I suddenly and inexplicably found myself emerging from the month long battle over depression. This time I really can’t put my finger on how I did it. I am just glad that I did. So here I am back to writing. Back to living. And back to enjoying the feeling of sunshine on my face.

Sanctuary

She sits in her bed.

It is nearly 5:00 in the afternoon.

Her bedroom, her sanctuary. She is me.

My own best friend and worst enemy.

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Do I even notice myself here? My bed is filled with blankets pillows and creature comforts. Kettle popcorn, computer pencils and drawing pad adorn my comfort zone. A scented candle burns on one of two night stands surrounding me. The rails of the canopy bed are hung with multicolored scarves and pastel sheers to soften my space. The white on white room is only mildly tidy. The colors of dark and unpainted furniture are all that break the white on white expanse of walls. A disorganized room for a disorganized woman.

I am in my head again. Deep within my head. I have been traveling there a lot more these past few weeks. My only distractions being reading my book “Curse the Dawn” by Karen Chance, drawing, playing my guitars, I have several, and my purgatory online, social networking. I go to work and the gym of course. Yeah I joined a gym a couple weeks ago. I am glad I did. It feels really good to sweat and lift weights. I have been so horribly out of shape. I am going to get my supermodel body if it kills me. I know I will never be a supermodel. A fetish or pinup model would be really cool. Oh yeah. That has been a secret in my heart for some time. I always wanted to be a supermodel from about the first day I saw Cristy Brinkley. I had a poster of her in my locker in Jr High. I wanted to be her. I still think she is one of the most beautiful women in history.

Still in my sanctuary. I am listening to chill music videos like Fink and Breaks Co-op. I keep trying to draw something through the haze of confused and trouble thoughts. I admit I don;t have a perfect life. I don’t have a fucked up life either. I have built something from nearly nothing… again. the hardest part about that is that I have NO friends here. Not real hang out any ole time hay stop by kind of friends anyway. I think I only ever had one of those my entire life. I like my job but I do not make friends with people at work. It’s just too complicated. It has nothing to do with being a lesbian either. I am out REALLY out in that regard.

I did manage to make what may turn out to be a really true and lasting friend up in Sonoma county. Dr. D. I call her. She has a heart of gold and deserves so much better than me. We have enjoyed each other company very much lately. I care about Dr. D so I won’t taint her life with my details here. Let’s just hope I don’t fuck up that relationship anymore than I may have already done. Side not: it’s almost comical that we talk on the phone frequently but neither of us can hear what the other is saying half the time. My friend in the stix. ūüėȬ†

Half a bag of popcorn down the chute and I can tell the sun is setting. Not because the clock says 5:23 but I can sense it. I have one window facing another window in an alley of sorts. A void between two Victorian houses really. Not much light here but I still feel it. I think I am going to keep writing. I am not getting very far with the drawing thing today. Maybe I will do that tomorrow. Maybe not. I have several things I really need to do or plan. I keep putting then off too.

Is this what it was life when I was a teen the first time around? I’m here again. Young of mind and filled with angst, emotion and unsure of many things. I guess this may just be the price of coming out so late in life. I’m working on a plan. Not sure what really. I told Dr. D I don’t make plans anymore. She commented “Why, because you just breaking them again?” Ouch. Funny but not. She was dead on.

I’m still here in my sanctuary. A unsure, maybe fading place of peace and comfort.

Or

Am I just hiding from life and running from something?

Cali: Fairytales and Make Believe

I am wondering. Did Cinderella actually dance in those glass slippers? Or is the glass slipper really a metaphor for the endless possibilities in life if you just believe it in your heart? I have been living this fairytale of sorts for the past 2 years now. But the fairytale is real. I never thought the glass slipper would fit but it does and I am dancing my life into each new day.

As many of my friends know by now. I am moving back to the land of make believe. California. Where we have a govenator instead of a¬†governor. Where we pretend the state’s¬†financial¬†crisis will one day be resolved. Where Boys will be boys and girls. Where ¬†H8 is legalized thought out of state religious contributions. Where us white folks are not the majority. And where the potential for fire and earthquakes so powerful is so great¬†Arizona¬†will one day be waterfront property.¬†Yes my beloved, fake as a silicone boob, tree-hugging wannabe state where the cost of a living is so high fairytales turn tricks too make a living. God I love California. I lived there for the last 10 years after having moved out there sight unseen. I said I would never leave. But I did.

I left California for several personal reasons. And I traveled all of 5 hours east to stay with some wonderful¬†friends, Michael and Lillian, who¬†welcomed¬†me into their home while I took care of business. Well that much needed time of¬†reflection¬†and metamorphosis has come to an end. I did what I had come here to do. Though I though I might stay longer, the freaks and geeks of my land of plenty beckon. Neptune has managed to hurl his overcompensating dinner fork against the brutal Santa Anna winds and struck me in the heart yet again. I am a¬†Pisces¬†and therefore unable to hide form my master’s reach.

I must be near the ocean. I will sacrifice unimaginable amounts of income and broken heels too walk along the Pacific shores at will. I will brave the innumerable great restaurants and state parks to satisfy my soul. But I will not do it without loss. I will leave behind a wonderful group of friends as I did when I left San Diego in September last year. Trish who I have gotten to know so well over mass texting and one night of sushi. Angel who I met online and then several times for dinner and nights out at local lesbian clubs. Both women I will miss. Both are beautiful souls who I hope will stay friends for ever.  And all my other friends here who I should have driven to visit but never seemed to find the time. I hate that about myself. But will always be your friend. Alyssa I never got to jam with you. And Joseph I hope I can one day visit you in Sedona. A beautiful place of enormous, natural healing energy.

I am very grateful for all the love and support I have received here in my temporary home in Arizona. I have a special thanks for Addy Jensen. If you had not invited me to the 4th of July party last year none of this might have ever happened. Whether you realize it or not you opened a huge door in y life that when I walked through set in motion so many things I am to thankful for.

In one week I pack some of what I own and will travel nearly 12 hours north to Sacramento to stay with my sexy wonderful¬†friend¬†Rebecca in Sacramento while I look for a job in San Francisco and the surrounding area. I look forward to spending more time with my Becca. ūüėČ I look forward to exploring more of NorCal. I will be closer to to some good¬†friends. And I will certainly make more as I settle in my new life in Northern California. I will make it work. And I will be more¬†fabulouser. I love California¬†despite¬†ll the craziness. Maybe that is why I love it. There is an¬†energy¬†there that owns my heart and soul like no other place I have ever been. It feels like home.

So onward Cinderella. Follow your heart and follow your dreams back to the land of make believe and all the crazy wonderful things the come with being a California Girl.

Totally!

To Be. Or Not to Be… In Love

“When we feel love and kindness toward others, it not only makes others feel loved and cared for, but it helps us also to develop inner happiness and peace.” – H.H. The Dalai Lama

“Keep love in your heart. A life without it is like a sunless garden when the flowers are dead. The consciousness of loving and being loved brings a warmth and richness to life that nothing else can bring.” – Oscar Wilde

Love is a condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.” – Robert Heinlein

What is it I miss most about being in love?
What is it I miss about loving another and having that love returned?
What is it that is missing from my life?

I consider myself a very fortunate woman. I have at various points in my life had everything I would ever need in this lifetime. I have had money, privilege, family, friends, happiness, health and so much more. Complaining about my life would be a lie for the most part. I have had a pretty good life despite a few tests of my soul and my character and my strength of will to live.

I have been talking with a friend lately. Someone I like. Someone with whom I have found similar thoughts and feelings as I. The intimate conversations mostly only women can have. Generally because women feel and experience life in a way that is deeper and more colorful of emotion. Tis a generalization that largely but not always holds true throughout the human condition.

We have been discussing the things we as single women miss about being in a relationship with someone we really care about. The simple things are never lost over time. They dance around us like moon fairies on the water at night. Seen, adored and always out of reach. The soft kisses early in the morning as you wake. The supportive embrace upon returning home from a bad day at work. Holding hands on the beach as the sun sets over the ocean. Reaching across the table at a cafe gently placing a hand on a cheek to feel the warmth of love radiating into your hand. Lasting gazes across the room at a party where the conversations turn to a melody of sounds without words. Spooning, cuddling and just being together.

I have had all these things in my life at one point. Now that they are gone I realize how important and wonderful they are. I am confident I will have them again. I am a woman of deep emotion, intense passion and devoted love. But all this means nothing with no one to share it with.

Some of us by nature are better when committed. We are complete and fulfilled by the presence of another in our lives. Loneliness is not a pleasant situation. It affords us too much time too think about what it is we are missing. I am also a Pisces which compounds the ache of an empty spot in my heart.

Not only do I miss the gift of love and a partner’s caring touch. I miss giving of myself. Feeling complete is not all about filling your vessel. It is as much about filling the vessel of another with your heart and soul. This world would benefit from more giving like this. I know because I have been there. The feeling of confidence, power and love that comes with giving unconditionally of yourself to another and not only seeing the light brighten in your partner but feeling the warmth of their inner light radiating back into your soul.

The secret to happiness is knowing what to feed your heart and how to nurture its growth. There are no things of man that can provide this most basic of needs. It is love. The only true fuel to ignite the fires within yourself and others is love. Without it loneliness serves only to cool and smother the fire within.

Talking about this with my friend has really opened many windows into my past. Not so much the woman I was once in love with but what we had for a time. When that dies something dies inside of us. But the memory of it does not fade like other memories do. I think this is because when something touches the deepest part of your being as love can do, it engraves a permanent mark on your being, your sense of self. Take it away and part of you is gone. The parts that remain are what your partner gave you that cannot be returned. Of all those things the feeling of life in a state of utter completeness and the memory of love.

In a way I am not a whole person. My other half is out there. When we do come together, magic will restore the imbalance in my heart. I used to believe in soul mates. Maybe I still do. I do still believe in love. I do believe there is more than one person in this world with a matching love of life and compatible soul where giving our selves too each other will ignite a blaze lying dormant within.

It seems we are rolling into a season where giving should hold more meaning and purpose. In these very difficult times we are now enduring, love is more important than ever. For some it is all they have left. For some it is all they would need to get them through another day. For some it is the breath of life.

I may find someone to share my life with again soon. I may not. The same is true for everyone. But one thing I do have is the ability love many people on many different levels. And I give it freely. That does not fulfill the same giving as giving to a partner. But it still feels good.

I wish you all love and happiness.