The Journal

I wrote in my journal today. It was the first time in over a year since I had written anything. Coming out of depression is scary and amazing. Change is scary and amazing. Living is scary and amazing.

As I sat outside around the corner from my apartment writing outside the coffee shop,  the sun warmed my skin in the cool air. It has been so long since I last wrote. I had so much to put down.  Over 7 pages of the highs and lows of an entire year plus growing plans for this year flowed out. I doodle and ponder while listening to music as I write.  It is therapy. One thing I have learned in my life is that you cannot hold everything inside. It will eat you alive. I have so much to do in a short time. Keeping anxiety at bay is a challenge but I am managing. Moving is stressful enough. Not having a job or a place to live is like walking a fine line next to a minefield. But I am going to make it. I am a very determined woman. I can do anything and mostly in my life, I have. When I set my mind to something it get’s done.

Next for me is jumpstarting my new old career in the arts and music. I wrote in my journal.

“I started off my adult life as an artist. A true tortured soul of an artist. I gave it up for 20 years to do what?”

What?… to learn I should have never given it up to make a lot of money. In the end I did make a lot of money, but it is all gone and it did not make me happy in the long run. It is time to change that. It is time to live for me for a change. I am going to do the things that make me happy. For that provides riches far greater than money. Dreams do come true for me. I make them happen. Maybe not all of them but I don’t give up easy on anything, even my endless pursuit of living a good life,  self love and just being happy.  I will succeed. I always do.

Well what the heck do I do now? and Random thoughts

So. In the past year and a half I have:

  • Hit rock bottom depressed
  • Moved of our boat after 2 year of living aboard
  • Got meds
  • Put the boat up for sale
  • Started therapy for GID
  • Come to terms with who I am.
  • No longer as depressed
  • Cut my drinking WAY, WAY back
  • Started taking care of myself more
  • Started living more true to myself but not completely so
  • Met some great people
  • Started going out for fun
  • Made some real friends
  • Bought 2 very expensive guitars and a home recording studio
  • No longer depressed
  • Got a good Job at a start up with a Psycho CEO at the helm
  • Seriously improved my wardrobe  by getting rid of most of my guy cloths
  • Alienated my wife and soul mate
  • Got somewhat depressed again
  • Tried to mend things with my wife by not being so Nichole
  • Realized I can’t even pretend to do the previous bullet anymore
  • Went on a nice vacation with my Wife or is it Girlfriend now?
  • LOst
  • Split up my marriage – mutually agreed actually
  • Got really depressed and empty
  • Got a bit overwhelmed
  • Decided transition is where I am headed
  • Got less depressed
  • Realized there is still much to be done
  • Have not told anyone in my family or old friends
  • Occasionally do realize it is not all bad and gloomy, REALLY I DO!
  • …..

Damn I know I forgot something. I know there are some good things in there somewhere. So what the heck do I do now? I will have a great big condo to myself now, a wife that still loves me as a friend but can’t be around me. An uncertain future. Job: OMG do I ever tell them at some point I would have too is I start HRT this year.

  • I have not balanced a checkbook or done taxes in 15 years. I have never been alone for more than a few days.
  • I need to exercise a lot more. I need to lose 40 lbs.
  • I need those shoes to be manufactured in size 12 damn-it!!! is that so fucking hard to do?
  • I am going to get my beard removed next month… and then more
  • I need to start a financial plan, seriously
  • I need to get my own insurance.
  • What is that rattling. OMG I need to take my car in for repair$$$$
  • I need to find a smaller place at half the price.
  • I need to finally get rid of the crap in the garage we have been carrying around for years.
  • Is that the beach I see.. OMG I live in San Diego. I need to get out more.
  • Hiking, Biking (Do I remember how), kayaking
  • I must help other people. I am not that bad off.
  • Hillary or Obama… damn-it why no “No Confidence” chads?
  • Must go see grandma… she is 95 and not getting any younger
  • Must see my Nephew before I turn into Auntie Nichole
  • Gotta pee goes  somewhere in here
  • I MUST start recording my music
  • I MUST BE HAPPY and stay HAPPY
  • Ah yes… need to vacuum more often
  • Want my cake and eat it too!!!
  • People are just fucked in the head…. except me and a few others
  • 7.5+/- billion years from now none of this will matter  anymore because the Earth will cease to exist and I will have probably already died.. maybe… or at least moved to the next closest solar system
  • How much is that Prada Bag?

Extreme intensity of the Mind

I want to share a dream I had this morning before sunrise. I must warn you first, if you are queasy, or disturbed by graphic content please don’t read any further. This was one of the most disturbing dreams I recall ever having in my life. I can still visualize it in graphic detail, like it just happened. Please trust me when I say I have held nothing back and that this blog may be quite disturbing to many.

Step back 2 days and you will find my wife and myself embarking on a private voyage upon our little yacht S/V Soul Mates. She is a lovely traditional sailing vessel designed for cruising around the world in comfort and safety. I always feel at home on her and I always feel like I am home on the water. No matter how far off shore or how miserable the weather. I hold a USCG 50 Ton Master Mariners license and I have been on the water since I was old enough to walk. I am Pisces. Go figure.

Saturday we anchor out and have a lovely dinner together, at peace in out surroundings.

Sunday was a beautiful although cold day sailing in the Pacific. We looked for whales but saw none. Only  a few dolphins in the distance and a vast ocean are our only company. We returned to anchor and enjoyed the comfort of each other and light music.

Monday morning around 4 am. My day changed.

In the world of dreams I bound in and out of different stories none of which I remember now. Save one. In my peaceful sleep I find my self suddenly thrust into this dream of cold gray and stone. Like an old middle age castle and courtyard. From here everything happens so fast I just cant understand what was going on. I turn to see a dirty and bloodied priest like person in red robes. Only I notice immediately it is not his blood smeared upon his face. I don’t know if he sees me or not but it almost seems as if I am compelled or forced to follow him just yards from where I entered the dream.I hear screams and begin to realize the chaos surrounding me. I see more of these “priests” running around purposefully and methodically. I see other people not like them being driven to the ground. I feel myself being drawn to an area near a raised stone garden at the entrance of some building. My sight is spinning from one side to the other like a camera on a pivot.

It is late sunset and it is cold and gray. Screaming is everywhere. People and priests. But the screams are not the same. The people are screaming in terror and pain. As I again focus I feel I am being driven to the ground. But I have time to scan the area again. I see men and women being driven to the ground, bound to trees building supports and attacked. I notice the blood, I can actually smell the stale, moist, metallic  odor of free flowing blood. I am driven further down. In the corner of my eye I see a man or rather a transgendered person being slaughtered with a large knife as he is tied to a cross. Screaming all the while he is being killed. He is trying to plead for his life, he is saying he has every right to be alive and why, why?… until he is dead. The blood is everywhere like a Quentin Tarantino movie.  It was awful. Literally pools of blood everywhere.

The highly enraged assailant thrusts himself in my direction as I am driven down. I see two other people below me. One a man in female clothing being held by other “Priests” and the other a woman, no a hermaphrodite woman. she is beautiful and clad in a thin linen like garment. She has the blood of many others splattering upon her. She is strapped like Jesus to a cross. Her clothing is ripped from her breast. She is exposed and suddenly a crazed man with a large knife comes at her. He jumps to her breast and begins to slice into the flesh slowly from the top down like he is cutting a ham or something. I am filled with fear and anger. I feel bound and unable to help anyone. At this point I realize all the people around are gay, trans, herm or of some similar category. All the time I am thinking these are my people why are you doing this.

I feel nothing but purer evil and hatred from these “Priests”. There eyes are wild like crazed animals. They are intent on slaughtering everyone. I hear people screaming as they try to reason and plea with our attackers. But we are all overpowered. My sight returns to the woman and the man below me. I am on my knees now bent over the woman forced to watch before my turn arises. It is of the cruelest of intents these murderers act. The woman is in so much pain as the man carves her breast from her chest only to leave them minimally intact and hanging.

I am totally freaked by the blood and graphic intensity of this dream and I now know I am dreaming. But I do not wake yet, though I try. As I begin to blur into consciousness  I see the attackers grab the woman’s dress peal it away from her and slice her penis and gouge out her vagina. I am at the same time waking and disgusted that I am even having this dream. Just before I wake I turn my head as I am forced down over the woman’s bloodied and writhing body still screaming … I see the man beside her attacked with the same intensity and the same blade as he is also dismembered. I can just now see it is happening to everyone and I am certainly next.

I awaken  in a very cold night. It is dark and quiet with only the sound of the shrimp popping on the hull of my boat. My wife is sleeping peacefully beside me none the wiser. I lay still in the darkness trying to clear my mind of these horrific images and thoughts. But as you can see it is still VERY clear in my mind now. I hope it goes away and never comes back.

Why did my subconscious do this to me? And Why so graphic and violent?
I pray I never have dream like that again. It is way to disturbing for even me to want to remember.

Peace, oh peace great ocean I seek your comfort tonight.
Nichole

Puppy Dog Tails and Everything nice… wha?

What are little boys made of?

What are little boys made of?
Snips and snails,
And puppy dog tails,
That’s what little boys are made of.

What are little girls made of?

What are little girls made of?
Sugar and spice,
And everything nice,
That’s what little girls are made of.

I have no idea what made me think of this just now. I was minding my own business, drinking a Fat Tire and eating a fish Taco. ( And yes like a proper lady I drank from a glass). I just finished reading a beautiful poem written by a lovely lady. Then….

BAM!

Emril tosses in the essence. So what the heck are we transgendered folks made of. I know a few things, like drama and Zanax and Closets full of shoes. But really. What am I. OMG I just digressed way further than I need to right now….

Sorry, gotta run toss the cloths in the dryer before I go suddenly mental.

Sugar and spice, Sugar and spice, Sugar and spice, Sugar and spice, Sugar and spice….

Too Late…. ** sigh **

Oh those wacky cousins over the pond!

I have a new good friend whom I have never met.

She says strange words I sometimes don’t get.

Mad is crazy and Rubbish is crap.

Cricky old sailboats and things like that.

She is filled with warmth, beauty and kind.

She fills me with happiness and eases my mind.

If ever I meet this new friend I can bet,

I have come home on an Island,

to an ancestral friend I just met.

————————————————-

My favorite sayings from across the pond:

Rubbish

Bloody Hell!

Cheeky Monkey

Let’s go to the Pub for Pint (Of Guinness of Course )

Tea ad Crumpets (WTH is a crumpet ? )

Cheerio (No not the Cereal)

And lastly my ALL time fave of faves….

Bob’s your Uncle… LOL (I don’t know any bob’s)

May the beauty in the world ever lighten your day.

Nichole