60 Seconds in My Head: Hyperpensia OCD

Hyperpensia OCD; A harmless yet highly annoying and mentally exhausting condition characterized  by too much thinking, usually uncontrolled though with extreme fast, repetitive, overlapping micro thoughts, memories and internalized vocalization. Often accompanied by a subconscious tic or hyper awareness of tactile sensations like itching, teeth grinding or tapping, bouncing or shaking of leg or foot.

The following is 60 seconds inside my. This is what I have to deal with ever day of my life, even sleeping sometimes. This is not meant as a joke or satyrical post. It is real. I even came up with the word for this condition.  The only time I get a break from the madness is playing my guitar, drawing or painting or taking a certain herbal remedy. Meditation helps but only with the right music and earphones. Music is the only thing that completely silences my mind. Now for the insanity.

60 Seconds…

(wakes up, getting lighter outside)
(tap tap tap… tap)
I have to stop this OCD. Just say no to OCD.

Just say no to OCD. Just say no to OCD. Just say no to OCD. Just say no to OCDJust say no to OCD Just say no to OCD…
Itch on my toe. Just say no to OCD. Just say no to OCD…
Itch on my head. (Scratching) Just say no to OCD. Just say no to OCD. Just say no to OCD…
STOP… Just say no to OCD. Just say no to OCD… Just say no to OCD
(one line of chorus from an Adam Lambert song playing over and over )
I’m here for your entertainment…
Just say no to OCD…
What was that noise…
Just say no to OCD. Just say no to OCD… NIKK STOP IT!
(teeth tapping like morse code. tap tap tap… tap tap… tap.. tap…)
I’m here for your entertainment…
Just say no to OCD… (teeth tapping)
I’m here for your entertainment…
Just say no to OCD… (teeth tapping)
I’m here for your entertainment… (teeth tapping)
Just say no to OCD…
GOD DAMMIT STOP. (teeth tapping)
(random though)
(roll over in bed) (teeth tapping)
I’m here for your entertainment… I’m here for your entertainment… I’m here for your entertainment… I’m here for your entertainment… (teeth tapping) I’m here for your entertainment… I’m here for your entertainment… (teeth tapping) I’m here for your entertainment… (teeth tapping)
(random though about farming)
(Work thoughts)
(random thought about my garden)
I’m here for your entertainment… I’m here for your entertainment… 
(thirsty)
(please just go back to sleep)
(teeth tapping)(teeth tapping)(teeth tapping)(teeth tapping)
I’m here for your entertainment… 
(random thought wonder what Juv and Stei are up to)
Just say no to OCD…
(FLOOD of overlapping (random thought))(teeth tapping) ((random thought)((random ((random thought ))thought)))
I’m here for your entertainment…
(brain overloads)

I fall back asleep and there is silence

Ash Glaze Wood Fired Urn

Ash Glaze Wood Fired Urn Ash Glaze Wood Fired Urn Ash Glaze Wood Fired Urn

Ash Glaze Wood Fired Urn

 

This is one of my greatest creations.  It is a stoneware body fired to cone 10-11 for about 12 hours under very heavy reduction. It took two separate firings to achieve this look. The glaze is a natural byproduct of the ashe from the pine we burned.  The inside has a translucent glaze filled with ash specs. Myself and Ben Owen III from  Seagrove, NC built a catenary arch wood fired kiln in college together.  That was definitely one of the highlights of my life. We fired the kiln very often, filled with mostly our own pottery. Ben is a famous potter coming from a very long family history of potters. We had studio space beside each other at the East Carolina University School of Art and Design. That was many years ago. I am working towards being able to do this again someday soon.

 

Emptiness

Build my life upon these dreams
Comforts and cozies fill my thoughts
Returning to a place familiar and warm
Memories of achievement and joy
Love, yes love felt and expressed

The lie roles off my tongue like marbles on hill
Expressed yes, but not love
Comforts are facades hiding what lies behind
Dreams are more easily dashed than delivered
My achievement is this empty shell

Medicated my heart beats at a safer pace
Medicated the knife never draws blood
Medicated sleep without dreaming is peace
Medicated darkness is not so cold
Medicated is no life to be wished on anyone

Suicidal thoughts, Can anything be more frightening
How do you take a life without the mess
How do you take a life without hurting everyone you love
You cannot
I will not

Survival is a skill perfected by years of practice
Battles lost and won in my mind
The physical toll evidence in the lines on my face
The blanks stares, the tears and distant presence
The unseen damaged liver and once failed kidneys

Everything hurts some days, everything
The deepest pain is beyond human touch
Why do I keep fighting against this unwelcoming tied
I just do, a promise to myself and my loves
The hardest part of fighting the emptiness…

There is nothing there to take a swing at

The Well

the well so deep, yesterday
not so much today
your love
your friendship
my guide
my strength
to fill the pit beneath me

light is like words
encouraging yet thin
but your hand
it breaks the stone
it clears the path

these wells that form
deep under foot
bored out by our own hands
when standing still too long
when night destroys the day
where life soon cools
and slowly turns to stone

alone in the well
it fills with atrophy and shame
but
the slightest push
the faintest shove
the stone it cannot form
we fill it in again
and hope momentum
carves a path instead

to my love
your are
the wind

Ambient in the Dark

A warm glow fills the room with ambient life.
It dances it’s colorful song in abundance just outside my window.
I peer into the light.
My restless limbs heavy as I turn.
My dreams all but faded into the subconscious.
The light beckons as it burns.
The sound of my heart broken by a passing train.

How did I get here again?

I have known the darkest places in my mind.
Felt life slipping away.
Held death in it’s last breath in my arms.

How is it the finest of threads holds so strong?

Unseen in this darkest of places.
It is not my heart that hurts, but my soul.
Even in her smile, her laughter, her love
… darkness consumes.

Holding on to this little white pill.
Is it for me?
Or is it for society?

Holding on.
It’s what we do until the universe claims it’s ground.
Until the weight of life is so faint, gravity pulls it beneath the waves.

This song is not about the living.
Nor these words a burden to bare.
Some are ghosts among us.

Some are the art and scars we carry deep inside our soul.

Most Beautiful Woman

The most beautiful woman in the world is not the one with a sash or crown.
She is not the one with a perfect body or the nicest cloths.
She is not the most popular or even the most graceful.
She is the woman you love and the one who loves you for who you are.

No Ice Cream

Alone in a room
Sitting
Sitting
Sitting
Slow Down, the melancholy of Radiohead
Wholefoods, Mac-n-cheese offending my wallet
Joyous, my tongue tastes organic cheeses melted
Eyes dead set in a window
Rain
Falling
Falling
Falling
Cold in a well heated room
Bustling city, this inclement day has your attentions
Holiday of me
A self imposed joy of the lonely
Ink on the cards still wet with passing thoughts
Mailbox
Empty
Empty
Empty
Check it again
If you call debts on paper bills
I call them words of remembrance
I am not forgotten
Do you remember her name
I do now
She lived in a house in a abandoned field where children played
Long ago
She was sitting in a room alone too
Ice Cream for young visitors
They are all grown
Fields long since paved
Cars driving by none the wiser
Rumble
Rumble
Rumble
Quiet comes late at night
I’m still sitting
Ice Cream
I have none