My Dream in PHP

$proud[] = ($l,$g,$b,$t,$q,$i);
$beautiful = $this->world->gather(
    (array)$straight,
    (array)$openMinded,
    (array)$allies
);
$humanity = array_merge( $beautiful, $proud );
foreach ($humanity as $you){
    echo $you . " Are Beautiful, Loved and Appreciated.";
}
echo "Being different is not a crime. It is an Honor";

Running in Shadows

Some wounds run too deep.
The sounds of cracking bones or the words of petty fools.
I cannot see the scars.
Time has washed them clear.
I cannot feel the shot.
The bullets have long since been removed.
When all I ever wanted was to run away.
I ran.

Far away.
Deep in the forests of my own thoughts.
Scared.
Alone.
Freedom from the antagonists.
Freedom from myself.
All I ever wanted was to be me.
I ran.

Life was simpler back then.
Hide, stay low, avoid the common path.
Be found.
The reward is pain.
Blend in the shadows.
The consequence is absence of pain.
Shadows are made of fear.
I ran.

Year after year the jungle of pain and shadow.
Starving for something lost in my dreams.
Eating pain to give to the shadows.
Everything is living.
Except for me.
Back to old tricks.
Hiding within.
I ran.

The mirror holds truths for me to see each day.
Shadows in my eyes.
Old habits never die.
Dreams are just dreams.
No closer to being me.
Hiding from the pain.
It lives within me now.
So I do the only thing I know how.
I run.

Advice of the Gods

The heart doth surely bleed and the soul shall weep it’s lonely death.
Life is a tear in the eyes of the universe.
If only one could see.
Let open your mind.
Your heart shall never die.

Sleep

She purrs each gentle breath slowly between the softening touch of madness and the warm night of whispers on her tongue. Cries of ecstasy echo behind the veil of secrets. Her wings set at ease. She sleeps in the peace of comforts arm. 

A Moment of Peace: A Lifetime of Struggle

Wow did I just ever have a weird experience. I was watching Doctor Who on Netflix just now. To make a long story short this particular episode just unlocked some crazy shit in my head. Well I was in tears for the last 10 minutes of the show. It was a broad mix of joy, sadness and a few others I don’t even really understand. I have cried at all kinds of things, even a Super Bowl commercial for god’s sake. But this was different. Something touched me very, very deeply. I think it pretty much took me by surprise because I was also crying at something deep inside myself. My child. My inner child. The creative soul of my life and probably the only thing that has kept me alive on this planet. Music, art, and the sea are three of the most important things in my life. They are my dreams and my reality.

Somehow the way this episode was written, the actor ( Tony Curran ) who played Vincent van Goh, and my love of this particular artist’s work just clicked into place. Keys that unlocked a slue of emotions and tears. It was all very unsettling and yet it wasn’t. I felt very deeply for the Vincent, his life and his struggle. He loved art so much. He saw things in ways nobody had seen them before. He was ridiculed and made fun of during his own lifetime. His art never being worth as much as a trade for a drink in a local tavern. Until long after his death. I felt for him. There was a scene in this episode where the Doctor took Vincent to the 21 century to a gallery displaying the best of his work. The Doctor gave Vincent something he would never know in his own time. Respect and a moment of peace and happiness in his own mind that he was in fact one of the greatest painters in the history of mankind.

And as sad as it is history cannot be changed. Shortly after the Doctor returns Vincent to his own time, he committed suicide.
A moment of peace in a lifetime of struggle. Yeah I can relate to that.

Below is an excerpt from Wikipedia written about this very episode. I have copied it word for word in hopes it might make sense to you and give you a little insight into what I saw. Sorry I cannot help you to understand what I felt. I’m not completely sure of it myself.

—————–

The actor Tony Curran, playing Vincent van Gogh, is compared to a self-portrait of his character, and there is a remarkable similarity!

 

Vincent and the Doctor” is the 10th episode in the fifth series of British science fiction television series Doctor Who.
The Doctor has taken Amy to the Musée d’Orsay in Paris, where they admire the work of the post-impressionist painter Vincent van Gogh. The Doctor discovers a seemingly alien figure in a window of the painting The Church at Auvers, and decides they must travel back in time to speak to Vincent. In 1890, they find Vincent at a cafe in Arles, a lonely man with a bad reputation, but he opens up when he notices Amy, sensing a loss she herself is not aware of. They discover that recent murders, the victims ravaged by some type of beast, have been blamed on Vincent, and the two resolve to help him.

At Vincent’s home that evening, the artist confesses that his works have little value to anyone else, but he believes the universe is filled with wonders that he must paint. Amy is attacked by an invisible beast that Vincent is able to see and sketch for the Doctor, who identifies it as a Krafayis, a vicious pack-predator likely abandoned on Earth. Knowing the beast will appear when Vincent paints the nearby church the next evening, the Doctor and Amy plan to join him, after which they will leave. Vincent becomes distraught at this news and shuts himself in his bedroom, saying that everyone leaves him in the end. The Doctor and Amy set out to capture the beast, but Vincent soon joins them, eager to help. He confides to Amy that if she can “soldier on, then so can Vincent van Gogh”.

Vincent begins painting the church and soon spots the beast inside. The Doctor demands that Amy stay back as he enters the church alone, but she and Vincent both agree they should help the Doctor. Vincent is able to save the Doctor and Amy, describing the beast’s actions as they hide in the confessionals; the Doctor soon realises from Vincent’s description that the beast is blind, the likely reason it was abandoned. The beast is impaled on Vincent’s easel when it tries to lunge at the artist. The Doctor attempts to soothe the dying creature while Vincent empathises with its pain. After the creature dies, the three return outside the church, and Vincent describes the night sky as he envisions it, deep blue, framed by swirling air.

The next day, the Doctor and Amy prepare to leave. Vincent asks Amy to return and marry him should she leave the Doctor. As Vincent turns to leave, the Doctor offers to show him something. The Doctor and Amy take Vincent in the TARDIS to the present and the van Gogh exhibit at the Musée d’Orsay. Vincent is stunned at the display, and becomes emotionally overwhelmed when he overhears Mr. Black, an art curator, say that van Gogh was “the greatest painter of them all” and “one of the greatest men who ever lived”. They return Vincent to the past, and say their final goodbyes. When Vincent renews his proposal to Amy, she tells him she really “isn’t the marrying kind”. As the Doctor and Amy return to the present, Amy hopes that there will be several more paintings by Vincent waiting for them, but instead learn that Vincent still committed suicide at the age of 37 years. The Doctor explains that life is a mixture of bad and good, and while their brief encounter with Vincent couldn’t undo everything wrong, they added some good to his life. The evidence is in Vincent’s displayed works: the face no longer appears in The Church, and now Vase with 12 Sunflowers bears the inscription, “For Amy”.

———————-

 

A Moment of Peace

Changing it all…

I have spent my life changing. Trying to change. Trying to improve myself. Working towards a better me. There was a time in my life I did not care. That is no longer me. I admit I am far from perfect. I procrastinate like a pro. I fall back into self destructive patterns as fast as the wind changes direction. I cuss like a sailor. The list goes on. Basically I am my own worst enemy. My fear to live a life better than I am now is fueled by self doubt. Yeah me. I am not the pinnacle of self-confidence I pretend to be. Funny how several people have noted how confident I am upon meeting the for the first time.

I am an INCREDIBLE actress. When it suits me.

But oh how I fall. I have been working for months now with a therapist and self evaluation to try and get past these last seemingly insurmountable hurdles. The irony being all that I have changed about who I am and my life over the last 3 years. You can change or fix just about anything with surgery these days. You can change your entire wardrobe. You can change careers. You can change your hair color, cut and style. You can change jobs and latitudes. You can change your mood with a little help from a friend. And yes you can even change your sex apparently. We are a world fast becoming a planet of designer humans.

But there are two things you cannot change. Your past and your mind. I hear the sound of squealing breaks of disagreement on that last one. I say that out of experience really. So hear me out. We can change the way we feel about a great many things. Education and enlightenment play a big role there. We can OVERCOME, contain or control a great many things in our heads. Just having an open mind and a willingness to change are pivotal in ones ability to modify your thoughts and feelings.

I am struggling. Struggling to change that last bit of me I hate so much. I am afraid to live and free myself of all those fears that hold me back year after year. Those fears that pull me back in to self destructive patterns. The fear that keeps me from living all the dreams I carry with me to protect me from the darkest places of my mind. I feel like a small child that just wants someone to hold my hand. Just long enough to take me across that bridge of fear.

But there is no hand. And all the confidence I can muster seems short lived. I am afraid of people. I meet people and never see or hear from them again or look them in the eyes and feel I am not liked for some reason. Am I too tall, too ugly, too pretty, too weird? I don’t feel like I fit in anywhere. This I have felt all my life. I still feel this way.

See all that self defeating stuff. It leads to being lonely. It leads to self doubt. It is that thing I have never been able to change about my mind. The part of my mind I cannot change despite my best efforts. And I don’t know why or how.

If only I could get past the fears in my mind that keep me from truly being the person I am in my own dreams.

In the Wake of Tears

I loved her with all my heart, all my soul
I loved her more than I loved myself
I sacrificed myself for her, for us

But when I could no longer live without loving myself too
I choose to live instead of killing myself
I found the way to loving who I am

Our promise to grow old together
Our promise to love each other no matter what
Or promise ended when we could no longer love each other and love ourselves at the same time

She could not love me for who I am; a soul free from my own torment
And I hate her for that
And that kills me inside every day

Because no matter what I say
Because no matter how much I try to hate her after all these years
Deep down I still love her despite what she did

Either way I died
Either way I still live
Either way loving myself is a promise I will keep

No matter how much hurts
No matter how much it burns
No matter how much I just want it all to stop

I know it get’s better
I know some days are better than others
I know I have to live to love again