The Well

the well so deep, yesterday
not so much today
your love
your friendship
my guide
my strength
to fill the pit beneath me

light is like words
encouraging yet thin
but your hand
it breaks the stone
it clears the path

these wells that form
deep under foot
bored out by our own hands
when standing still too long
when night destroys the day
where life soon cools
and slowly turns to stone

alone in the well
it fills with atrophy and shame
but
the slightest push
the faintest shove
the stone it cannot form
we fill it in again
and hope momentum
carves a path instead

to my love
your are
the wind

Most Beautiful Woman

The most beautiful woman in the world is not the one with a sash or crown.
She is not the one with a perfect body or the nicest cloths.
She is not the most popular or even the most graceful.
She is the woman you love and the one who loves you for who you are.

In the Wake of Tears

I loved her with all my heart, all my soul
I loved her more than I loved myself
I sacrificed myself for her, for us

But when I could no longer live without loving myself too
I choose to live instead of killing myself
I found the way to loving who I am

Our promise to grow old together
Our promise to love each other no matter what
Or promise ended when we could no longer love each other and love ourselves at the same time

She could not love me for who I am; a soul free from my own torment
And I hate her for that
And that kills me inside every day

Because no matter what I say
Because no matter how much I try to hate her after all these years
Deep down I still love her despite what she did

Either way I died
Either way I still live
Either way loving myself is a promise I will keep

No matter how much hurts
No matter how much it burns
No matter how much I just want it all to stop

I know it get’s better
I know some days are better than others
I know I have to live to love again

Sanctuary

She sits in her bed.

It is nearly 5:00 in the afternoon.

Her bedroom, her sanctuary. She is me.

My own best friend and worst enemy.

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Do I even notice myself here? My bed is filled with blankets pillows and creature comforts. Kettle popcorn, computer pencils and drawing pad adorn my comfort zone. A scented candle burns on one of two night stands surrounding me. The rails of the canopy bed are hung with multicolored scarves and pastel sheers to soften my space. The white on white room is only mildly tidy. The colors of dark and unpainted furniture are all that break the white on white expanse of walls. A disorganized room for a disorganized woman.

I am in my head again. Deep within my head. I have been traveling there a lot more these past few weeks. My only distractions being reading my book “Curse the Dawn” by Karen Chance, drawing, playing my guitars, I have several, and my purgatory online, social networking. I go to work and the gym of course. Yeah I joined a gym a couple weeks ago. I am glad I did. It feels really good to sweat and lift weights. I have been so horribly out of shape. I am going to get my supermodel body if it kills me. I know I will never be a supermodel. A fetish or pinup model would be really cool. Oh yeah. That has been a secret in my heart for some time. I always wanted to be a supermodel from about the first day I saw Cristy Brinkley. I had a poster of her in my locker in Jr High. I wanted to be her. I still think she is one of the most beautiful women in history.

Still in my sanctuary. I am listening to chill music videos like Fink and Breaks Co-op. I keep trying to draw something through the haze of confused and trouble thoughts. I admit I don;t have a perfect life. I don’t have a fucked up life either. I have built something from nearly nothing… again. the hardest part about that is that I have NO friends here. Not real hang out any ole time hay stop by kind of friends anyway. I think I only ever had one of those my entire life. I like my job but I do not make friends with people at work. It’s just too complicated. It has nothing to do with being a lesbian either. I am out REALLY out in that regard.

I did manage to make what may turn out to be a really true and lasting friend up in Sonoma county. Dr. D. I call her. She has a heart of gold and deserves so much better than me. We have enjoyed each other company very much lately. I care about Dr. D so I won’t taint her life with my details here. Let’s just hope I don’t fuck up that relationship anymore than I may have already done. Side not: it’s almost comical that we talk on the phone frequently but neither of us can hear what the other is saying half the time. My friend in the stix. ūüėȬ†

Half a bag of popcorn down the chute and I can tell the sun is setting. Not because the clock says 5:23 but I can sense it. I have one window facing another window in an alley of sorts. A void between two Victorian houses really. Not much light here but I still feel it. I think I am going to keep writing. I am not getting very far with the drawing thing today. Maybe I will do that tomorrow. Maybe not. I have several things I really need to do or plan. I keep putting then off too.

Is this what it was life when I was a teen the first time around? I’m here again. Young of mind and filled with angst, emotion and unsure of many things. I guess this may just be the price of coming out so late in life. I’m working on a plan. Not sure what really. I told Dr. D I don’t make plans anymore. She commented “Why, because you just breaking them again?” Ouch. Funny but not. She was dead on.

I’m still here in my sanctuary. A unsure, maybe fading place of peace and comfort.

Or

Am I just hiding from life and running from something?

Vulnerability

Vulnerability : The careful art of allowing someone in. Intimacy based in trust.

It’s one of the greatest gifts you can give another. Allowing them in hoping they do not run off with the spoils. Most are just afraid of what we keep locked away. Or is it we ourselves that are afraid of what we protect behind these walls?

A subject of intense joy and sorrow depending on how that trust is used.

Gender Identity in the Gay and Lesbian Community

I am so glad to see a video like this done by a lesbian couple on a mainstream LGBT web site like AfterEllen. I think this is a very important topic even outside of the transgender community. Please watch it and see the comments being posted on the website. My comment is also posted after the video.
Lesbian Love: Gender Identity (Episode 12)
by Trish Bendix
This week, Lacey and Jessica discuss how we as women choose to define ourselves within the LGBT community and to the wider world ‚ÄĒ and whether it is a desirable thing to do.

Lesbian Love ep 112 Gender Identity from lacey stone on Vimeo.

This is really a great video for a several reasons. As a femme lesbian I find it frustrating and a challenge at times that people automatically assume I a straight. I don’t fit the¬†stereotypes. I like to be a tomboy some days. I like to be very feminine on other days. It just depends on my mood and if I have not done laundry in a week. I am an amazon, tall and strong but gentle when I want to be. I like motorcycles and fast cars. I also love to get all dressed up in heels and a slinky dress and be pampered at the spa.

Stereotypes really do more harm than good in the entire LGBT community. Gender identity is especially difficult because our society has done everything possible to enforce a gender binary. The rules are changing but in general you are either a boy or a girl and there can be no middle ground. I think this not only applies to the transgender community and the struggles they face, but it also greatly affects the gay and lesbian community just as harshly.

Gender and gender identity is very fluid. And sexuality has nothing to do with your gender identity. The¬†stereotypical butch lesbian fitting in all the male roles. They hyper-femme gay man fitting in to more female¬†stereotypes. Throw in the transsexual male or female and you quickly see all these gender and sexual stereotypes vaporize. Yes a more femme woman can be a lesbian. And they do “fit” into society more because you cannot look at her and say oh she is a lesbian. She is not testing the¬†boundaries¬†of typically conservative society and the stereotypes we have all been taught all our lives as she¬†appears¬†to fit a certain gender binary.

The underlying point your video makes on purpose or not is that many of the stereotypical ideas society has tried to enforce about gender, being masculine or feminine are simply not valid. they are not valid in nature so why should humankind be exempt? There is a spectrum of being masculine or feminine that goes way beyond what society has taught us in the past.  Men do like sports and fast cars and drinking beer with their buds. So do women. This dose not make them gay. And Men love fashion and art and pretty things. But this does not make them gay. A transsexual woman may be very femme and pass through society unquestioned. But this does not mean she likes men. The same is true for TransMen. Stereotypes just do not fit in the LGBT community and in the rest of society to many degrees.

We are all beautifully unique and it is OK to be different. It is OK to live outside the box. Yeah that little tiny colorless box that some people try to fit all of humanity into. You know the one where there is only man and woman and they can only love each other and act like a man or a woman and only do the things that a man or a woman “should” do. It’s all so¬†preposterous.

I live outside that box in a life of full color. And I am very happy to do so. Exploring and evolving your gender or even sexual identity is natural. It is a good and healthy thing. As we mature we hold on to bits a pieces of what we learn and like about being male or female or any number of infinite pieces of both. It is what makes us who we are and makes us such amazing creatures.

To Be. Or Not to Be… In Love

“When we feel love and kindness toward others, it not only makes others feel loved and cared for, but it helps us also to develop inner happiness and peace.” – H.H. The Dalai Lama

“Keep love in your heart. A life without it is like a sunless garden when the flowers are dead. The consciousness of loving and being loved brings a warmth and richness to life that nothing else can bring.” – Oscar Wilde

Love is a condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.” – Robert Heinlein

What is it I miss most about being in love?
What is it I miss about loving another and having that love returned?
What is it that is missing from my life?

I consider myself a very fortunate woman. I have at various points in my life had everything I would ever need in this lifetime. I have had money, privilege, family, friends, happiness, health and so much more. Complaining about my life would be a lie for the most part. I have had a pretty good life despite a few tests of my soul and my character and my strength of will to live.

I have been talking with a friend lately. Someone I like. Someone with whom I have found similar thoughts and feelings as I. The intimate conversations mostly only women can have. Generally because women feel and experience life in a way that is deeper and more colorful of emotion. Tis a generalization that largely but not always holds true throughout the human condition.

We have been discussing the things we as single women miss about being in a relationship with someone we really care about. The simple things are never lost over time. They dance around us like moon fairies on the water at night. Seen, adored and always out of reach. The soft kisses early in the morning as you wake. The supportive embrace upon returning home from a bad day at work. Holding hands on the beach as the sun sets over the ocean. Reaching across the table at a cafe gently placing a hand on a cheek to feel the warmth of love radiating into your hand. Lasting gazes across the room at a party where the conversations turn to a melody of sounds without words. Spooning, cuddling and just being together.

I have had all these things in my life at one point. Now that they are gone I realize how important and wonderful they are. I am confident I will have them again. I am a woman of deep emotion, intense passion and devoted love. But all this means nothing with no one to share it with.

Some of us by nature are better when committed. We are complete and fulfilled by the presence of another in our lives. Loneliness is not a pleasant situation. It affords us too much time too think about what it is we are missing. I am also a Pisces which compounds the ache of an empty spot in my heart.

Not only do I miss the gift of love and a partner’s caring touch. I miss giving of myself. Feeling complete is not all about filling your vessel. It is as much about filling the vessel of another with your heart and soul. This world would benefit from more giving like this. I know because I have been there. The feeling of confidence, power and love that comes with giving unconditionally of yourself to another and not only seeing the light brighten in your partner but feeling the warmth of their inner light radiating back into your soul.

The secret to happiness is knowing what to feed your heart and how to nurture its growth. There are no things of man that can provide this most basic of needs. It is love. The only true fuel to ignite the fires within yourself and others is love. Without it loneliness serves only to cool and smother the fire within.

Talking about this with my friend has really opened many windows into my past. Not so much the woman I was once in love with but what we had for a time. When that dies something dies inside of us. But the memory of it does not fade like other memories do. I think this is because when something touches the deepest part of your being as love can do, it engraves a permanent mark on your being, your sense of self. Take it away and part of you is gone. The parts that remain are what your partner gave you that cannot be returned. Of all those things the feeling of life in a state of utter completeness and the memory of love.

In a way I am not a whole person. My other half is out there. When we do come together, magic will restore the imbalance in my heart. I used to believe in soul mates. Maybe I still do. I do still believe in love. I do believe there is more than one person in this world with a matching love of life and compatible soul where giving our selves too each other will ignite a blaze lying dormant within.

It seems we are rolling into a season where giving should hold more meaning and purpose. In these very difficult times we are now enduring, love is more important than ever. For some it is all they have left. For some it is all they would need to get them through another day. For some it is the breath of life.

I may find someone to share my life with again soon. I may not. The same is true for everyone. But one thing I do have is the ability love many people on many different levels. And I give it freely. That does not fulfill the same giving as giving to a partner. But it still feels good.

I wish you all love and happiness.