Amazon Rising: Nikki Dreams » love http://nikkidreams.com A Proud Lesbian Finding Her Way Thu, 22 Jul 2010 07:02:59 +0000 en hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.0 The Scent of a Woman http://nikkidreams.com/2010-05-the-scent-of-a-woman/ http://nikkidreams.com/2010-05-the-scent-of-a-woman/#comments Wed, 12 May 2010 05:00:27 +0000 Nikki http://nikkidreams.com/?p=26 Her lips fall from her cheek. Her lips leave delicate caresses moving slowly along her lovers neck. A familiar scent tempts her senses. As her nose grazes the softest parts of her neck and fills with the warmth of her skin and the scent of a woman. She stops to inhale all she can absorb. Her lover deep within her arms. She rests her chin and cheeks withing the comforting cradle between her shoulder and neck.

Laying there almost motionless she waits. Breathing gently, delicately along the depth of her lover’s neck. Just below and slightly behind her ear. Her lover quivers at the soft brushes of warm breath. She takes in slow deep breaths from her lover’s body. The scent is intoxicating. Her eyes close as she takes in the sweet, warm fragrance. A rush flows over her body as she takes breath after breath of her lover.  Together they flow within each other only aware of the other. Safe in loving embrace.

Sorry guys this is not for you. I realize men do love women as women do men. And that is all very beautiful too. But there is no comparison for what a woman can share with another woman. Our sense of smell and touch, power of emotion and depth of passion. It is beyond magical.

I sensed this from a very early age. I have never been promiscuous or even that adventurous in reality. Maybe it was fear, maybe it was circumstance, But I always noticed. I always felt it. I remember my first girlfriend well. She would leave her scent on my cloths, the notes she left me and in my mind. I could remember every detail of her and later girlfriends by remembering that fragrance. The way a woman’s skin  smells. Fresh from the shower, after a light workout, while she is making love. It is so very intoxication.

No perfumes or man-made scents can compare. There are many wonderful perfumes that enhance a woman’s unique scent. But too much and the effect is lost. I love, Adore and Desire women. I always have. I know more than ever that will never change. I am proud to be an out open lesbian.  My life has been blessed by some amazing women as frineds and lovers. Even now I cannot help but study a beautiful woman as she walks by. Not out of lust but out of sheer artistic appreciation. The female form is the most amazing thing to behold. There is beauty in all women.

The way she walks. The way she smiles, laughs, loves and cries. The way she brushes the hair from her face on a windy day. The way she turns and smiles at a passing friend. The way she lights up a room. The way she holds her infant child as she breast feeds. I admit to being an admirer of the superficial. But I love what is inside just as deep. I cannot help what I like. What I adore. None of us can. It is the way we are born. I was born to love and cherish women. And I respectfully do so with great pleasure every day.

Every once in a while that amazing scent is lifted in to the air. When you realize it on the street, in a shop or anywhere…. OMG the memories and the warmth… the desire.

I know many women are horrified at the thought of another women finding her attractive. But you should not be. I do not want to be with every woman I see or meet. Not all women are attractive in that way to me. And so it is for anyone. But there is still this undeniable beauty non-the-less. More often than not I simply enjoy the gift of admiring her beauty. I notice women. I love fashion. I can watch other women for hours on end simply enjoying how each moves or the simple silhouette in the sunlight. I capture women in my mind for inspiration. I only hope I can express my fondness for women in a meaningful and beautiful way in my art and writing.

To all women – thank you for being you. You are beautiful.

]]> http://nikkidreams.com/2010-05-the-scent-of-a-woman/feed/ 1 Vulnerability http://nikkidreams.com/2010-05-vulnerability/ http://nikkidreams.com/2010-05-vulnerability/#comments Thu, 06 May 2010 07:05:36 +0000 Nikki http://nikkidreams.com/?p=34 Vulnerability : The careful art of allowing someone in. Intimacy based in trust.

It’s one of the greatest gifts you can give another. Allowing them in hoping they do not run off with the spoils. Most are just afraid of what we keep locked away. Or is it we ourselves that are afraid of what we protect behind these walls?

A subject of intense joy and sorrow depending on how that trust is used.

]]> http://nikkidreams.com/2010-05-vulnerability/feed/ 0 Self Inflicted Wounds http://nikkidreams.com/2010-03-self-inflicted-wounds/ http://nikkidreams.com/2010-03-self-inflicted-wounds/#comments Mon, 08 Mar 2010 02:02:44 +0000 Nikki http://nikkidreams.com/?p=22 How do you draw pain?

What does sorrow look like?

What shape is hurt?

What color is sadness?

How do you erase what cannot be undone?

]]> http://nikkidreams.com/2010-03-self-inflicted-wounds/feed/ 0 The Blue Fairy http://nikkidreams.com/2009-12-the-blue-fairy/ http://nikkidreams.com/2009-12-the-blue-fairy/#comments Mon, 28 Dec 2009 03:02:00 +0000 Nikki http://nichole-shannon.us/nikkidreams/?p=6 The greatest powers in the universe cannot hold back tears that need to flow free. Mine had been building for a few weeks. I did not cry long or particularly hard. This time I had my mother their to catch me. So many times I have cried in the last 2 years that I wished mom was there. Today she was because I am home for the first time in many years. Today I cried and All I needed was a catalyst.

The Blue Fairy pried the memories from my mind and the tears soon followed. As I watched the movie AI with mom, I realized I had forgotten about the Blue Fairy. The Blue Fairy was to grant David is sole wish in life; to made into a real boy so that he could return home so his mother would love him always. Towards the end of the movie the key to my tears would soon appear. As David steers the craft too the bottom of the ocean where what seems a blue fair stands silently in the ruins of humanity, he finds her and asks her “Blue Fairy, can you make me a real boy?”

The darkened cell in which a certain memory lay captive, silent and seemingly dormant was released. And David became trapped in a prison forever just out of reach of the Blue Fairy to perpetually pray to her to make him real and to be loved.

I too had my Blue Fairy as a child. Endlessly praying to release me from my own prison and to make me “real” too. For me what seems a lifetime, over 30 years, since then my wish was finally granted. But it was not the Blue Fairy to release me from my struggle to “become real.” David’s wish too was granted in a way after 2000 years. And like me the Blue Fairy was not the one to satisfy his dream.

In the end it is not important how each of our wishes came true. It is only fair to say that they did in our own important way. Not the exact way each of us had hoped and dreamed for so so very long. But in others equally as beautiful.

I am not a robot. I have always been real. Just not as real as I was meant to be, but I am now. I have also known unwavering love from my mother. In the end David did too even as she passed in her sleep as he held her hand. The strange irony of standing in the doorway of my bathroom as the tears came before heading off to bed, my head on my mother’s shoulder, struck me even as I cried and told her briefly of my Blue Fairy.

]]> http://nikkidreams.com/2009-12-the-blue-fairy/feed/ 1 That Which is Important http://nikkidreams.com/2009-11-that-which-is-important/ http://nikkidreams.com/2009-11-that-which-is-important/#comments Mon, 30 Nov 2009 00:07:00 +0000 Nikki http://nichole-shannon.us/nikkidreams/?p=5

Pronunciation: \im-?p?r-t?nt, especially Southern & New England -t?nt, -d?nt\


Function: adjective

Etymology: Middle English importante, from Medieval Latin important-, importans, present participle of importare to signify

Marked by or indicative of significant worth or consequence : valuable in content or relationship

As a child growing up in a series of affluent neighborhoods, I learned only some of things I needed to live a happy and fulfilled life. I developed a sense of self and thought I knew what made me happy. As the years peel away so dose the ever evolving sense of self and what is important in life. Values change. Desires change. People change.
The things that are important change with the fulfillment of the basic needs to survive or lack there of. Money, children, careers, hobbies, friends and family are just some of the more important things which mold or chisel away at the concept of importance. Emotions and your sense sense of self evolve and fluctuate with your environment. Sometimes these fluctuations are a daily or even an hourly dance to a new tune.
You really have to just weed through the fickleness of the frequent fluctuations. After that you are left with the more important things in life that really do make a difference. As my mind has cleared over the past couple months, clarity has become an increasingly welcome part of my life.
Family and friends are at the top of my list of the most important parts of my life. I have an amazingly wonderful relationship with my family. In particular my mother. I will likely never have a daughter of my own and I will certainly never be able to have children of my own even if I wanted any. But this is as much a choice I made years ago as it is fate. The importance of not having a child over these past many years will forever be my secret shared with very few.
Love.
I usually save the biggest topics for last or even dedicate an entire blog to them. But I think I just want to get this one out of the way. I do want to fall in love again. Love is an amazing thing and it is a deeply important part of living a meaningful existence for all humans. Despite what some may say. I have been in love before. Deeply in love. The pain of having that ripped away is devastating but it is not the end of life. I have made my peace for now with lost love. This is the only way we can open our hearts again to loving and being loved.
The Ocean
This may seem and odd thing to say is of top importance. Well I know for me it is. I am Pisces and I really do need to be near the waters from which we all came. I am drawn to the sea by an invisible yet palatable force. I will return to the ocean soon. I realize the importance of the beach and the salinity in my life and it must be fulfilled to allow other parts of my self to grow and mature.
What I am trying to say here is, everyone needs an ocean. Not everyone likes the beach or even being in the water. Your ocean may be the desert, the mountains or the island of Manhattan. It is a place in your heart that is bigger than you. It is a place where you feel most at home. You draw comfort and strength by close proximity. Healing your soul with it’s greater majesty is and familiarness goes a surprisingly long way towards happiness. Think about where is important to you as much as what or who.
Self Worth.
Yes, yes, yes. Value yourself. If you cannot do this you will never be happy. Of all things, being at peace with yourself, loving yourself and liking who you are is of utmost importance. How can you value others or even life itself if you do not value your own existence? I think a lot of hate and intolerance in this world is the direct of personal dissatisfaction. Humans by nature seem to think that by displacing their own self loathing or personal dislikes on to others is going to heal what is wrong with themselves. That is simply not going to happen. There can be no hate in healing.
Self Expression
I am not a philosopher. I am not highly educated. I failed miserably in school with one exception. Art. I excelled. My muse comes and goes. My art goes into remission and returns now and then these days. But one thing that is almost as as important to me in life as the air I breath is art and music. These are the tools my inner most demons use to communicate with the outside world. They are the healing and nurturing pieces of my life that help keep my blood flowing. The single most pervasive constants throughout my life have always been art and music. I play guitar and piano and draw and create things with my hands.
My gifts to the world is not the websites I create, the goodness I spread, nor the charity I give but the the words I write, the art I create and the music I play. These are a part of me. Real and tangible pieces of the deepest parts of me. Theses are the expressions of who I am and what is important to me in abstract or concrete form. Of the most important things to me and in my life I have neglected this this most. Only finding solace over the past couple decades in consuming the self expression of others. And this is something I must change to survive and continue to evolve as a passionate, caring woman.
Everyone needs to express themselves in some way to release or feed what is inside your heart, mind and body. The soul remains unfulfilled when it cannot show the world, a friend or lover what lurks inside. It’s not always understood nor appreciated, but you cannot store everything inside. Somethings must be allowed to flow from you. Some things just need to be let free no matter how much they may hurt.
Self expression through whatever means is communication. This is what we really need to understand. This is an art in and of itself through words or actions. So many people today have lost the ability to really communicate. There is too much hostility and rejection. Too many people do not take the time to appreciate or even try to understand what is being expressed by others. Not just words coming from your mouth or words texted in a phone message, but the overall body of work we all create. Cryptic I know. But think about it.
The Basics
I suppose there are so many more things that are important. And what is important to me is not necessarily important to you. Like my cultish love of Sushi or progressive metal or even the beach. But there are some basic importances in everyones life that are common to all. We know what they are. Food, water, shelter, security and even love.
By satisfying theses basic needs you can successfully navigate what is really important in your life. But this statement comes with a warning. There is a catch 22 at work here. Without knowing what is important or satisfying what you feel to be important in your life you may not be able to satisfy the most basic and the most important things in all of our lives.  Kind or a conundrum huh?
Example: If your life sucks and you are not happy with who you are as a person. Maybe you really do not like yourself or there is a nagging deficiency with who you are. Maybe you are gay and still in the closet and it is killing you living a life of lies hiding from everyone you know. Maybe you did something in your past so terrible it eats you from the inside. Maybe you just really hate where you live or your job for what ever silly reason or not. Maybe you have succumb to depression or substance abuse. Maybe all of the above is true….
Sink or Swim and Even Fly.
For what ever reason you are not happy or unchallenged or seemingly unloved. If you allow it to, the important things in your life will become less so. They may even seem unattainable goals or pipe dreams of a grass is greener existence. When you let go and stop working towards attaining the important things in your life, the basic things you need to exist may soon follow and often do.
You cannot let one or even a few crappy things in your life destroy all the other important things in your life. Too many people have become comfortable with giving up and just saying I can’t. I know I have been there myself. It is easy to say I can’t and be miserable that it is to take on the challenges before you and fight to survive and even thrive.
Take this into consideration though. Humanity is still here. We persist and often thrive despite our indifferences and willingness to destroy our planet and each other. Why is this? Because within each of us is the ability to overcome insurmountable odds to become who we are, to become amazing, beautiful creatures of immense compassion and good.

Caring.

It is important to me to care for and about others, this planet and all creatures that inhabit this world and other worlds physical or ethereal. Caring can bring great satisfaction to you and others. Caring can lead to many other wonderful things. All that I have mentioned so far is attainable because I genuinely do care about myself, my friends and family and this world. I’m not saying we all have to love each other. We all don’t even have to be friends. But if we can all take the time to care for each other even just a little bit, all those things, all those important things will become a satisfying part of your life and mine.
The more importance we place on caring the less importance we place on hate. And on that note we conclude. I have a few important things I must do.
]]> http://nikkidreams.com/2009-11-that-which-is-important/feed/ 0 To Be. Or Not to Be… In Love http://nikkidreams.com/2009-11-to-be-or-not-to-be-in-love/ http://nikkidreams.com/2009-11-to-be-or-not-to-be-in-love/#comments Tue, 17 Nov 2009 04:49:00 +0000 Nikki http://nichole-shannon.us/nikkidreams/?p=4

“When we feel love and kindness toward others, it not only makes others feel loved and cared for, but it helps us also to develop inner happiness and peace.” – H.H. The Dalai Lama


“Keep love in your heart. A life without it is like a sunless garden when the flowers are dead. The consciousness of loving and being loved brings a warmth and richness to life that nothing else can bring.” – Oscar Wilde

“Love is a condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.” – Robert Heinlein

What is it I miss most about being in love?
What is it I miss about loving another and having that love returned?
What is it that is missing from my life?

I consider myself a very fortunate woman. I have at various points in my life had everything I would ever need in this lifetime. I have had money, privilege, family, friends, happiness, health and so much more. Complaining about my life would be a lie for the most part. I have had a pretty good life despite a few tests of my soul and my character and my strength of will to live.

I have been talking with a friend lately. Someone I like. Someone with whom I have found similar thoughts and feelings as I. The intimate conversations mostly only women can have. Generally because women feel and experience life in a way that is deeper and more colorful of emotion. Tis a generalization that largely but not always holds true throughout the human condition.

We have been discussing the things we as single women miss about being in a relationship with someone we really care about. The simple things are never lost over time. They dance around us like moon fairies on the water at night. Seen, adored and always out of reach. The soft kisses early in the morning as you wake. The supportive embrace upon returning home from a bad day at work. Holding hands on the beach as the sun sets over the ocean. Reaching across the table at a cafe gently placing a hand on a cheek to feel the warmth of love radiating into your hand. Lasting gazes across the room at a party where the conversations turn to a melody of sounds without words. Spooning, cuddling and just being together.

I have had all these things in my life at one point. Now that they are gone I realize how important and wonderful they are. I am confident I will have them again. I am a woman of deep emotion, intense passion and devoted love. But all this means nothing with no one to share it with.

Some of us by nature are better when committed. We are complete and fulfilled by the presence of another in our lives. Loneliness is not a pleasant situation. It affords us too much time too think about what it is we are missing. I am also a Pisces which compounds the ache of an empty spot in my heart.

Not only do I miss the gift of love and a partner’s caring touch. I miss giving of myself. Feeling complete is not all about filling your vessel. It is as much about filling the vessel of another with your heart and soul. This world would benefit from more giving like this. I know because I have been there. The feeling of confidence, power and love that comes with giving unconditionally of yourself to another and not only seeing the light brighten in your partner but feeling the warmth of their inner light radiating back into your soul.

The secret to happiness is knowing what to feed your heart and how to nurture its growth. There are no things of man that can provide this most basic of needs. It is love. The only true fuel to ignite the fires within yourself and others is love. Without it loneliness serves only to cool and smother the fire within.

Talking about this with my friend has really opened many windows into my past. Not so much the woman I was once in love with but what we had for a time. When that dies something dies inside of us. But the memory of it does not fade like other memories do. I think this is because when something touches the deepest part of your being as love can do, it engraves a permanent mark on your being, your sense of self. Take it away and part of you is gone. The parts that remain are what your partner gave you that cannot be returned. Of all those things the feeling of life in a state of utter completeness and the memory of love.

In a way I am not a whole person. My other half is out there. When we do come together, magic will restore the imbalance in my heart. I used to believe in soul mates. Maybe I still do. I do still believe in love. I do believe there is more than one person in this world with a matching love of life and compatible soul where giving our selves too each other will ignite a blaze lying dormant within.

It seems we are rolling into a season where giving should hold more meaning and purpose. In these very difficult times we are now enduring, love is more important than ever. For some it is all they have left. For some it is all they would need to get them through another day. For some it is the breath of life.

I may find someone to share my life with again soon. I may not. The same is true for everyone. But one thing I do have is the ability love many people on many different levels. And I give it freely. That does not fulfill the same giving as giving to a partner. But it still feels good.

I wish you all love and happiness.

]]> http://nikkidreams.com/2009-11-to-be-or-not-to-be-in-love/feed/ 1