Amazon Rising: Nikki Dreams » things

In the Wake of Tears

Nikki — Sat, 22 Jan 2011 09:16:48 +0000

I loved her with all my heart, all my soul
I loved her more than I loved myself
I sacrificed myself for her, for us

But when I could no longer live without loving myself too
I choose to live instead of killing myself
I found the way to loving who I am

Our promise to grow old together
Our promise to love each other no matter what
Or promise ended when we could no longer love each other and love ourselves at the same time

She could not love me for who I am; a soul free from my own torment
And I hate her for that
And that kills me inside every day

Because no matter what I say
Because no matter how much I try to hate her after all these years
Deep down I still love her despite what she did

Either way I died
Either way I still live
Either way loving myself is a promise I will keep

No matter how much hurts
No matter how much it burns
No matter how much I just want it all to stop

I know it get’s better
I know some days are better than others
I know I have to live to love again

My View, Pride, Sushi & Stuff

Nikki — Sat, 03 Jul 2010 21:06:42 +0000

Well here I sit. I was literally sitting on the curb for a bit while writing today. Now I’m sitting on the stoop in front of my flat. The sun is shining and there is a nice breeze making today and especially wonderful day here in San Francisco. This city is growing on me for sure. I miss a lot about San Diego but it is just different. One thing I have noticed here is that no one sits on their front porch or stoop much around this part of town. Not like in some parts. The people seem nice enough here it just is not very neighborly. I never seen ANYONE out on this street except the French kids a couple houses down. Just seems odd to me.

San Francisco is definitely the gayest city in the world. My kind of town . Last week was Pride. My first Pride here. All I can say is OMG I have seen just about everything now. So I am wondering why is it only the fat ugly and very white gay men are the ones that have to roller skate down Market Street wearing nothing more than a cock ring? Why can’t the good looking gay men do it at least. I mean the one guy was so lacking the guy in the clown suit yells out “OMG Small guy… ” as Mr. Cock Ring rolls by. I about tipped over the concrete when he blurted that out. So many heads turned and “Small Guy” quickly rolls off into the crowd.

Eeewww. On so many levels. But I digress. I’m good at digressing.

Back on the ground again. Need some shade for my sunburned shoulders. “This is the Thing” by Fink is playing on my lappy right now.

We have a great cut off view of the city with the Castro in the foreground. If you look closely you can see Dolores Park in the distance. Dyke March 2010 started there last weekend. Wow. All I can say to that is Wow. Spending the entire day in the park with my people was so awesome. And I only had 2 beers.

I seriously need to make some real frineds. Peeps I can just hang out with. It would go a long way to improving my enjoyment of this city. I have met a couple people including Autumn who has a great San Francisco blog at “A Mindful Individual“. Had an awesome sushi dinner with her and her frineds a few weeks ago. Hopefully we can do something again soon.

Oh and I signed up to play in the Woman’s Football League here. That is Soccer for all you who are a bit slow.

There is so much to do here it’s crazy. A little country girl in a big city. I have so much more to figure out here and in my life. But I am pretty satisfied with the view.

View from our deck.

Sitting on the curb, writing.

Sanctuary

Nikki — Sun, 09 May 2010 00:29:09 +0000

She sits in her bed.

It is nearly 5:00 in the afternoon.

Her bedroom, her sanctuary. She is me.

My own best friend and worst enemy.

Do I even notice myself here? My bed is filled with blankets pillows and creature comforts. Kettle popcorn, computer pencils and drawing pad adorn my comfort zone. A scented candle burns on one of two night stands surrounding me. The rails of the canopy bed are hung with multicolored scarves and pastel sheers to soften my space. The white on white room is only mildly tidy. The colors of dark and unpainted furniture are all that break the white on white expanse of walls. A disorganized room for a disorganized woman.

I am in my head again. Deep within my head. I have been traveling there a lot more these past few weeks. My only distractions being reading my book “Curse the Dawn” by Karen Chance, drawing, playing my guitars, I have several, and my purgatory online, social networking. I go to work and the gym of course. Yeah I joined a gym a couple weeks ago. I am glad I did. It feels really good to sweat and lift weights. I have been so horribly out of shape. I am going to get my supermodel body if it kills me. I know I will never be a supermodel. A fetish or pinup model would be really cool. Oh yeah. That has been a secret in my heart for some time. I always wanted to be a supermodel from about the first day I saw Cristy Brinkley. I had a poster of her in my locker in Jr High. I wanted to be her. I still think she is one of the most beautiful women in history.

Still in my sanctuary. I am listening to chill music videos like Fink and Breaks Co-op. I keep trying to draw something through the haze of confused and trouble thoughts. I admit I don;t have a perfect life. I don’t have a fucked up life either. I have built something from nearly nothing… again. the hardest part about that is that I have NO friends here. Not real hang out any ole time hay stop by kind of friends anyway. I think I only ever had one of those my entire life. I like my job but I do not make friends with people at work. It’s just too complicated. It has nothing to do with being a lesbian either. I am out REALLY out in that regard.

I did manage to make what may turn out to be a really true and lasting friend up in Sonoma county. Dr. D. I call her. She has a heart of gold and deserves so much better than me. We have enjoyed each other company very much lately. I care about Dr. D so I won’t taint her life with my details here. Let’s just hope I don’t fuck up that relationship anymore than I may have already done. Side not: it’s almost comical that we talk on the phone frequently but neither of us can hear what the other is saying half the time. My friend in the stix.

Half a bag of popcorn down the chute and I can tell the sun is setting. Not because the clock says 5:23 but I can sense it. I have one window facing another window in an alley of sorts. A void between two Victorian houses really. Not much light here but I still feel it. I think I am going to keep writing. I am not getting very far with the drawing thing today. Maybe I will do that tomorrow. Maybe not. I have several things I really need to do or plan. I keep putting then off too.

Is this what it was life when I was a teen the first time around? I’m here again. Young of mind and filled with angst, emotion and unsure of many things. I guess this may just be the price of coming out so late in life. I’m working on a plan. Not sure what really. I told Dr. D I don’t make plans anymore. She commented “Why, because you just breaking them again?” Ouch. Funny but not. She was dead on.

I’m still here in my sanctuary. A unsure, maybe fading place of peace and comfort.

Am I just hiding from life and running from something?

That Which is Important

Nikki — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 00:07:00 +0000

Pronunciation: \im-?p?r-t^?nt, especially Southern & New England -t?nt, -d?nt\

Function: adjective

Etymology: Middle English importante, from Medieval Latin important-, importans, present participle of importare to signify

Marked by or indicative of significant worth or consequence : valuable in content or relationship

As a child growing up in a series of affluent neighborhoods, I learned only some of things I needed to live a happy and fulfilled life. I developed a sense of self and thought I knew what made me happy. As the years peel away so dose the ever evolving sense of self and what is important in life. Values change. Desires change. People change.

The things that are important change with the fulfillment of the basic needs to survive or lack there of. Money, children, careers, hobbies, friends and family are just some of the more important things which mold or chisel away at the concept of importance. Emotions and your sense sense of self evolve and fluctuate with your environment. Sometimes these fluctuations are a daily or even an hourly dance to a new tune.

You really have to just weed through the fickleness of the frequent fluctuations. After that you are left with the more important things in life that really do make a difference. As my mind has cleared over the past couple months, clarity has become an increasingly welcome part of my life.

Family and friends are at the top of my list of the most important parts of my life. I have an amazingly wonderful relationship with my family. In particular my mother. I will likely never have a daughter of my own and I will certainly never be able to have children of my own even if I wanted any. But this is as much a choice I made years ago as it is fate. The importance of not having a child over these past many years will forever be my secret shared with very few.

Love.

I usually save the biggest topics for last or even dedicate an entire blog to them. But I think I just want to get this one out of the way. I do want to fall in love again. Love is an amazing thing and it is a deeply important part of living a meaningful existence for all humans. Despite what some may say. I have been in love before. Deeply in love. The pain of having that ripped away is devastating but it is not the end of life. I have made my peace for now with lost love. This is the only way we can open our hearts again to loving and being loved.

The Ocean

This may seem and odd thing to say is of top importance. Well I know for me it is. I am Pisces and I really do need to be near the waters from which we all came. I am drawn to the sea by an invisible yet palatable force. I will return to the ocean soon. I realize the importance of the beach and the salinity in my life and it must be fulfilled to allow other parts of my self to grow and mature.

What I am trying to say here is, everyone needs an ocean. Not everyone likes the beach or even being in the water. Your ocean may be the desert, the mountains or the island of Manhattan. It is a place in your heart that is bigger than you. It is a place where you feel most at home. You draw comfort and strength by close proximity. Healing your soul with it’s greater majesty is and familiarness goes a surprisingly long way towards happiness. Think about where is important to you as much as what or who.

Self Worth.

Yes, yes, yes. Value yourself. If you cannot do this you will never be happy. Of all things, being at peace with yourself, loving yourself and liking who you are is of utmost importance. How can you value others or even life itself if you do not value your own existence? I think a lot of hate and intolerance in this world is the direct of personal dissatisfaction. Humans by nature seem to think that by displacing their own self loathing or personal dislikes on to others is going to heal what is wrong with themselves. That is simply not going to happen. There can be no hate in healing.

Self Expression

I am not a philosopher. I am not highly educated. I failed miserably in school with one exception. Art. I excelled. My muse comes and goes. My art goes into remission and returns now and then these days. But one thing that is almost as as important to me in life as the air I breath is art and music. These are the tools my inner most demons use to communicate with the outside world. They are the healing and nurturing pieces of my life that help keep my blood flowing. The single most pervasive constants throughout my life have always been art and music. I play guitar and piano and draw and create things with my hands.

My gifts to the world is not the websites I create, the goodness I spread, nor the charity I give but the the words I write, the art I create and the music I play. These are a part of me. Real and tangible pieces of the deepest parts of me. Theses are the expressions of who I am and what is important to me in abstract or concrete form. Of the most important things to me and in my life I have neglected this this most. Only finding solace over the past couple decades in consuming the self expression of others. And this is something I must change to survive and continue to evolve as a passionate, caring woman.

Everyone needs to express themselves in some way to release or feed what is inside your heart, mind and body. The soul remains unfulfilled when it cannot show the world, a friend or lover what lurks inside. It’s not always understood nor appreciated, but you cannot store everything inside. Somethings must be allowed to flow from you. Some things just need to be let free no matter how much they may hurt.

Self expression through whatever means is communication. This is what we really need to understand. This is an art in and of itself through words or actions. So many people today have lost the ability to really communicate. There is too much hostility and rejection. Too many people do not take the time to appreciate or even try to understand what is being expressed by others. Not just words coming from your mouth or words texted in a phone message, but the overall body of work we all create. Cryptic I know. But think about it.

The Basics

I suppose there are so many more things that are important. And what is important to me is not necessarily important to you. Like my cultish love of Sushi or progressive metal or even the beach. But there are some basic importances in everyones life that are common to all. We know what they are. Food, water, shelter, security and even love.

By satisfying theses basic needs you can successfully navigate what is really important in your life. But this statement comes with a warning. There is a catch 22 at work here. Without knowing what is important or satisfying what you feel to be important in your life you may not be able to satisfy the most basic and the most important things in all of our lives. Kind or a conundrum huh?

Example: If your life sucks and you are not happy with who you are as a person. Maybe you really do not like yourself or there is a nagging deficiency with who you are. Maybe you are gay and still in the closet and it is killing you living a life of lies hiding from everyone you know. Maybe you did something in your past so terrible it eats you from the inside. Maybe you just really hate where you live or your job for what ever silly reason or not. Maybe you have succumb to depression or substance abuse. Maybe all of the above is true….

Sink or Swim and Even Fly.

For what ever reason you are not happy or unchallenged or seemingly unloved. If you allow it to, the important things in your life will become less so. They may even seem unattainable goals or pipe dreams of a grass is greener existence. When you let go and stop working towards attaining the important things in your life, the basic things you need to exist may soon follow and often do.

You cannot let one or even a few crappy things in your life destroy all the other important things in your life. Too many people have become comfortable with giving up and just saying I can’t. I know I have been there myself. It is easy to say I can’t and be miserable that it is to take on the challenges before you and fight to survive and even thrive.

Take this into consideration though. Humanity is still here. We persist and often thrive despite our indifferences and willingness to destroy our planet and each other. Why is this? Because within each of us is the ability to overcome insurmountable odds to become who we are, to become amazing, beautiful creatures of immense compassion and good.

Caring.

It is important to me to care for and about others, this planet and all creatures that inhabit this world and other worlds physical or ethereal. Caring can bring great satisfaction to you and others. Caring can lead to many other wonderful things. All that I have mentioned so far is attainable because I genuinely do care about myself, my friends and family and this world. I’m not saying we all have to love each other. We all don’t even have to be friends. But if we can all take the time to care for each other even just a little bit, all those things, all those important things will become a satisfying part of your life and mine.

The more importance we place on caring the less importance we place on hate. And on that note we conclude. I have a few important things I must do.