Ambient in the Dark

A warm glow fills the room with ambient life.
It dances it’s colorful song in abundance just outside my window.
I peer into the light.
My restless limbs heavy as I turn.
My dreams all but faded into the subconscious.
The light beckons as it burns.
The sound of my heart broken by a passing train.

How did I get here again?

I have known the darkest places in my mind.
Felt life slipping away.
Held death in it’s last breath in my arms.

How is it the finest of threads holds so strong?

Unseen in this darkest of places.
It is not my heart that hurts, but my soul.
Even in her smile, her laughter, her love
… darkness consumes.

Holding on to this little white pill.
Is it for me?
Or is it for society?

Holding on.
It’s what we do until the universe claims it’s ground.
Until the weight of life is so faint, gravity pulls it beneath the waves.

This song is not about the living.
Nor these words a burden to bare.
Some are ghosts among us.

Some are the art and scars we carry deep inside our soul.

No Ice Cream

Alone in a room
Sitting
Sitting
Sitting
Slow Down, the melancholy of Radiohead
Wholefoods, Mac-n-cheese offending my wallet
Joyous, my tongue tastes organic cheeses melted
Eyes dead set in a window
Rain
Falling
Falling
Falling
Cold in a well heated room
Bustling city, this inclement day has your attentions
Holiday of me
A self imposed joy of the lonely
Ink on the cards still wet with passing thoughts
Mailbox
Empty
Empty
Empty
Check it again
If you call debts on paper bills
I call them words of remembrance
I am not forgotten
Do you remember her name
I do now
She lived in a house in a abandoned field where children played
Long ago
She was sitting in a room alone too
Ice Cream for young visitors
They are all grown
Fields long since paved
Cars driving by none the wiser
Rumble
Rumble
Rumble
Quiet comes late at night
I’m still sitting
Ice Cream
I have none

Running in Shadows

Some wounds run too deep.
The sounds of cracking bones or the words of petty fools.
I cannot see the scars.
Time has washed them clear.
I cannot feel the shot.
The bullets have long since been removed.
When all I ever wanted was to run away.
I ran.

Far away.
Deep in the forests of my own thoughts.
Scared.
Alone.
Freedom from the antagonists.
Freedom from myself.
All I ever wanted was to be me.
I ran.

Life was simpler back then.
Hide, stay low, avoid the common path.
Be found.
The reward is pain.
Blend in the shadows.
The consequence is absence of pain.
Shadows are made of fear.
I ran.

Year after year the jungle of pain and shadow.
Starving for something lost in my dreams.
Eating pain to give to the shadows.
Everything is living.
Except for me.
Back to old tricks.
Hiding within.
I ran.

The mirror holds truths for me to see each day.
Shadows in my eyes.
Old habits never die.
Dreams are just dreams.
No closer to being me.
Hiding from the pain.
It lives within me now.
So I do the only thing I know how.
I run.

Keep Pushing

 

I think I am getting ready to become unhinged
Sour notes struck across ill-tuned strings
This wound stuck deep
Enough to fester
Not enough to kill
Slowly bleeding out caustic anxiety
No words for they sting caustic on my flesh
Touch me and launch a thousand evils out of hell
Condescending your lack of faith
Do you see my gaze
It burns your effigy
Do you feel my tongue
Striking out a cord of razor and barb
This corner you’ve backed me in to
This dark place of directions set in flight
Walls made to contain a raging furnace
A crumbling foundation set to topple
How much longer
How much further
Push me off this ledge
Our fate rests in careless ways

The Blade that Severs Hearts

I can never love you
Her words pierce my flesh
My heart is not yours to have
Nor the walls mine to scale
Love is not a word
It is not for us to speak
The time between is only vapor
Breathe out
And watch me fade in the corner of your eyes

I can never trust you
Her words rake the calm from my mind
Something lost
Never to be found
Something taken
Never to be returned
To build anything form nothing remains
Nothing

I feel everything
And it is pain
Love is pain
Laughter is pain
Remembering is pain
Life is pain
I am pain
Forget the pain
It is still pain
My emptiness is filled with her pain

I shall never hear you
Her words reflections of my own
If ever there were peace
It is the silence between us
Scant whispers upon the echoes of the deaf
Meaningless motions in the dark

I will never be happy
Her words pool in the sadness of my own tears
We cannot be happy
Together or apart
We will never be
We will always be
Seeds of hope on a waterless plane

I am broken
And you are dead
In this we find common ground
In this we have the words
Define me not
Our words not understood
Never spoken
Words never heard

I am alone
Everywhere but in my darkness
Her words are my own
It is there we meet
It is there we are safe
It is there we die
In death we find life

I am alive in your voice
Her words an endless note
Just one
A tone repeated
Endless in its healing
Tragic in it’s cage
Set free the note
Set free
Complete the song
Cut our binds and cut our bond

Set free
We are united and whole
By the blade that severs hearts

I live

My gaze falls warm summer rain upon a soft pillow moon
Stars glitter ancient code open clues above earthly mysteries
A song lifeless unsung breath of reassurance upon my ear
Winged ballerina dashing emerald wings sketch a portrait in my mind
Beneath my feet the shadow’s cousin darker memories fall
Clarity in broken clouds not blue but golden in my dreams
The first buds of spring pass blossoms of art on textured paper
Music vibrato, staccato, harmony of fingers skilled upon taught steel
Idea to be or not or just in the moment I awoke
The sun sets for no one
It just sets

Making way long across narrow tracks to no particular end
Grown and not children play in my mind a painted carousel
Restful slumbers scatter colored leaves fallen fertile touch
Blazing fire roars dissonant orange and red spark new stars in to black
That memory we seek lives among the ashes
Lucid in my hand set free in the warmth of yours
Gone for now and never lost
It just is

I live

The First Step

To be..

A woman in the world without a past
Where childhood memories do not exist or last
Lifelong friendships have frozen in time
Lost to the moment she crossed the line
Her future fear uncertain but true
All in the name of living like you
To cry and scream and love so deep
Endless dreams aroused from sleep
Upon living this life to stay in stride
She longs to breath to stay alive

 

Focused in the task of passing through
… a world of stereotypes, fears and revolving doors

She steps outside the box
… and air fills her lungs

 

Hiding

I pulled the blanket over my eyes
Hoping you could not see me
Or maybe it was really so that I could not see you
My lump of unmoving flesh and bone still
So still as to not draw your attention
Or maybe it was so I could not feel

The perception of motion lost in shallow breaths
The layers of fabric shrouding my very thoughts
Though the corpse lay silent you knew I was there
Or is it that my memory is you trapped within my head

The opaque blackness in which I hide is home to me
Comfort in the darkness of my constructed realm
Or is it the dark inside that cast this shadow of you
Imprisoned behind tightly closed eyelids

I cannot no more dive deep enough beneath the waves
Or run as fast as time gives chase to hide from you
To forget that you are there or ever were
Is to draw the curtains on my life

An escape unworthy of the existence we once share