Suicide – Thoughts of – TDOR

For the first time in my life I have thought about being dead. I have never thought about actually killing myself. But I have weighed the consequences of the end. I cried so hard after realizing what I was thinking about. It scared me… it has upset me profoundly. For the first time in my life I think I really understand why someone would kill themselves.

Everything just keeps stacking up. Little by little. One becomes tired and withdrawn. One becomes trapped within the pain that is so great the ONLY way to stop it is to die. The outside forces keep beating and beating one down until there is nothing left but a corpse. Every person’s tolerance for emotional and physical pain is different. Everyone experiences life completely different. But what really drives someone to that ultimate moment. Is there one defining moment. Or is it just the weight of it all sitting precariously on the shoulder until that moment when the legs collapse form the weight.

She opened the drawer to her nightstand, the pale brown bottle of sleeping pills sit harmlessly under the child-proof lid. The long dried tears and runs of makeup down her face are the only signs of life once lived…. as she lies down a long forgotten calm quiets her breath. She comforts herself in the warm down comforter. The sun is shining and the sky is filled with blue… everywhere blue. But the beauty is gone. She sees only darkness. Her soft long hair gently spreads out over the pillow. She has put on her favorite nightgown. It is antique white silk with delicate lace and trim. It is old and worn but it is her favorite. As she closes her eyes, she gently and briefly smiles.

Something remembered?

She gently and silently stops breathing… her heart slows… it stops. Her skin goes blueish white and cold. She is gone. The pain is gone.

————————-

What pain is so great that one must die to cease its consumption of the mind and body?
Did she kill herself because she thought it was best for her?
Did she kill herself because it was the only way to get back at others?
Was being alive such a terrible thing?
Was her existence really meant to be?

I wish I knew why she did it. She left us all with no answers. No physical scars or bruises, her beautiful body shapely and soft. Only we can’t see what is inside. I remember her saying how everything kept falling apart. She hinted of the pain of all the hurtful words. The relentless torments. But they were just words right? They cant hurt you.

Or maybe it was something else. She mentioned her financial situation was bleak, jokingly saying she would be on the street soon then she would not have to pay that overpriced rent anymore. I noticed she had lost weight… had she stopped eating? The cupboards were bare except for green tea and crackers.

I’m not too clear on this right now. I.. I am still numb that she is gone. My own tears still drying along my cheeks. Her family and friends had abandoned her, but she had me. She had the others. Loneliness and depression were always a part of her life. I came too late to ease her pain.

—————

On this day of Transgender Remembrance we honor those who have died, were murdered, for being different. Killed for being themselves even in the face of all those who apposed. But I can’t help but now think how many more were driven to their own end for being different. How far can a person be pushed emotionally before they snap?

It is often the dozens of little things that will bring down the strongest. A reed may bend in the wind. But pour over it grains of sand… in time it will fail too.

why do i cry?

why do I cry?
is the pain so great it can only escape my soul as tears?
is the joy so complete I must share it in my eyes?

the tears roll down my cheeks, daily it seems.
they evaporate and spread like the mist over the ocean.
the tears forever streaming, day and night.
they carry my joy, my pain, my sorrow, my thoughts and my love out in to the world.

why do I cry?
is there no more room for what is building inside?
is there no need to keep what is hidden or precious in my mind?

the tears for my love are filled with her memories.
they lesson the pain with each day, yet the memories are sill there.
the tears of my love are seeds to be planted.
they grow in numbers and are spread by the winds.

why do i cry?
is this the way I must travel to feel what is past, what may have been?
is this how I search for what lay dormant inside for so very long?

the tears come unpredictably now, randomly seeking to be born.
they are my only connection with something within.
the tears fall like rain then a mist, a thought, picture, smell or a sound triggering the flow.
they contain all things I have stored in my thoughts, seem in my life, lost in my heart.

why do I cry?
no answers only questions, have I not come far enough?
have I lost my way or grown somewhere deep, somewhere I cannot yet see within my soul?

The answer is obvious l LOVE, HATE, FEAR and feel JOY. Goddess what else?… there must be so, so much more. But is it really that clear so black and white so irrefutable as to be called the truth?

I never knew how to cry my entire life until I set myself free.
Now I am free. I guess something hidden within my being still needs to be too. I tortured myself looking for the key to unlocking my tears. The answer was within me all the time. I never let myself see it. Why did it take so long, half a lifetime almost, to open that door? I am filled with so much now that my freedom is real. Now that I have chosen to live. I have chosen to feel.


why do I cry?
simply,  I have let myself live, let myself feel everything around me.
because I can take it all inside, the compassion, the love, empathy, every single experience real or perceived.

these tears I set free because they must not stay inside.
they are my gift to the world, my offerings to the universe.
these tears are only mine until I pass them on.
they are my gift to you and to myself, proof of life, a life finally living.

Well what the heck do I do now? and Random thoughts

So. In the past year and a half I have:

  • Hit rock bottom depressed
  • Moved of our boat after 2 year of living aboard
  • Got meds
  • Put the boat up for sale
  • Started therapy for GID
  • Come to terms with who I am.
  • No longer as depressed
  • Cut my drinking WAY, WAY back
  • Started taking care of myself more
  • Started living more true to myself but not completely so
  • Met some great people
  • Started going out for fun
  • Made some real friends
  • Bought 2 very expensive guitars and a home recording studio
  • No longer depressed
  • Got a good Job at a start up with a Psycho CEO at the helm
  • Seriously improved my wardrobe  by getting rid of most of my guy cloths
  • Alienated my wife and soul mate
  • Got somewhat depressed again
  • Tried to mend things with my wife by not being so Nichole
  • Realized I can’t even pretend to do the previous bullet anymore
  • Went on a nice vacation with my Wife or is it Girlfriend now?
  • LOst
  • Split up my marriage – mutually agreed actually
  • Got really depressed and empty
  • Got a bit overwhelmed
  • Decided transition is where I am headed
  • Got less depressed
  • Realized there is still much to be done
  • Have not told anyone in my family or old friends
  • Occasionally do realize it is not all bad and gloomy, REALLY I DO!
  • …..

Damn I know I forgot something. I know there are some good things in there somewhere. So what the heck do I do now? I will have a great big condo to myself now, a wife that still loves me as a friend but can’t be around me. An uncertain future. Job: OMG do I ever tell them at some point I would have too is I start HRT this year.

  • I have not balanced a checkbook or done taxes in 15 years. I have never been alone for more than a few days.
  • I need to exercise a lot more. I need to lose 40 lbs.
  • I need those shoes to be manufactured in size 12 damn-it!!! is that so fucking hard to do?
  • I am going to get my beard removed next month… and then more
  • I need to start a financial plan, seriously
  • I need to get my own insurance.
  • What is that rattling. OMG I need to take my car in for repair$$$$
  • I need to find a smaller place at half the price.
  • I need to finally get rid of the crap in the garage we have been carrying around for years.
  • Is that the beach I see.. OMG I live in San Diego. I need to get out more.
  • Hiking, Biking (Do I remember how), kayaking
  • I must help other people. I am not that bad off.
  • Hillary or Obama… damn-it why no “No Confidence” chads?
  • Must go see grandma… she is 95 and not getting any younger
  • Must see my Nephew before I turn into Auntie Nichole
  • Gotta pee goes  somewhere in here
  • I MUST start recording my music
  • I MUST BE HAPPY and stay HAPPY
  • Ah yes… need to vacuum more often
  • Want my cake and eat it too!!!
  • People are just fucked in the head…. except me and a few others
  • 7.5+/- billion years from now none of this will matter  anymore because the Earth will cease to exist and I will have probably already died.. maybe… or at least moved to the next closest solar system
  • How much is that Prada Bag?

Extreme intensity of the Mind

I want to share a dream I had this morning before sunrise. I must warn you first, if you are queasy, or disturbed by graphic content please don’t read any further. This was one of the most disturbing dreams I recall ever having in my life. I can still visualize it in graphic detail, like it just happened. Please trust me when I say I have held nothing back and that this blog may be quite disturbing to many.

Step back 2 days and you will find my wife and myself embarking on a private voyage upon our little yacht S/V Soul Mates. She is a lovely traditional sailing vessel designed for cruising around the world in comfort and safety. I always feel at home on her and I always feel like I am home on the water. No matter how far off shore or how miserable the weather. I hold a USCG 50 Ton Master Mariners license and I have been on the water since I was old enough to walk. I am Pisces. Go figure.

Saturday we anchor out and have a lovely dinner together, at peace in out surroundings.

Sunday was a beautiful although cold day sailing in the Pacific. We looked for whales but saw none. Only  a few dolphins in the distance and a vast ocean are our only company. We returned to anchor and enjoyed the comfort of each other and light music.

Monday morning around 4 am. My day changed.

In the world of dreams I bound in and out of different stories none of which I remember now. Save one. In my peaceful sleep I find my self suddenly thrust into this dream of cold gray and stone. Like an old middle age castle and courtyard. From here everything happens so fast I just cant understand what was going on. I turn to see a dirty and bloodied priest like person in red robes. Only I notice immediately it is not his blood smeared upon his face. I don’t know if he sees me or not but it almost seems as if I am compelled or forced to follow him just yards from where I entered the dream.I hear screams and begin to realize the chaos surrounding me. I see more of these “priests” running around purposefully and methodically. I see other people not like them being driven to the ground. I feel myself being drawn to an area near a raised stone garden at the entrance of some building. My sight is spinning from one side to the other like a camera on a pivot.

It is late sunset and it is cold and gray. Screaming is everywhere. People and priests. But the screams are not the same. The people are screaming in terror and pain. As I again focus I feel I am being driven to the ground. But I have time to scan the area again. I see men and women being driven to the ground, bound to trees building supports and attacked. I notice the blood, I can actually smell the stale, moist, metallic  odor of free flowing blood. I am driven further down. In the corner of my eye I see a man or rather a transgendered person being slaughtered with a large knife as he is tied to a cross. Screaming all the while he is being killed. He is trying to plead for his life, he is saying he has every right to be alive and why, why?… until he is dead. The blood is everywhere like a Quentin Tarantino movie.  It was awful. Literally pools of blood everywhere.

The highly enraged assailant thrusts himself in my direction as I am driven down. I see two other people below me. One a man in female clothing being held by other “Priests” and the other a woman, no a hermaphrodite woman. she is beautiful and clad in a thin linen like garment. She has the blood of many others splattering upon her. She is strapped like Jesus to a cross. Her clothing is ripped from her breast. She is exposed and suddenly a crazed man with a large knife comes at her. He jumps to her breast and begins to slice into the flesh slowly from the top down like he is cutting a ham or something. I am filled with fear and anger. I feel bound and unable to help anyone. At this point I realize all the people around are gay, trans, herm or of some similar category. All the time I am thinking these are my people why are you doing this.

I feel nothing but purer evil and hatred from these “Priests”. There eyes are wild like crazed animals. They are intent on slaughtering everyone. I hear people screaming as they try to reason and plea with our attackers. But we are all overpowered. My sight returns to the woman and the man below me. I am on my knees now bent over the woman forced to watch before my turn arises. It is of the cruelest of intents these murderers act. The woman is in so much pain as the man carves her breast from her chest only to leave them minimally intact and hanging.

I am totally freaked by the blood and graphic intensity of this dream and I now know I am dreaming. But I do not wake yet, though I try. As I begin to blur into consciousness  I see the attackers grab the woman’s dress peal it away from her and slice her penis and gouge out her vagina. I am at the same time waking and disgusted that I am even having this dream. Just before I wake I turn my head as I am forced down over the woman’s bloodied and writhing body still screaming … I see the man beside her attacked with the same intensity and the same blade as he is also dismembered. I can just now see it is happening to everyone and I am certainly next.

I awaken  in a very cold night. It is dark and quiet with only the sound of the shrimp popping on the hull of my boat. My wife is sleeping peacefully beside me none the wiser. I lay still in the darkness trying to clear my mind of these horrific images and thoughts. But as you can see it is still VERY clear in my mind now. I hope it goes away and never comes back.

Why did my subconscious do this to me? And Why so graphic and violent?
I pray I never have dream like that again. It is way to disturbing for even me to want to remember.

Peace, oh peace great ocean I seek your comfort tonight.
Nichole

Oh those wacky cousins over the pond!

I have a new good friend whom I have never met.

She says strange words I sometimes don’t get.

Mad is crazy and Rubbish is crap.

Cricky old sailboats and things like that.

She is filled with warmth, beauty and kind.

She fills me with happiness and eases my mind.

If ever I meet this new friend I can bet,

I have come home on an Island,

to an ancestral friend I just met.

————————————————-

My favorite sayings from across the pond:

Rubbish

Bloody Hell!

Cheeky Monkey

Let’s go to the Pub for Pint (Of Guinness of Course )

Tea ad Crumpets (WTH is a crumpet ? )

Cheerio (No not the Cereal)

And lastly my ALL time fave of faves….

Bob’s your Uncle… LOL (I don’t know any bob’s)

May the beauty in the world ever lighten your day.

Nichole