Nikk

I think I am getting ready to become unhinged
Sour notes struck across ill-tuned strings
This wound stuck deep
Enough to fester
Not enough to kill
Slowly bleeding out caustic anxiety
No words for they sting caustic on my flesh
Touch me and launch a thousand evils out of hell
Condescending your lack of faith
Do you see my gaze
It burns your effigy
Do you feel my tongue
Striking out a cord of razor and barb
This corner you’ve backed me in to
This dark place of directions set in flight
Walls made to contain a raging furnace
A crumbling foundation set to topple
How much longer
How much further
Push me off this ledge
Our fate rests in careless ways

I can never trust you
Her words rake the calm from my mind
Something lost
Never to be found
Something taken
Never to be returned
To build anything form nothing remains
Nothing

I feel everything
And it is pain
Love is pain
Laughter is pain
Remembering is pain
Life is pain
I am pain
Forget the pain
It is still pain
My emptiness is filled with her pain

I shall never hear you
Her words reflections of my own
If ever there were peace
It is the silence between us
Scant whispers upon the echoes of the deaf
Meaningless motions in the dark

I will never be happy
Her words pool in the sadness of my own tears
We cannot be happy
Together or apart
We will never be
We will always be
Seeds of hope on a waterless plane

I am broken
And you are dead
In this we find common ground
In this we have the words
Define me not
Our words not understood
Never spoken
Words never heard

I am alone
Everywhere but in my darkness
Her words are my own
It is there we meet
It is there we are safe
It is there we die
In death we find life

I am alive in your voice
Her words an endless note
Just one
A tone repeated
Endless in its healing
Tragic in it’s cage
Set free the note
Set free
Complete the song
Cut our binds and cut our bond

Set free
We are united and whole
By the blade that severs hearts

My gaze falls warm summer rain upon a soft pillow moon
Stars glitter ancient code open clues above earthly mysteries
A song lifeless unsung breath of reassurance upon my ear
Winged ballerina dashing emerald wings sketch a portrait in my mind
Beneath my feet the shadow’s cousin darker memories fall
Clarity in broken clouds not blue but golden in my dreams
The first buds of spring pass blossoms of art on textured paper
Music vibrato, staccato, harmony of fingers skilled upon taught steel
Idea to be or not or just in the moment I awoke
The sun sets for no one
It just sets

Making way long across narrow tracks to no particular end
Grown and not children play in my mind a painted carousel
Restful slumbers scatter colored leaves fallen fertile touch
Blazing fire roars dissonant orange and red spark new stars in to black
That memory we seek lives among the ashes
Lucid in my hand set free in the warmth of yours
Gone for now and never lost
It just is

I live

Somehow the way this episode was written, the actor ( Tony Curran ) who played Vincent van Goh, and my love of this particular artist’s work just clicked into place. Keys that unlocked a slue of emotions and tears. It was all very unsettling and yet it wasn’t. I felt very deeply for the Vincent, his life and his struggle. He loved art so much. He saw things in ways nobody had seen them before. He was ridiculed and made fun of during his own lifetime. His art never being worth as much as a trade for a drink in a local tavern. Until long after his death. I felt for him. There was a scene in this episode where the Doctor took Vincent to the 21 century to a gallery displaying the best of his work. The Doctor gave Vincent something he would never know in his own time. Respect and a moment of peace and happiness in his own mind that he was in fact one of the greatest painters in the history of mankind.

And as sad as it is history cannot be changed. Shortly after the Doctor returns Vincent to his own time, he committed suicide.
A moment of peace in a lifetime of struggle. Yeah I can relate to that.

Below is an excerpt from Wikipedia written about this very episode. I have copied it word for word in hopes it might make sense to you and give you a little insight into what I saw. Sorry I cannot help you to understand what I felt. I’m not completely sure of it myself.

—————–

The actor Tony Curran, playing Vincent van Gogh, is compared to a self-portrait of his character, and there is a remarkable similarity!

“Vincent and the Doctor” is the 10th episode in the fifth series of British science fiction television series Doctor Who.
The Doctor has taken Amy to the Musée d’Orsay in Paris, where they admire the work of the post-impressionist painter Vincent van Gogh. The Doctor discovers a seemingly alien figure in a window of the painting The Church at Auvers, and decides they must travel back in time to speak to Vincent. In 1890, they find Vincent at a cafe in Arles, a lonely man with a bad reputation, but he opens up when he notices Amy, sensing a loss she herself is not aware of. They discover that recent murders, the victims ravaged by some type of beast, have been blamed on Vincent, and the two resolve to help him.

At Vincent’s home that evening, the artist confesses that his works have little value to anyone else, but he believes the universe is filled with wonders that he must paint. Amy is attacked by an invisible beast that Vincent is able to see and sketch for the Doctor, who identifies it as a Krafayis, a vicious pack-predator likely abandoned on Earth. Knowing the beast will appear when Vincent paints the nearby church the next evening, the Doctor and Amy plan to join him, after which they will leave. Vincent becomes distraught at this news and shuts himself in his bedroom, saying that everyone leaves him in the end. The Doctor and Amy set out to capture the beast, but Vincent soon joins them, eager to help. He confides to Amy that if she can “soldier on, then so can Vincent van Gogh”.

Vincent begins painting the church and soon spots the beast inside. The Doctor demands that Amy stay back as he enters the church alone, but she and Vincent both agree they should help the Doctor. Vincent is able to save the Doctor and Amy, describing the beast’s actions as they hide in the confessionals; the Doctor soon realises from Vincent’s description that the beast is blind, the likely reason it was abandoned. The beast is impaled on Vincent’s easel when it tries to lunge at the artist. The Doctor attempts to soothe the dying creature while Vincent empathises with its pain. After the creature dies, the three return outside the church, and Vincent describes the night sky as he envisions it, deep blue, framed by swirling air.

The next day, the Doctor and Amy prepare to leave. Vincent asks Amy to return and marry him should she leave the Doctor. As Vincent turns to leave, the Doctor offers to show him something. The Doctor and Amy take Vincent in the TARDIS to the present and the van Gogh exhibit at the Musée d’Orsay. Vincent is stunned at the display, and becomes emotionally overwhelmed when he overhears Mr. Black, an art curator, say that van Gogh was “the greatest painter of them all” and “one of the greatest men who ever lived”. They return Vincent to the past, and say their final goodbyes. When Vincent renews his proposal to Amy, she tells him she really “isn’t the marrying kind”. As the Doctor and Amy return to the present, Amy hopes that there will be several more paintings by Vincent waiting for them, but instead learn that Vincent still committed suicide at the age of 37 years. The Doctor explains that life is a mixture of bad and good, and while their brief encounter with Vincent couldn’t undo everything wrong, they added some good to his life. The evidence is in Vincent’s displayed works: the face no longer appears in The Church, and now Vase with 12 Sunflowers bears the inscription, “For Amy”.

———————-

A Moment of Peace

There is so much focus by the GOP candidates on legalizing discrimination it is fucking scary and sickening. And they want less government. In fact by adding laws to deny LGBT citizens of rights is in fact creating more government. I believe what they want is to create a power structure that makes them a group dictatorship. If you love this country you will not vote for a single republican ever again. I would rather be up to our ears and drowning in debt than have a country run into the ground and destroyed by these sick individuals who’s only focus is what they can take away from the American public. And don’t get me started on their utter resistance to have the rich pay more taxes. Who the hell needs a billion dollars? What good is that doing the old, starving and the homeless in the streets of our greatest cities? And yes I do give goods and money to charities and pay large amounts of taxes every year. I did so even while unemployed. Why because I care about people and this is the best way I can help this country.

I am disturbed beyond words most of the time. But believe me I will fight till my dying breath to ensure every law abiding citizen is treated equally and with respect. I will not stand for laws that legalize discrimination, tell a woman what she can or can’t do with her own body or ensure the working class never get ahead.

A woman in the world without a past
Where childhood memories do not exist or last
Lifelong friendships have frozen in time
Lost to the moment she crossed the line
Her future fear uncertain but true
All in the name of living like you
To cry and scream and love so deep
Endless dreams aroused from sleep
Upon living this life to stay in stride
She longs to breath to stay alive

Focused in the task of passing through
… a world of stereotypes, fears and revolving doors

She steps outside the box
… and air fills her lungs

The perception of motion lost in shallow breaths
The layers of fabric shrouding my very thoughts
Though the corpse lay silent you knew I was there
Or is it that my memory is you trapped within my head

The opaque blackness in which I hide is home to me
Comfort in the darkness of my constructed realm
Or is it the dark inside that cast this shadow of you
Imprisoned behind tightly closed eyelids

I cannot no more dive deep enough beneath the waves
Or run as fast as time gives chase to hide from you
To forget that you are there or ever were
Is to draw the curtains on my life

An escape unworthy of the existence we once share