Where the Sunrise

Where there is courage to rise each day
The shadow of fear covers the path in darkness
Desire stands alone conscious in the obscure of night
Confidence the sacred jewel on a crown of hope

Where there is will

Where there is want of more each moment
The frozen grip of insecurity binds us in our place
Longing reins in the fears rooted in our minds
Strength the tireless companion standing at our side

Where there is courage

Where there is hunger for that outside our grasp
The walls of failure rise to obscure our way
Optimism casts its light on endless mazes
Determination an unstoppable force on the road of achievement

Where there is love

Where there is zest to live each waking moment
The pain of sadness cripples even the most able
Passion fuels the fire that warms our hearts
Love the the golden sunrise in the gift of life

Changing it all…

I have spent my life changing. Trying to change. Trying to improve myself. Working towards a better me. There was a time in my life I did not care. That is no longer me. I admit I am far from perfect. I procrastinate like a pro. I fall back into self destructive patterns as fast as the wind changes direction. I cuss like a sailor. The list goes on. Basically I am my own worst enemy. My fear to live a life better than I am now is fueled by self doubt. Yeah me. I am not the pinnacle of self-confidence I pretend to be. Funny how several people have noted how confident I am upon meeting the for the first time.

I am an INCREDIBLE actress. When it suits me.

But oh how I fall. I have been working for months now with a therapist and self evaluation to try and get past these last seemingly insurmountable hurdles. The irony being all that I have changed about who I am and my life over the last 3 years. You can change or fix just about anything with surgery these days. You can change your entire wardrobe. You can change careers. You can change your hair color, cut and style. You can change jobs and latitudes. You can change your mood with a little help from a friend. And yes you can even change your sex apparently. We are a world fast becoming a planet of designer humans.

But there are two things you cannot change. Your past and your mind. I hear the sound of squealing breaks of disagreement on that last one. I say that out of experience really. So hear me out. We can change the way we feel about a great many things. Education and enlightenment play a big role there. We can OVERCOME, contain or control a great many things in our heads. Just having an open mind and a willingness to change are pivotal in ones ability to modify your thoughts and feelings.

I am struggling. Struggling to change that last bit of me I hate so much. I am afraid to live and free myself of all those fears that hold me back year after year. Those fears that pull me back in to self destructive patterns. The fear that keeps me from living all the dreams I carry with me to protect me from the darkest places of my mind. I feel like a small child that just wants someone to hold my hand. Just long enough to take me across that bridge of fear.

But there is no hand. And all the confidence I can muster seems short lived. I am afraid of people. I meet people and never see or hear from them again or look them in the eyes and feel I am not liked for some reason. Am I too tall, too ugly, too pretty, too weird? I don’t feel like I fit in anywhere. This I have felt all my life. I still feel this way.

See all that self defeating stuff. It leads to being lonely. It leads to self doubt. It is that thing I have never been able to change about my mind. The part of my mind I cannot change despite my best efforts. And I don’t know why or how.

If only I could get past the fears in my mind that keep me from truly being the person I am in my own dreams.

in the silence

a heart longing to beat
lungs searching for a breath of fresh air
arms acing to hold
a slow dance in a room with no music
dinner for one in a restaurant of many
wind blowing in hair unfelt.
the unopened box of chocolates on the counter
an empty glass of a pair
gray clouds in a clear blue sky
a single room apartment.
the lone chair in the window
remembering what is lost

a Whisper in the Silence.

Wreck of the s/v Evening Song

Mayday! Mayday! Mayday!
This is the sailing vessel Evening Song
Latitude 22°28’14.25″N
Longitude 154°51’9.77″W

Evening Song, Evening Song, Evening Song
This is the US Coast Guard
What is the nature of your distress?

Evening Song, Evening Song, Evening Song…

The harsh din of static fills the airwaves
Rush to service boats and helicopters launch
Always on standby
Always waiting
The job they love
The job they hate

A night rescue filled with peril
Neptune’s rage unleashed
An ocean of wind and blowing foam
Torn mountainous peaks of writhing waters
Black rain coating a blackened sky

6 souls
6 frineds
6 lovers
Alone in a torrent
Lost at sea

Spotlights strain to pierce the night
Nothing
Eyes struggle losing focus
Nothing
Radars piercing the angry gale
Nothing

Choppers on scene
Two in the air
A ship and three boats soon arrive to a watery grave
Waiting, looking, hoping
A long face peers out from the helm

20 hours maybe more
A search for life
A search for clues
No sign of the ill-fated
No word from the crew

The quieting storm reveals no clues
A search called off
Day three in the air
All vessels to port
Relatives’ blank stares

Alone on the beach
Sadly she stands
Daughter of the captain
Child of the sea
Her parents taken no goodbyes only tears

A voyage of discovery
A passage among frineds
To visit the islands and be with loved ones again
Sailing the ocean a call to the seas
Ended one night with the last Evening Song

Marks of Pain

A stream of blood trickles down her face.
Unaware her bloodied finger smears the past across the keyboard
A Pause
A Flood of memories
Nervous habits hard to overcome
The long shadowy remnants of the past still digging new wounds
Maybe not consciously
But the fingers know
Unoccupied they dig and pull at the flesh
The bite of a thousand stings subtle scars on her flesh
Flesh abused by words and hate
Flesh tortured by her own hand
She curses the day she discovered pain on the outside masks pain on her inside

And still the blood stains
Marks of a new scar
Marks of an old wound

If only we could forget

Lover

Lover of life
Your story told in the lines of your face
The joy in your eyes

Lover of life
You see a world unknown to the caged
You run confident in to each day

Lover of life
The world around you vibrates with amazement
Everything old is still new

Lover of life
Friends agape in amazement every story told
Envy the silent companion in your shadow

Lover of life
Each sunrise the golden challis for your wine
Each sunset a joyous wake remembered

Lover of life
Infections warm and unhurried
Neither lead nor follow

Yours is a world of your own invention

Love Is

The truth of love is
… a word unspoken
… a gentle caress of thoughts in a whisper
… seamless moments in a lifetime of passion
… tear filled eyes of joy and pain
… falling and flying day after day
… forgiving the broken glass underfoot
… tracing the lines of her with a brush of lips
… sweet nothings that are everything
… cold nights heated in her arms
… disagreeing, yet respecting what she believes
… understanding
… compassion
… making out in the open window
… girlish giggles as her hand slips under the table
… between the sheets
… on the floor
… in the ocean pulsing to each wave
… hope
… caring
… laughing
… crying
… make up sex on a day started off wrong
… a rose in a vase
… a note left in the top drawer
… a hand wiping away the pain in tear
… standing together for all to see
… trust
… a promise
… catching the wind and flying free
… love
… love

Love
… a word of symbols and actions creating memories and passions
our gift to each other greater than all others

In the Wake of Tears

I loved her with all my heart, all my soul
I loved her more than I loved myself
I sacrificed myself for her, for us

But when I could no longer live without loving myself too
I choose to live instead of killing myself
I found the way to loving who I am

Our promise to grow old together
Our promise to love each other no matter what
Or promise ended when we could no longer love each other and love ourselves at the same time

She could not love me for who I am; a soul free from my own torment
And I hate her for that
And that kills me inside every day

Because no matter what I say
Because no matter how much I try to hate her after all these years
Deep down I still love her despite what she did

Either way I died
Either way I still live
Either way loving myself is a promise I will keep

No matter how much hurts
No matter how much it burns
No matter how much I just want it all to stop

I know it get’s better
I know some days are better than others
I know I have to live to love again