Younger than my age.
Not safe for work.
I pulled a u-haul behind my jeep and I moved in, with myself.
BIG sailboats out of the sight of land.
Jeep in a Baja MX desert way out of sight of man.
Wreck diving the Philippines.
Sleeping bag under the stars in the bed of a good friend’s pickup.
The National Gallery all day long.
No words in my songs.
Oil paint on a white skirt.
Motor oil on everything but the engine I rebuilt.
Teddy bear named BooBoo in my bed.
Four pillows for my legs, arms and head.
Laughing until I cry.
A few more hours I almost died.
Best friend I met in Sweden.
West Coast you are my Eden.
The beach, ocean and stars above.
20 pounds lost after 20 years the same.
Labels do no justice to the person I am.
Two lives lived, I have loved lost and am…
Complex and confident.
I never kissed a man.
Accepting the variety of us all.
But my own worst enemy when I fall.
Not a Rose but an Orchid or maybe just star.
Falling from the skies, I am stardust as are we all.
Friend, daughter, aunt, cousin but never a mom.
I am an artist, musician, nerd and this is my song.
When the mind and the body are in two different worlds, one seeks the other never meeting in between. Young is my heart and playful the mind. Drawn to youth and racing away the same. Foolhardy feelings lend to adventures and unsettling moments. Bold, gentle steps into the open I go. Many lives lived and many more to go. Young is my heart and creative my mind. Never satisfied with the present, my past left behind. I’ll build a great castle with walls crumbling down. See me. Feel me. I am none of deaf, dumb or blind. But touch me deep where only the mind may roam. One woman, one heart, many journeys must I live. Young is my heart and determined my mind. Let me not fall into old. Graceful steps. Frightening leaps. I venture forward. Youth chasing dreams. Aging vessel chasing time.
I wrote in my journal today. It was the first time in over a year since I had written anything. Coming out of depression is scary and amazing. Change is scary and amazing. Living is scary and amazing.
As I sat outside around the corner from my apartment writing outside the coffee shop, the sun warmed my skin in the cool air. It has been so long since I last wrote. I had so much to put down. Over 7 pages of the highs and lows of an entire year plus growing plans for this year flowed out. I doodle and ponder while listening to music as I write. It is therapy. One thing I have learned in my life is that you cannot hold everything inside. It will eat you alive. I have so much to do in a short time. Keeping anxiety at bay is a challenge but I am managing. Moving is stressful enough. Not having a job or a place to live is like walking a fine line next to a minefield. But I am going to make it. I am a very determined woman. I can do anything and mostly in my life, I have. When I set my mind to something it get’s done.
Next for me is jumpstarting my new old career in the arts and music. I wrote in my journal.
“I started off my adult life as an artist. A true tortured soul of an artist. I gave it up for 20 years to do what?”
What?… to learn I should have never given it up to make a lot of money. In the end I did make a lot of money, but it is all gone and it did not make me happy in the long run. It is time to change that. It is time to live for me for a change. I am going to do the things that make me happy. For that provides riches far greater than money. Dreams do come true for me. I make them happen. Maybe not all of them but I don’t give up easy on anything, even my endless pursuit of living a good life, self love and just being happy. I will succeed. I always do.
The Twin Dragon Vase is the last large fine art ceramic piece I created before I graduated from art school at ECU. As described in earlier posts this cast iron like glaze is fired to cone 6 on a cone 10 white stoneware body. Spraying the glaze took a little finesse to avoid getting too think on the dragon sculptures and their claw marks scaling the vase. Inspired by Greek and Roman pottery, the pot was thrown in two separate pieces. Each dragon was made off the pot and latter married to each other and the neck of the vase using a lot of slip and deep scratching. It took about 2 weeks to create and allow to dry properly. I PRAYED this piece made it through all the firings in one piece. I was really big into Japanese Art and Medieval literature at the time of it’s making. So I guess this piece is an amalgamation of many thoughts and styles crashing in my head at once. And yes I got an A in that class 🙂
This was my first real fine art ceramic piece that crosses the line between utilitarian and purely decorative. This is one of a series of “black iron” ceramic pieces. The glaze is a cone 10 glaze over white stoneware. I created this glaze on a whim one day trying to achieve the blackest of blacks with a slight metallic feel. The trick however was to fire it to cone 6. This gave the glaze its black iron appearance. The glaze become molten but not hot enough to glassify and run. The glaze itself would be enormously expensive to produce in today’s market. It has a very high metal content. The highest percentage being Cobalt Oxide. So not only is the cobalt EXPENSIVE it is toxic as are a couple other chemical in that glaze. So working with it required a bit of caution. At cone 6 this came out much more amazing than I had expected. Firing the glaze to cone 10 produces a very shiny black glaze which my studio mate Ben Owen was even pleased with. I think I gave him the recipe to work out for his own super black glaze. I hope he still uses a descendant of that glaze.
This is one of my greatest creations. It is a stoneware body fired to cone 10-11 for about 12 hours under very heavy reduction. It took two separate firings to achieve this look. The glaze is a natural byproduct of the ashe from the pine we burned. The inside has a translucent glaze filled with ash specs. Myself and Ben Owen III from Seagrove, NC built a catenary arch wood fired kiln in college together. That was definitely one of the highlights of my life. We fired the kiln very often, filled with mostly our own pottery. Ben is a famous potter coming from a very long family history of potters. We had studio space beside each other at the East Carolina University School of Art and Design. That was many years ago. I am working towards being able to do this again someday soon.