Thoughts of a Dying Tree

I turned to see the tree fall in the forest. Crashing like a lake over the forest floor. The branches and leaves splashing over me.

They say the falling tree may never make a sound if no one is there to hear it. It sang to me a requiem of 500 years as it fell.

When and Then

When I was born,
It is said the flowers bloomed and the rains washed away the past
And the days grew bright with joy.

When I was young,
It is said the rivers and oceans sprang to life
And endless days were celebrated in my honor.

When I grew old,
It was said the leaves fell from the trees like the tears of a broken heart
And the colors of the earth faded in to stories of my youth.

When I died,
It was said the land and seas froze with my last breath
And the sun grew darker in the days of my faded memory.

When they write of me it is the sum of me that tells the story true,
It is said my life brings hope when they speak of me and dream
And death nie eternal for I will be born anew.

The Fallen

I died for you today.
My body torn and brutalized in the name of someone’s God.
The agony of my death etched into the lifeless skin of my face.
Crimson life pooled beneath the folds of my uniform.

I died for you today.
I was your brother, father, mother, son, sister friend and lover.
My mission a lie, but I knew that when I joined.
It’s the principle I upheld to protect my clan.

I died for you today.
My child will never know me nor ever be born.
My lover will never hold me.
I am but a crumpled photograph  in cold, lonely hands.

I died for you today.
So that you will never know the pain of wanting or inhumanity.
So my government can reign supreme with morals built on fear.
So your life will live undisrupted.

I died today.
Cold, lonely and scared in some foreign land.
My name unimportant yet profoundly so.
My life insignificant but only to those that took my last breath.

When I died today.
I took a bullet maybe three.
The searing pain like a hot poker made of salt in an open wound.
I lay helpless dying, screaming as I cast off my last shot.

When I died today.
I did not think of you.
My mother, my family are all that I saw as I cried my final tear.
I was a brave soldier I fought to the end.

I died for you today in a war I did not choose.

…and everything is not as it seems

Prelude:
The lights seem to flicker in hazes of distant memory
A smile transfixed upon faces of the dying
Kind words breaking the shy silenced comfort

Run with me in these solum covered hills
Where grass grows unchallenged in the light
Rain calls to the moments of continued growth
Nature’s healing brush upon the scar of land
Fertile seeds carried upon silent whispers

Broken soil heavy burden new leaves emerge
Snows of fallen petals paint your scattered masterpiece
Renewed cycle follow timeless endings
Grow in life’s endless freedom
A place, a time, a moment relived

Telos:
The mound of broken soil fresh in tender green
Securely in the distance endings swallowed whole
This shallow grave a fortress of tragedy’s hidden terror

Suicide – Thoughts of – TDOR

For the first time in my life I have thought about being dead. I have never thought about actually killing myself. But I have weighed the consequences of the end. I cried so hard after realizing what I was thinking about. It scared me… it has upset me profoundly. For the first time in my life I think I really understand why someone would kill themselves.

Everything just keeps stacking up. Little by little. One becomes tired and withdrawn. One becomes trapped within the pain that is so great the ONLY way to stop it is to die. The outside forces keep beating and beating one down until there is nothing left but a corpse. Every person’s tolerance for emotional and physical pain is different. Everyone experiences life completely different. But what really drives someone to that ultimate moment. Is there one defining moment. Or is it just the weight of it all sitting precariously on the shoulder until that moment when the legs collapse form the weight.

She opened the drawer to her nightstand, the pale brown bottle of sleeping pills sit harmlessly under the child-proof lid. The long dried tears and runs of makeup down her face are the only signs of life once lived…. as she lies down a long forgotten calm quiets her breath. She comforts herself in the warm down comforter. The sun is shining and the sky is filled with blue… everywhere blue. But the beauty is gone. She sees only darkness. Her soft long hair gently spreads out over the pillow. She has put on her favorite nightgown. It is antique white silk with delicate lace and trim. It is old and worn but it is her favorite. As she closes her eyes, she gently and briefly smiles.

Something remembered?

She gently and silently stops breathing… her heart slows… it stops. Her skin goes blueish white and cold. She is gone. The pain is gone.

————————-

What pain is so great that one must die to cease its consumption of the mind and body?
Did she kill herself because she thought it was best for her?
Did she kill herself because it was the only way to get back at others?
Was being alive such a terrible thing?
Was her existence really meant to be?

I wish I knew why she did it. She left us all with no answers. No physical scars or bruises, her beautiful body shapely and soft. Only we can’t see what is inside. I remember her saying how everything kept falling apart. She hinted of the pain of all the hurtful words. The relentless torments. But they were just words right? They cant hurt you.

Or maybe it was something else. She mentioned her financial situation was bleak, jokingly saying she would be on the street soon then she would not have to pay that overpriced rent anymore. I noticed she had lost weight… had she stopped eating? The cupboards were bare except for green tea and crackers.

I’m not too clear on this right now. I.. I am still numb that she is gone. My own tears still drying along my cheeks. Her family and friends had abandoned her, but she had me. She had the others. Loneliness and depression were always a part of her life. I came too late to ease her pain.

—————

On this day of Transgender Remembrance we honor those who have died, were murdered, for being different. Killed for being themselves even in the face of all those who apposed. But I can’t help but now think how many more were driven to their own end for being different. How far can a person be pushed emotionally before they snap?

It is often the dozens of little things that will bring down the strongest. A reed may bend in the wind. But pour over it grains of sand… in time it will fail too.

When does life begin?

Flowers for the Dead. No funeral. No wake. No Memorial. Simply death of the living.
Flowers for the Dead. No funeral. No wake. No Memorial. Simply death of the living.
I died this year.
But I was never dead.
I passed into some strange history, old memories.
Yet I am still here.

My passing was sudden and unexpected.
But still, I am here this very moment, never having departed.
People have and are morning the loss of me.
I never left them all the time still standing before their eyes.

Yet I died this year.
Only months have passed.
I do not feel this loss of me.
I only feel the loss of others who let me go.

Now I am dead.
But my corpse does not decay.
Every moment breathing, heart beating, thoughts fleeting.
Is this what it is like to die?

I have watched them leave.
One by One.
I saw the signs of death.
Yet I could do nothing to stop it.

I am living with death each day.
I am invisible and forgotten.
But my eyes still see those who buried me.
My heart still feels the love I never gave up.

I died this year.
So when does life begin?