A Moment of Peace: A Lifetime of Struggle

Wow did I just ever have a weird experience. I was watching Doctor Who on Netflix just now. To make a long story short this particular episode just unlocked some crazy shit in my head. Well I was in tears for the last 10 minutes of the show. It was a broad mix of joy, sadness and a few others I don’t even really understand. I have cried at all kinds of things, even a Super Bowl commercial for god’s sake. But this was different. Something touched me very, very deeply. I think it pretty much took me by surprise because I was also crying at something deep inside myself. My child. My inner child. The creative soul of my life and probably the only thing that has kept me alive on this planet. Music, art, and the sea are three of the most important things in my life. They are my dreams and my reality.

Somehow the way this episode was written, the actor ( Tony Curran ) who played Vincent van Goh, and my love of this particular artist’s work just clicked into place. Keys that unlocked a slue of emotions and tears. It was all very unsettling and yet it wasn’t. I felt very deeply for the Vincent, his life and his struggle. He loved art so much. He saw things in ways nobody had seen them before. He was ridiculed and made fun of during his own lifetime. His art never being worth as much as a trade for a drink in a local tavern. Until long after his death. I felt for him. There was a scene in this episode where the Doctor took Vincent to the 21 century to a gallery displaying the best of his work. The Doctor gave Vincent something he would never know in his own time. Respect and a moment of peace and happiness in his own mind that he was in fact one of the greatest painters in the history of mankind.

And as sad as it is history cannot be changed. Shortly after the Doctor returns Vincent to his own time, he committed suicide.
A moment of peace in a lifetime of struggle. Yeah I can relate to that.

Below is an excerpt from Wikipedia written about this very episode. I have copied it word for word in hopes it might make sense to you and give you a little insight into what I saw. Sorry I cannot help you to understand what I felt. I’m not completely sure of it myself.

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The actor Tony Curran, playing Vincent van Gogh, is compared to a self-portrait of his character, and there is a remarkable similarity!

 

Vincent and the Doctor” is the 10th episode in the fifth series of British science fiction television series Doctor Who.
The Doctor has taken Amy to the Musée d’Orsay in Paris, where they admire the work of the post-impressionist painter Vincent van Gogh. The Doctor discovers a seemingly alien figure in a window of the painting The Church at Auvers, and decides they must travel back in time to speak to Vincent. In 1890, they find Vincent at a cafe in Arles, a lonely man with a bad reputation, but he opens up when he notices Amy, sensing a loss she herself is not aware of. They discover that recent murders, the victims ravaged by some type of beast, have been blamed on Vincent, and the two resolve to help him.

At Vincent’s home that evening, the artist confesses that his works have little value to anyone else, but he believes the universe is filled with wonders that he must paint. Amy is attacked by an invisible beast that Vincent is able to see and sketch for the Doctor, who identifies it as a Krafayis, a vicious pack-predator likely abandoned on Earth. Knowing the beast will appear when Vincent paints the nearby church the next evening, the Doctor and Amy plan to join him, after which they will leave. Vincent becomes distraught at this news and shuts himself in his bedroom, saying that everyone leaves him in the end. The Doctor and Amy set out to capture the beast, but Vincent soon joins them, eager to help. He confides to Amy that if she can “soldier on, then so can Vincent van Gogh”.

Vincent begins painting the church and soon spots the beast inside. The Doctor demands that Amy stay back as he enters the church alone, but she and Vincent both agree they should help the Doctor. Vincent is able to save the Doctor and Amy, describing the beast’s actions as they hide in the confessionals; the Doctor soon realises from Vincent’s description that the beast is blind, the likely reason it was abandoned. The beast is impaled on Vincent’s easel when it tries to lunge at the artist. The Doctor attempts to soothe the dying creature while Vincent empathises with its pain. After the creature dies, the three return outside the church, and Vincent describes the night sky as he envisions it, deep blue, framed by swirling air.

The next day, the Doctor and Amy prepare to leave. Vincent asks Amy to return and marry him should she leave the Doctor. As Vincent turns to leave, the Doctor offers to show him something. The Doctor and Amy take Vincent in the TARDIS to the present and the van Gogh exhibit at the Musée d’Orsay. Vincent is stunned at the display, and becomes emotionally overwhelmed when he overhears Mr. Black, an art curator, say that van Gogh was “the greatest painter of them all” and “one of the greatest men who ever lived”. They return Vincent to the past, and say their final goodbyes. When Vincent renews his proposal to Amy, she tells him she really “isn’t the marrying kind”. As the Doctor and Amy return to the present, Amy hopes that there will be several more paintings by Vincent waiting for them, but instead learn that Vincent still committed suicide at the age of 37 years. The Doctor explains that life is a mixture of bad and good, and while their brief encounter with Vincent couldn’t undo everything wrong, they added some good to his life. The evidence is in Vincent’s displayed works: the face no longer appears in The Church, and now Vase with 12 Sunflowers bears the inscription, “For Amy”.

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A Moment of Peace

A Moment

For a moment…

The armor turned to veils of translucent, vulnerable, welcoming…

The walls turned to dust in hands of warming comfort…

The thoughts of healed simple pleasures rang true…

The fear that chased away open-hearted song subsided…

The haunted memories of stricken night turned to sunlight…

The comforting embraces lasted a lifetime…

The wishes and desires of two became one…

The sense of belonging embrace a tortured soul…

The momentum carried forward…

…and all was right in worlds of my own making.

But only for a moment.

My Enemy

I’ve seen my enemy
Perched a thousand strong in shadows surround

One thousand million shells hurled
From cannons self inflicted

Running furious a pace of futile design
All defeated in fields of tortured beauty

Lasting holdouts
Breaking walls of stone and flesh

Hunted down in merciless attack
One by one all traces erased from fertile minds

In the distances over time and endless barrage
Shots cry out last undefeatable foe

Chased, perused, hunted and feared
Exchanges powered raging combat

One on one the battle’s hymn
Still standing, firmly planted and refused to die

Infinity trembles wakes of senseless pride
No wall to high nor barrier too deep

The last yet standing
Stalemate’s tortured for ever more

Looking in to eyes fear defeats
My enemy inside

My enemy is me

why do i cry?

why do I cry?
is the pain so great it can only escape my soul as tears?
is the joy so complete I must share it in my eyes?

the tears roll down my cheeks, daily it seems.
they evaporate and spread like the mist over the ocean.
the tears forever streaming, day and night.
they carry my joy, my pain, my sorrow, my thoughts and my love out in to the world.

why do I cry?
is there no more room for what is building inside?
is there no need to keep what is hidden or precious in my mind?

the tears for my love are filled with her memories.
they lesson the pain with each day, yet the memories are sill there.
the tears of my love are seeds to be planted.
they grow in numbers and are spread by the winds.

why do i cry?
is this the way I must travel to feel what is past, what may have been?
is this how I search for what lay dormant inside for so very long?

the tears come unpredictably now, randomly seeking to be born.
they are my only connection with something within.
the tears fall like rain then a mist, a thought, picture, smell or a sound triggering the flow.
they contain all things I have stored in my thoughts, seem in my life, lost in my heart.

why do I cry?
no answers only questions, have I not come far enough?
have I lost my way or grown somewhere deep, somewhere I cannot yet see within my soul?

The answer is obvious l LOVE, HATE, FEAR and feel JOY. Goddess what else?… there must be so, so much more. But is it really that clear so black and white so irrefutable as to be called the truth?

I never knew how to cry my entire life until I set myself free.
Now I am free. I guess something hidden within my being still needs to be too. I tortured myself looking for the key to unlocking my tears. The answer was within me all the time. I never let myself see it. Why did it take so long, half a lifetime almost, to open that door? I am filled with so much now that my freedom is real. Now that I have chosen to live. I have chosen to feel.


why do I cry?
simply,  I have let myself live, let myself feel everything around me.
because I can take it all inside, the compassion, the love, empathy, every single experience real or perceived.

these tears I set free because they must not stay inside.
they are my gift to the world, my offerings to the universe.
these tears are only mine until I pass them on.
they are my gift to you and to myself, proof of life, a life finally living.