In the Wake of Tears

I loved her with all my heart, all my soul
I loved her more than I loved myself
I sacrificed myself for her, for us

But when I could no longer live without loving myself too
I choose to live instead of killing myself
I found the way to loving who I am

Our promise to grow old together
Our promise to love each other no matter what
Or promise ended when we could no longer love each other and love ourselves at the same time

She could not love me for who I am; a soul free from my own torment
And I hate her for that
And that kills me inside every day

Because no matter what I say
Because no matter how much I try to hate her after all these years
Deep down I still love her despite what she did

Either way I died
Either way I still live
Either way loving myself is a promise I will keep

No matter how much hurts
No matter how much it burns
No matter how much I just want it all to stop

I know it get’s better
I know some days are better than others
I know I have to live to love again

Thoughts of a Dying Tree

I turned to see the tree fall in the forest. Crashing like a lake over the forest floor. The branches and leaves splashing over me.

They say the falling tree may never make a sound if no one is there to hear it. It sang to me a requiem of 500 years as it fell.

When and Then

When I was born,
It is said the flowers bloomed and the rains washed away the past
And the days grew bright with joy.

When I was young,
It is said the rivers and oceans sprang to life
And endless days were celebrated in my honor.

When I grew old,
It was said the leaves fell from the trees like the tears of a broken heart
And the colors of the earth faded in to stories of my youth.

When I died,
It was said the land and seas froze with my last breath
And the sun grew darker in the days of my faded memory.

When they write of me it is the sum of me that tells the story true,
It is said my life brings hope when they speak of me and dream
And death nie eternal for I will be born anew.

Dreams are Illustrations…

“Dreams are illustrations…
from the book your soul is writing about you.”

A girlfriend of mine on Twitter just had this tattooed on her arm. How fitting. How Perfect. How simply beautiful. The meaning itself goes so much deeper than the ink in her skin. I know little of her personally but this simple quote speaks volumes about who she it. The moment she posted it I saw doors opening and closing in my mind. Memories, thoughts and ideas of who I am pouring across the milliseconds of time it took to grasp it’s depth of meaning to me.

It describes me, my life and all that I am in every minuted detail in only 12 words.

How is that possible? How can something so simple and meaningless to some have such epic meaning in my reality? I guess to know that you have to know something about me. But then now you do. Now you know everything about me. I have no more secrets, no riddles or questions hidden away to be pried from my dead fingers when that day comes. To understand you must appreciate the art of my life.

My life is a dream. My life has been filled with dreams in dark, unfocused gray on black, in crystal clear technicolor  with symphonic sound and lucid hyper reality upon wings of my own design. My book is filled with all these beautiful, tragic and loving illustrations. I sometimes transpose these dreams into my own reality, my art, my music, my life.

My life is a work of art.  I am that illustration, unfinished and ever evolving. Styles changing and morphing from one to another. My “Blue Period”, my Renaissance, Classical and Modern period all unfolding with each breath. Simply to be the charcoal upon the paper or am I the canvas upon which it is laid?

Dreams are illustrations. And my soul is a master of fine art.

Strength of Life

What heart does not hurt that has not lost
What day is not long that has no sun

Searching, ever searching
My soul the intrepid explorer
The adventure of life
Chances not taken regrettable but past

Why do we not sleep the endless quest for self
Why alone is not a part of our making

Exploring, ever exploring
Unsatisfied lover within
Breaking tradition, rules and sweat
Following paths made of love and ambition

Why is there life after love
Why is death not the fate of a broken heart

Forgiving, ever forgiving
Ourselves, family, frineds and past regressions
Isolation of self answers no prayer
Strength of life to power a galaxy of suns

Why not now when needed most
Why not then when paired in passion and experience

Loving, ever loving
Myself, ourselves requisite firsts to succeed
Not all puzzles fit nor glasses unbroken
Hope in the dark a lone souls bright beacon

Not all answers are songs of a question
Not every moment is shared though felt and remembered

Hoping, ever hoping
Hope is the dream, forgiveness and loving
Living, ever living
Life is the journey, searching and exploring

Hope is the dream, forgiveness and loving

…and everything is not as it seems

Prelude:
The lights seem to flicker in hazes of distant memory
A smile transfixed upon faces of the dying
Kind words breaking the shy silenced comfort

Run with me in these solum covered hills
Where grass grows unchallenged in the light
Rain calls to the moments of continued growth
Nature’s healing brush upon the scar of land
Fertile seeds carried upon silent whispers

Broken soil heavy burden new leaves emerge
Snows of fallen petals paint your scattered masterpiece
Renewed cycle follow timeless endings
Grow in life’s endless freedom
A place, a time, a moment relived

Telos:
The mound of broken soil fresh in tender green
Securely in the distance endings swallowed whole
This shallow grave a fortress of tragedy’s hidden terror

That Which is Important

Pronunciation: \im-?p?r-t?ntespecially Southern & New England -t?nt, -d?nt\


Function: adjective

Etymology: Middle English importante, from Medieval Latin important-, importans, present participle of importare to signify

Marked by or indicative of significant worth or consequence : valuable in content or relationship

As a child growing up in a series of affluent neighborhoods, I learned only some of things I needed to live a happy and fulfilled life. I developed a sense of self and thought I knew what made me happy. As the years peel away so dose the ever evolving sense of self and what is important in life. Values change. Desires change. People change.
The things that are important change with the fulfillment of the basic needs to survive or lack there of. Money, children, careers, hobbies, friends and family are just some of the more important things which mold or chisel away at the concept of importance. Emotions and your sense sense of self evolve and fluctuate with your environment. Sometimes these fluctuations are a daily or even an hourly dance to a new tune.
You really have to just weed through the fickleness of the frequent fluctuations. After that you are left with the more important things in life that really do make a difference. As my mind has cleared over the past couple months, clarity has become an increasingly welcome part of my life.
Family and friends are at the top of my list of the most important parts of my life. I have an amazingly wonderful relationship with my family. In particular my mother. I will likely never have a daughter of my own and I will certainly never be able to have children of my own even if I wanted any. But this is as much a choice I made years ago as it is fate. The importance of not having a child over these past many years will forever be my secret shared with very few.
Love.
I usually save the biggest topics for last or even dedicate an entire blog to them. But I think I just want to get this one out of the way. I do want to fall in love again. Love is an amazing thing and it is a deeply important part of living a meaningful existence for all humans. Despite what some may say. I have been in love before. Deeply in love. The pain of having that ripped away is devastating but it is not the end of life. I have made my peace for now with lost love. This is the only way we can open our hearts again to loving and being loved.
The Ocean
This may seem and odd thing to say is of top importance. Well I know for me it is. I am Pisces and I really do need to be near the waters from which we all came. I am drawn to the sea by an invisible yet palatable force. I will return to the ocean soon. I realize the importance of the beach and the salinity in my life and it must be fulfilled to allow other parts of my self to grow and mature.
What I am trying to say here is, everyone needs an ocean. Not everyone likes the beach or even being in the water. Your ocean may be the desert, the mountains or the island of Manhattan. It is a place in your heart that is bigger than you. It is a place where you feel most at home. You draw comfort and strength by close proximity. Healing your soul with it’s greater majesty is and familiarness goes a surprisingly long way towards happiness. Think about where is important to you as much as what or who.
Self Worth.
Yes, yes, yes. Value yourself. If you cannot do this you will never be happy. Of all things, being at peace with yourself, loving yourself and liking who you are is of utmost importance. How can you value others or even life itself if you do not value your own existence? I think a lot of hate and intolerance in this world is the direct of personal dissatisfaction. Humans by nature seem to think that by displacing their own self loathing or personal dislikes on to others is going to heal what is wrong with themselves. That is simply not going to happen. There can be no hate in healing.
Self Expression
I am not a philosopher. I am not highly educated. I failed miserably in school with one exception. Art. I excelled. My muse comes and goes. My art goes into remission and returns now and then these days. But one thing that is almost as as important to me in life as the air I breath is art and music. These are the tools my inner most demons use to communicate with the outside world. They are the healing and nurturing pieces of my life that help keep my blood flowing. The single most pervasive constants throughout my life have always been art and music. I play guitar and piano and draw and create things with my hands.
My gifts to the world is not the websites I create, the goodness I spread, nor the charity I give but the the words I write, the art I create and the music I play. These are a part of me. Real and tangible pieces of the deepest parts of me. Theses are the expressions of who I am and what is important to me in abstract or concrete form. Of the most important things to me and in my life I have neglected this this most. Only finding solace over the past couple decades in consuming the self expression of others. And this is something I must change to survive and continue to evolve as a passionate, caring woman.
Everyone needs to express themselves in some way to release or feed what is inside your heart, mind and body. The soul remains unfulfilled when it cannot show the world, a friend or lover what lurks inside. It’s not always understood nor appreciated, but you cannot store everything inside. Somethings must be allowed to flow from you. Some things just need to be let free no matter how much they may hurt.
Self expression through whatever means is communication. This is what we really need to understand. This is an art in and of itself through words or actions. So many people today have lost the ability to really communicate. There is too much hostility and rejection. Too many people do not take the time to appreciate or even try to understand what is being expressed by others. Not just words coming from your mouth or words texted in a phone message, but the overall body of work we all create. Cryptic I know. But think about it.
The Basics
I suppose there are so many more things that are important. And what is important to me is not necessarily important to you. Like my cultish love of Sushi or progressive metal or even the beach. But there are some basic importances in everyones life that are common to all. We know what they are. Food, water, shelter, security and even love.
By satisfying theses basic needs you can successfully navigate what is really important in your life. But this statement comes with a warning. There is a catch 22 at work here. Without knowing what is important or satisfying what you feel to be important in your life you may not be able to satisfy the most basic and the most important things in all of our lives.  Kind or a conundrum huh?
Example: If your life sucks and you are not happy with who you are as a person. Maybe you really do not like yourself or there is a nagging deficiency with who you are. Maybe you are gay and still in the closet and it is killing you living a life of lies hiding from everyone you know. Maybe you did something in your past so terrible it eats you from the inside. Maybe you just really hate where you live or your job for what ever silly reason or not. Maybe you have succumb to depression or substance abuse. Maybe all of the above is true….
Sink or Swim and Even Fly.
For what ever reason you are not happy or unchallenged or seemingly unloved. If you allow it to, the important things in your life will become less so. They may even seem unattainable goals or pipe dreams of a grass is greener existence. When you let go and stop working towards attaining the important things in your life, the basic things you need to exist may soon follow and often do.
You cannot let one or even a few crappy things in your life destroy all the other important things in your life. Too many people have become comfortable with giving up and just saying I can’t. I know I have been there myself. It is easy to say I can’t and be miserable that it is to take on the challenges before you and fight to survive and even thrive.
Take this into consideration though. Humanity is still here. We persist and often thrive despite our indifferences and willingness to destroy our planet and each other. Why is this? Because within each of us is the ability to overcome insurmountable odds to become who we are, to become amazing, beautiful creatures of immense compassion and good.

Caring.

It is important to me to care for and about others, this planet and all creatures that inhabit this world and other worlds physical or ethereal. Caring can bring great satisfaction to you and others. Caring can lead to many other wonderful things. All that I have mentioned so far is attainable because I genuinely do care about myself, my friends and family and this world. I’m not saying we all have to love each other. We all don’t even have to be friends. But if we can all take the time to care for each other even just a little bit, all those things, all those important things will become a satisfying part of your life and mine.
The more importance we place on caring the less importance we place on hate. And on that note we conclude. I have a few important things I must do.