The Journal

I wrote in my journal today. It was the first time in over a year since I had written anything. Coming out of depression is scary and amazing. Change is scary and amazing. Living is scary and amazing.

As I sat outside around the corner from my apartment writing outside the coffee shop,  the sun warmed my skin in the cool air. It has been so long since I last wrote. I had so much to put down.  Over 7 pages of the highs and lows of an entire year plus growing plans for this year flowed out. I doodle and ponder while listening to music as I write.  It is therapy. One thing I have learned in my life is that you cannot hold everything inside. It will eat you alive. I have so much to do in a short time. Keeping anxiety at bay is a challenge but I am managing. Moving is stressful enough. Not having a job or a place to live is like walking a fine line next to a minefield. But I am going to make it. I am a very determined woman. I can do anything and mostly in my life, I have. When I set my mind to something it get’s done.

Next for me is jumpstarting my new old career in the arts and music. I wrote in my journal.

“I started off my adult life as an artist. A true tortured soul of an artist. I gave it up for 20 years to do what?”

What?… to learn I should have never given it up to make a lot of money. In the end I did make a lot of money, but it is all gone and it did not make me happy in the long run. It is time to change that. It is time to live for me for a change. I am going to do the things that make me happy. For that provides riches far greater than money. Dreams do come true for me. I make them happen. Maybe not all of them but I don’t give up easy on anything, even my endless pursuit of living a good life,  self love and just being happy.  I will succeed. I always do.

Most Beautiful Woman

The most beautiful woman in the world is not the one with a sash or crown.
She is not the one with a perfect body or the nicest cloths.
She is not the most popular or even the most graceful.
She is the woman you love and the one who loves you for who you are.

The Blade that Severs Hearts

I can never love you
Her words pierce my flesh
My heart is not yours to have
Nor the walls mine to scale
Love is not a word
It is not for us to speak
The time between is only vapor
Breathe out
And watch me fade in the corner of your eyes

I can never trust you
Her words rake the calm from my mind
Something lost
Never to be found
Something taken
Never to be returned
To build anything form nothing remains
Nothing

I feel everything
And it is pain
Love is pain
Laughter is pain
Remembering is pain
Life is pain
I am pain
Forget the pain
It is still pain
My emptiness is filled with her pain

I shall never hear you
Her words reflections of my own
If ever there were peace
It is the silence between us
Scant whispers upon the echoes of the deaf
Meaningless motions in the dark

I will never be happy
Her words pool in the sadness of my own tears
We cannot be happy
Together or apart
We will never be
We will always be
Seeds of hope on a waterless plane

I am broken
And you are dead
In this we find common ground
In this we have the words
Define me not
Our words not understood
Never spoken
Words never heard

I am alone
Everywhere but in my darkness
Her words are my own
It is there we meet
It is there we are safe
It is there we die
In death we find life

I am alive in your voice
Her words an endless note
Just one
A tone repeated
Endless in its healing
Tragic in it’s cage
Set free the note
Set free
Complete the song
Cut our binds and cut our bond

Set free
We are united and whole
By the blade that severs hearts

Where the Sunrise

Where there is courage to rise each day
The shadow of fear covers the path in darkness
Desire stands alone conscious in the obscure of night
Confidence the sacred jewel on a crown of hope

Where there is will

Where there is want of more each moment
The frozen grip of insecurity binds us in our place
Longing reins in the fears rooted in our minds
Strength the tireless companion standing at our side

Where there is courage

Where there is hunger for that outside our grasp
The walls of failure rise to obscure our way
Optimism casts its light on endless mazes
Determination an unstoppable force on the road of achievement

Where there is love

Where there is zest to live each waking moment
The pain of sadness cripples even the most able
Passion fuels the fire that warms our hearts
Love the the golden sunrise in the gift of life

Lover

Lover of life
Your story told in the lines of your face
The joy in your eyes

Lover of life
You see a world unknown to the caged
You run confident in to each day

Lover of life
The world around you vibrates with amazement
Everything old is still new

Lover of life
Friends agape in amazement every story told
Envy the silent companion in your shadow

Lover of life
Each sunrise the golden challis for your wine
Each sunset a joyous wake remembered

Lover of life
Infections warm and unhurried
Neither lead nor follow

Yours is a world of your own invention

Love Is

The truth of love is
… a word unspoken
… a gentle caress of thoughts in a whisper
… seamless moments in a lifetime of passion
… tear filled eyes of joy and pain
… falling and flying day after day
… forgiving the broken glass underfoot
… tracing the lines of her with a brush of lips
… sweet nothings that are everything
… cold nights heated in her arms
… disagreeing, yet respecting what she believes
… understanding
… compassion
… making out in the open window
… girlish giggles as her hand slips under the table
… between the sheets
… on the floor
… in the ocean pulsing to each wave
… hope
… caring
… laughing
… crying
… make up sex on a day started off wrong
… a rose in a vase
… a note left in the top drawer
… a hand wiping away the pain in tear
… standing together for all to see
… trust
… a promise
… catching the wind and flying free
… love
… love

Love
… a word of symbols and actions creating memories and passions
our gift to each other greater than all others

In the Wake of Tears

I loved her with all my heart, all my soul
I loved her more than I loved myself
I sacrificed myself for her, for us

But when I could no longer live without loving myself too
I choose to live instead of killing myself
I found the way to loving who I am

Our promise to grow old together
Our promise to love each other no matter what
Or promise ended when we could no longer love each other and love ourselves at the same time

She could not love me for who I am; a soul free from my own torment
And I hate her for that
And that kills me inside every day

Because no matter what I say
Because no matter how much I try to hate her after all these years
Deep down I still love her despite what she did

Either way I died
Either way I still live
Either way loving myself is a promise I will keep

No matter how much hurts
No matter how much it burns
No matter how much I just want it all to stop

I know it get’s better
I know some days are better than others
I know I have to live to love again

It Is

It is…

The faintest whisper of your voice
The softest touch of your hand
The warmest glow of your spirit
The gentlest stroke of your tongue
The sweetest taste of your lips
The boldest action of your being
The smartest thought of your mind
The brightest moment of your life
The simplest parts of you

It is…

All of you that I love the most