Perception of Time

I looked into the sun and sneezed as my eyes watered and my face felt warm deep into my skull. A 5 year old really does not know any better. Mom held my hand as I cried, blood still fresh on my arm and my clothes. The doctor tried to ease the pain, but the cut was deep to the bone. A 10 year old and a new pocket knife are the first of many hard lessons one can only learn and not be taught.

As I looked out over the ocean towards a distant horizon, I became smaller as the world grew in size around me. The sun set and darkness fell upon the moonless waters. My hands disappeared before me. Startled by unfamiliar sounds and the roar of crashing waves, I sought refuge and safety within. Eyes closed, only the wind leaves tactile traces of the outside world. A waking dream. Floating on the ocean in a boat of own my making. At thirty one only begins to comprehend the scope of the universe and her place on Earth.

The time in between is perceived in growing increments of ever faster moving time. At 48 I remember seeing that 5 year old standing on the side of the road, her gaze always upwards. I remember the sun, the blood and the pain, laughter, love, the open ocean 100 miles from shore and a lifetime of living with spectacular highs and crushing lows. I look back and see that little girl is me and she is still looking to the sky and out in to the distance as the journey unfolds.

Hiding

I pulled the blanket over my eyes
Hoping you could not see me
Or maybe it was really so that I could not see you
My lump of unmoving flesh and bone still
So still as to not draw your attention
Or maybe it was so I could not feel

The perception of motion lost in shallow breaths
The layers of fabric shrouding my very thoughts
Though the corpse lay silent you knew I was there
Or is it that my memory is you trapped within my head

The opaque blackness in which I hide is home to me
Comfort in the darkness of my constructed realm
Or is it the dark inside that cast this shadow of you
Imprisoned behind tightly closed eyelids

I cannot no more dive deep enough beneath the waves
Or run as fast as time gives chase to hide from you
To forget that you are there or ever were
Is to draw the curtains on my life

An escape unworthy of the existence we once share

For a Moment

I thought I heard your name
Turning to look I saw the pipers race across the beach
Edge of the advancing surf
The choreographer in their daily ballet

Long sheets of liquid glass coat the shores
Revealing deep blue skies in the warming sands
A whole universe reflected at my feet
For moment I thought I saw you staring back at me

Morning walks on the beach
Are like the confessional of the senses
Long forgotten memories peak out cautiously
From their cool dark burrows in our minds

The odd wave crashes mightily near the shore
A vision of childhood awakens in the concision
The foamy smell of salty air unlocks a lifetime
I look up seeing playful figures form in the blowing spray

Rushing water erasing footprints
Toes sink into the quickening sand
Water teasing my ankles biting cold then a familiar coolness
For a moment I though I felt your hand in mine

Notice how time slows as we shuffle in the surf
Organic patterns and ripples form around me
Timeless art renewed with each new wave
Pictures in my mind shifted by the years

My mind wanders with my eyes along the horizon
Pelicans gliding effortless over the contours of the sea
An excited dog bolts out across the beach
Playful thoughts returning to the present

I sit below the dunes a broken reed at my feet
A collection of shells arranged in a smile at my side
Left undisturbed the beach will reclaim this spot
The same is true for memories of you

Marks of Pain

A stream of blood trickles down her face.
Unaware her bloodied finger smears the past across the keyboard
A Pause
A Flood of memories
Nervous habits hard to overcome
The long shadowy remnants of the past still digging new wounds
Maybe not consciously
But the fingers know
Unoccupied they dig and pull at the flesh
The bite of a thousand stings subtle scars on her flesh
Flesh abused by words and hate
Flesh tortured by her own hand
She curses the day she discovered pain on the outside masks pain on her inside

And still the blood stains
Marks of a new scar
Marks of an old wound

If only we could forget

Without You

If the wind blows
Let it take my thoughts

If the rains come
Let them wash away my pain

If the sun sets
Let my visions fade

If time stops
Let it erase my memories of ever loving you