The First Step

To be..

A woman in the world without a past
Where childhood memories do not exist or last
Lifelong friendships have frozen in time
Lost to the moment she crossed the line
Her future fear uncertain but true
All in the name of living like you
To cry and scream and love so deep
Endless dreams aroused from sleep
Upon living this life to stay in stride
She longs to breath to stay alive

 

Focused in the task of passing through
… a world of stereotypes, fears and revolving doors

She steps outside the box
… and air fills her lungs

 

Finding

I’ve sailed the seas of sleepless nights
…and endless thought in search of you

Self acceptance
Love of life

A place in the world to call my own

…………………..

I’ve owned things of man bought by the toil of my hand

Done many things adventurous
…foolish and fun

Regrets I have none

…………………..

My search never ends

Rewards of living and giving fill my coffers
Rewards of friends and lovers accompany my mind

I found you there lost and alone
A day of reflection and thoughts to end it all

You cried and screamed in endless vigil
Year after year in silent tears

Faded dreams
Unopened doors
No one path
No one place

You hid amongst the reflections of yourself

But there you were
Always there

Always by my side
…and in my thoughts

I found you
Your strength
Your beauty
Your will to be

…………………..

I found what I was looking for
…it was me

The Blue Fairy

The greatest powers in the universe cannot hold back tears that need to flow free. Mine had been building for a few weeks. I did not cry long or particularly hard. This time I had my mother their to catch me. So many times I have cried in the last 2 years that I wished mom was there. Today she was because I am home for the first time in many years. Today I cried and All I needed was a catalyst.

The Blue Fairy pried the memories from my mind and the tears soon followed. As I watched the movie AI with mom, I realized I had forgotten about the Blue Fairy. The Blue Fairy was to grant David is sole wish in life; to made into a real boy so that he could return home so his mother would love him always. Towards the end of the movie the key to my tears would soon appear. As David steers the craft too the bottom of the ocean where what seems a blue fair stands silently in the ruins of humanity, he finds her and asks her “Blue Fairy, can you make me a real boy?”

The darkened cell in which a certain memory lay captive, silent and seemingly dormant was released. And David became trapped in a prison forever just out of reach of the Blue Fairy to perpetually pray to her to make him real and to be loved.

I too had my Blue Fairy as a child. Endlessly praying to release me from my own prison and to make me “real” too. For me what seems a lifetime, over 30 years, since then my wish was finally granted. But it was not the Blue Fairy to release me from my struggle to “become real.” David’s wish too was granted in a way after 2000 years. And like me the Blue Fairy was not the one to satisfy his dream.

In the end it is not important how each of our wishes came true. It is only fair to say that they did in our own important way. Not the exact way each of us had hoped and dreamed for so so very long. But in others equally as beautiful.

I am not a robot. I have always been real. Just not as real as I was meant to be, but I am now. I have also known unwavering love from my mother. In the end David did too even as she passed in her sleep as he held her hand. The strange irony of standing in the doorway of my bathroom as the tears came before heading off to bed, my head on my mother’s shoulder, struck me even as I cried and told her briefly of my Blue Fairy.

Who Am I?

Who am I?When the walls of self acceptance are crushed within our own hands,
When the shame of who are boils from our veins,
When the world we thought we knew no longer applies,
Who is left?

When one lives outside the box,
When one rediscovers that hidden life,
When the world around is no longer the same,
Who will emerge?

When reason and doubt no longer rule each day,
When a journey taken contradicts everything known,
When the horizon and the future finally converge,
Who can continue?

When there are no more answers,
When there is only self,
When the future is all that stands before you?
Who will survive?

When all that is seen, felt or experienced is reborn,
When life begins,
When all that is left are questions,
Who am I?