The First Step

To be..

A woman in the world without a past
Where childhood memories do not exist or last
Lifelong friendships have frozen in time
Lost to the moment she crossed the line
Her future fear uncertain but true
All in the name of living like you
To cry and scream and love so deep
Endless dreams aroused from sleep
Upon living this life to stay in stride
She longs to breath to stay alive

 

Focused in the task of passing through
… a world of stereotypes, fears and revolving doors

She steps outside the box
… and air fills her lungs

 

To Know Me

Do you know me
Can you claim to unfold my tattered edges
Bindings held together with stubborn lashings
Years upon years repaired
Reinforced
What stories faded in my pages
What comedy laughs in scattered chapters
What tragedy scores dog-eared corners
And then what too is unwritten
Between each line
Softly spoken tales of triumph
And Joy
Between each word
A cry for help
Tears
Between every letter
The essence of me
Human
Fallible
Prose
I know myself to be
A cautious description engraved over time
A daring thriller scribbled in haste
An autobiographical masterpiece of emotion
Art in so few words
To read me is to turn each page
Pealing back the good with the bad
Blowing away the years of settled dust
Layers of sediment obscuring hidden verse
Long forgotten psalms
Better forgotten signs
Secrets
And again I ask
Do you know me
Has light dimmed so much I cannot be read
Has the writing on the wall distracted you
From what lies behind my ragged cover
Have the words seen edits
No one can decipher
Code
The challenge therefore is
To read the unwritten
To glean hope from the unknown
To consume every nuance
To simply
Live inside this shell
Keeper of my life
Lay me at your bedside to consume my every moment
Until the end
The very last word of the very last chapter
On the very last page
The story is my life
In a book with no end

In the Wake of Tears

I loved her with all my heart, all my soul
I loved her more than I loved myself
I sacrificed myself for her, for us

But when I could no longer live without loving myself too
I choose to live instead of killing myself
I found the way to loving who I am

Our promise to grow old together
Our promise to love each other no matter what
Or promise ended when we could no longer love each other and love ourselves at the same time

She could not love me for who I am; a soul free from my own torment
And I hate her for that
And that kills me inside every day

Because no matter what I say
Because no matter how much I try to hate her after all these years
Deep down I still love her despite what she did

Either way I died
Either way I still live
Either way loving myself is a promise I will keep

No matter how much hurts
No matter how much it burns
No matter how much I just want it all to stop

I know it get’s better
I know some days are better than others
I know I have to live to love again

Circling Inside

I wander within my own thoughts
Stepping curiously through the faint echoes and storms
Freshly written places formed time and again from the realities in which I dwell
To linger too long is the introverted’s curse

Pieces of my memories scattered about in chaotic rank and file
Undone wishes airing about the recessed mental spaces
While my dreams vivid and searching battle to be realized
I sit awake in this place longing to feel  the guiding hand of reality

Clashes with who that I am lay upon the littered spaces in my mind
A deeper bed of confusion  and questions strewn to each side as I wander
The cold edge of doubt well within the distance I may fall
Confronting each step in my journey leading down worn and untraveled paths

Hours or maybe seconds spent in fleeting and brooding reflection
A decision made is another called in to question
Trepidation concealing the unlit trails I cross in hope
Markers of prior contemplation etched behind my eyes remembered

Back again on tired clouds of doubt
Back within the flowing rivers of creative satisfaction
Back and forth I go between the processes of my mind
Back as if I’d never gone from the circles I walk inside my head

No closer to the answers, the beginning or the end

Myself, My own

Finding my place
The race to be all of me
Soundly in line
Bold
Untamed
Unashamed
This life of mine

Edge the line crossed and left behind
Full of life and love to give
Hated
Despised
Criticized
I wont apologize
I am not an animal to be caged

Told do live in a box
Told to be a good girl
Don’t fuck with me
Society
Sobriety
You can’t kill the freedom to love

Take my life
You will never take my soul
I exist despite your rage
Your hate
Your cage
I live outside your pitiful book of rules

Art in my mind
The art of my self
Created
Unabated
My fire burns for all my sisters brothers and fools

Refuse
To be
Accept
I am free

Lover
Alive
Strive to be
The best damn women

No one’s cage
No one’s rule

I live outside the frame of societies tired game

Strength of Life

What heart does not hurt that has not lost
What day is not long that has no sun

Searching, ever searching
My soul the intrepid explorer
The adventure of life
Chances not taken regrettable but past

Why do we not sleep the endless quest for self
Why alone is not a part of our making

Exploring, ever exploring
Unsatisfied lover within
Breaking tradition, rules and sweat
Following paths made of love and ambition

Why is there life after love
Why is death not the fate of a broken heart

Forgiving, ever forgiving
Ourselves, family, frineds and past regressions
Isolation of self answers no prayer
Strength of life to power a galaxy of suns

Why not now when needed most
Why not then when paired in passion and experience

Loving, ever loving
Myself, ourselves requisite firsts to succeed
Not all puzzles fit nor glasses unbroken
Hope in the dark a lone souls bright beacon

Not all answers are songs of a question
Not every moment is shared though felt and remembered

Hoping, ever hoping
Hope is the dream, forgiveness and loving
Living, ever living
Life is the journey, searching and exploring

Hope is the dream, forgiveness and loving

The Battle Rages On.

For those of you who know me, I have been through some wicked radical changes in the past couple of years. The specifics of change are only marginally important most of the time. Sometimes not. I am a woman of change. I have seen and done things most people cannot imagine. But I am still just me. A bright and often animated person still searching for her spot on the field.

I consider myself an extremely lucky person. Especially considering I am an open and out lesbian in a world that seems so hell bent on not allowing people to live an d be happy. I have a great family who has been there every step of the way since my formal self outing. I have some good frineds and many acquaintances. I have a great job with a really good company. I and I live in a nice little quiet nook in San Francisco.

What more could I want?

A lot more actually. I may be a forty-something goddess in control of her life. But I am also still a teenager at heart more often than I admit. I am fickle and want every freaking thing now. Change happens and I want it over and done with. I sen my eye or my heart on something and I want it started or done yesterday. I know this is not how life works. I cannot keep up the light speed change of pace I often expect in my life.

And this is where the battle begins.

Me fighting myself. Nichole vs. Nikki. It’s tantamount to insanity. The seemingly endless skirmishes with my own sense of self and desire class often sending me off on wildly divergent paths. The unfortunate victim in this constant flux is me. The wounds are often intense depression and even overwhelming anxiety.

Over the past month I have been stuck in a perpetual black hole of depression and questioning everything in my life. I can usually pull myself out of this funk within a few days or even a week tops. Not this time. It was so profound I upped my therapy sessions. Slept way too much and stayed up way too late thinking.

Thinking is my enemy. I have written several poems about my struggle. “My Enemy” being the most recent. I often write as a result of these “moments” of struggle. If I don’t write for more than a week it is not a good sign. It means I am losing the battle. Of all things I have struggled with in my life, depression has been the cruelest of foes. And the one battle where I have never really come out the victor.Though I keep trying.

Giving up is giving in. I have vowed too never give up. I have come to far and accomplished to much to just hand in the keys to my life and let something or someone else drive. Last week just before the Pride festivities I suddenly and inexplicably found myself emerging from the month long battle over depression. This time I really can’t put my finger on how I did it. I am just glad that I did. So here I am back to writing. Back to living. And back to enjoying the feeling of sunshine on my face.

My Enemy

I’ve seen my enemy
Perched a thousand strong in shadows surround

One thousand million shells hurled
From cannons self inflicted

Running furious a pace of futile design
All defeated in fields of tortured beauty

Lasting holdouts
Breaking walls of stone and flesh

Hunted down in merciless attack
One by one all traces erased from fertile minds

In the distances over time and endless barrage
Shots cry out last undefeatable foe

Chased, perused, hunted and feared
Exchanges powered raging combat

One on one the battle’s hymn
Still standing, firmly planted and refused to die

Infinity trembles wakes of senseless pride
No wall to high nor barrier too deep

The last yet standing
Stalemate’s tortured for ever more

Looking in to eyes fear defeats
My enemy inside

My enemy is me