60 Seconds in My Head: Hyperpensia OCD

Hyperpensia OCD; A harmless yet highly annoying and mentally exhausting condition characterized  by too much thinking, usually uncontrolled though with extreme fast, repetitive, overlapping micro thoughts, memories and internalized vocalization. Often accompanied by a subconscious tic or hyper awareness of tactile sensations like itching, teeth grinding or tapping, bouncing or shaking of leg or foot.

The following is 60 seconds inside my. This is what I have to deal with ever day of my life, even sleeping sometimes. This is not meant as a joke or satyrical post. It is real. I even came up with the word for this condition.  The only time I get a break from the madness is playing my guitar, drawing or painting or taking a certain herbal remedy. Meditation helps but only with the right music and earphones. Music is the only thing that completely silences my mind. Now for the insanity.

60 Seconds…

(wakes up, getting lighter outside)
(tap tap tap… tap)
I have to stop this OCD. Just say no to OCD.

Just say no to OCD. Just say no to OCD. Just say no to OCD. Just say no to OCDJust say no to OCD Just say no to OCD…
Itch on my toe. Just say no to OCD. Just say no to OCD…
Itch on my head. (Scratching) Just say no to OCD. Just say no to OCD. Just say no to OCD…
STOP… Just say no to OCD. Just say no to OCD… Just say no to OCD
(one line of chorus from an Adam Lambert song playing over and over )
I’m here for your entertainment…
Just say no to OCD…
What was that noise…
Just say no to OCD. Just say no to OCD… NIKK STOP IT!
(teeth tapping like morse code. tap tap tap… tap tap… tap.. tap…)
I’m here for your entertainment…
Just say no to OCD… (teeth tapping)
I’m here for your entertainment…
Just say no to OCD… (teeth tapping)
I’m here for your entertainment… (teeth tapping)
Just say no to OCD…
GOD DAMMIT STOP. (teeth tapping)
(random though)
(roll over in bed) (teeth tapping)
I’m here for your entertainment… I’m here for your entertainment… I’m here for your entertainment… I’m here for your entertainment… (teeth tapping) I’m here for your entertainment… I’m here for your entertainment… (teeth tapping) I’m here for your entertainment… (teeth tapping)
(random though about farming)
(Work thoughts)
(random thought about my garden)
I’m here for your entertainment… I’m here for your entertainment… 
(please just go back to sleep)
(teeth tapping)(teeth tapping)(teeth tapping)(teeth tapping)
I’m here for your entertainment… 
(random thought wonder what Juv and Stei are up to)
Just say no to OCD…
(FLOOD of overlapping (random thought))(teeth tapping) ((random thought)((random ((random thought ))thought)))
I’m here for your entertainment…
(brain overloads)

I fall back asleep and there is silence

Ambient in the Dark

A warm glow fills the room with ambient life.
It dances it’s colorful song in abundance just outside my window.
I peer into the light.
My restless limbs heavy as I turn.
My dreams all but faded into the subconscious.
The light beckons as it burns.
The sound of my heart broken by a passing train.

How did I get here again?

I have known the darkest places in my mind.
Felt life slipping away.
Held death in it’s last breath in my arms.

How is it the finest of threads holds so strong?

Unseen in this darkest of places.
It is not my heart that hurts, but my soul.
Even in her smile, her laughter, her love
… darkness consumes.

Holding on to this little white pill.
Is it for me?
Or is it for society?

Holding on.
It’s what we do until the universe claims it’s ground.
Until the weight of life is so faint, gravity pulls it beneath the waves.

This song is not about the living.
Nor these words a burden to bare.
Some are ghosts among us.

Some are the art and scars we carry deep inside our soul.

Where Demons Dwell

Mountains rise in wakes of troubled thoughts
Mere ripples turned swells of rolling rage
Stirred torrents of doubt and question
Blanket waters once still with unstayed ferocity
Anger, fear, temptation and lust drown reason

As my mind wanders in places where demons dwell

Circling Inside

I wander within my own thoughts
Stepping curiously through the faint echoes and storms
Freshly written places formed time and again from the realities in which I dwell
To linger too long is the introverted’s curse

Pieces of my memories scattered about in chaotic rank and file
Undone wishes airing about the recessed mental spaces
While my dreams vivid and searching battle to be realized
I sit awake in this place longing to feel  the guiding hand of reality

Clashes with who that I am lay upon the littered spaces in my mind
A deeper bed of confusion  and questions strewn to each side as I wander
The cold edge of doubt well within the distance I may fall
Confronting each step in my journey leading down worn and untraveled paths

Hours or maybe seconds spent in fleeting and brooding reflection
A decision made is another called in to question
Trepidation concealing the unlit trails I cross in hope
Markers of prior contemplation etched behind my eyes remembered

Back again on tired clouds of doubt
Back within the flowing rivers of creative satisfaction
Back and forth I go between the processes of my mind
Back as if I’d never gone from the circles I walk inside my head

No closer to the answers, the beginning or the end

The Darkest Place

There is a place so dark I cannot go.
The heart runs cold and the soul lives alone.
Thoughts oft surface soon set on the wind.
Hopes no return they should never come again.

Dinner Alone

These nights alone.
Transient wastelands of lonely thoughts.

Hopeful flights of fancy encourage endless desire.

Desire… desire to be held in life’s intimate embrace alongside friends or a lover not yet met.

What is the measure of a person?
The things they have done.
The Things they have seen.
Things accumulated.

Or love and friends they know…
or have lost and are sure to have again.

Well what the heck do I do now? and Random thoughts

So. In the past year and a half I have:

  • Hit rock bottom depressed
  • Moved of our boat after 2 year of living aboard
  • Got meds
  • Put the boat up for sale
  • Started therapy for GID
  • Come to terms with who I am.
  • No longer as depressed
  • Cut my drinking WAY, WAY back
  • Started taking care of myself more
  • Started living more true to myself but not completely so
  • Met some great people
  • Started going out for fun
  • Made some real friends
  • Bought 2 very expensive guitars and a home recording studio
  • No longer depressed
  • Got a good Job at a start up with a Psycho CEO at the helm
  • Seriously improved my wardrobe  by getting rid of most of my guy cloths
  • Alienated my wife and soul mate
  • Got somewhat depressed again
  • Tried to mend things with my wife by not being so Nichole
  • Realized I can’t even pretend to do the previous bullet anymore
  • Went on a nice vacation with my Wife or is it Girlfriend now?
  • LOst
  • Split up my marriage – mutually agreed actually
  • Got really depressed and empty
  • Got a bit overwhelmed
  • Decided transition is where I am headed
  • Got less depressed
  • Realized there is still much to be done
  • Have not told anyone in my family or old friends
  • Occasionally do realize it is not all bad and gloomy, REALLY I DO!
  • …..

Damn I know I forgot something. I know there are some good things in there somewhere. So what the heck do I do now? I will have a great big condo to myself now, a wife that still loves me as a friend but can’t be around me. An uncertain future. Job: OMG do I ever tell them at some point I would have too is I start HRT this year.

  • I have not balanced a checkbook or done taxes in 15 years. I have never been alone for more than a few days.
  • I need to exercise a lot more. I need to lose 40 lbs.
  • I need those shoes to be manufactured in size 12 damn-it!!! is that so fucking hard to do?
  • I am going to get my beard removed next month… and then more
  • I need to start a financial plan, seriously
  • I need to get my own insurance.
  • What is that rattling. OMG I need to take my car in for repair$$$$
  • I need to find a smaller place at half the price.
  • I need to finally get rid of the crap in the garage we have been carrying around for years.
  • Is that the beach I see.. OMG I live in San Diego. I need to get out more.
  • Hiking, Biking (Do I remember how), kayaking
  • I must help other people. I am not that bad off.
  • Hillary or Obama… damn-it why no “No Confidence” chads?
  • Must go see grandma… she is 95 and not getting any younger
  • Must see my Nephew before I turn into Auntie Nichole
  • Gotta pee goes  somewhere in here
  • I MUST start recording my music
  • I MUST BE HAPPY and stay HAPPY
  • Ah yes… need to vacuum more often
  • Want my cake and eat it too!!!
  • People are just fucked in the head…. except me and a few others
  • 7.5+/- billion years from now none of this will matter  anymore because the Earth will cease to exist and I will have probably already died.. maybe… or at least moved to the next closest solar system
  • How much is that Prada Bag?