Well what the heck do I do now? and Random thoughts

So. In the past year and a half I have:

  • Hit rock bottom depressed
  • Moved of our boat after 2 year of living aboard
  • Got meds
  • Put the boat up for sale
  • Started therapy for GID
  • Come to terms with who I am.
  • No longer as depressed
  • Cut my drinking WAY, WAY back
  • Started taking care of myself more
  • Started living more true to myself but not completely so
  • Met some great people
  • Started going out for fun
  • Made some real friends
  • Bought 2 very expensive guitars and a home recording studio
  • No longer depressed
  • Got a good Job at a start up with a Psycho CEO at the helm
  • Seriously improved my wardrobe  by getting rid of most of my guy cloths
  • Alienated my wife and soul mate
  • Got somewhat depressed again
  • Tried to mend things with my wife by not being so Nichole
  • Realized I can’t even pretend to do the previous bullet anymore
  • Went on a nice vacation with my Wife or is it Girlfriend now?
  • LOst
  • Split up my marriage – mutually agreed actually
  • Got really depressed and empty
  • Got a bit overwhelmed
  • Decided transition is where I am headed
  • Got less depressed
  • Realized there is still much to be done
  • Have not told anyone in my family or old friends
  • Occasionally do realize it is not all bad and gloomy, REALLY I DO!
  • …..

Damn I know I forgot something. I know there are some good things in there somewhere. So what the heck do I do now? I will have a great big condo to myself now, a wife that still loves me as a friend but can’t be around me. An uncertain future. Job: OMG do I ever tell them at some point I would have too is I start HRT this year.

  • I have not balanced a checkbook or done taxes in 15 years. I have never been alone for more than a few days.
  • I need to exercise a lot more. I need to lose 40 lbs.
  • I need those shoes to be manufactured in size 12 damn-it!!! is that so fucking hard to do?
  • I am going to get my beard removed next month… and then more
  • I need to start a financial plan, seriously
  • I need to get my own insurance.
  • What is that rattling. OMG I need to take my car in for repair$$$$
  • I need to find a smaller place at half the price.
  • I need to finally get rid of the crap in the garage we have been carrying around for years.
  • Is that the beach I see.. OMG I live in San Diego. I need to get out more.
  • Hiking, Biking (Do I remember how), kayaking
  • I must help other people. I am not that bad off.
  • Hillary or Obama… damn-it why no “No Confidence” chads?
  • Must go see grandma… she is 95 and not getting any younger
  • Must see my Nephew before I turn into Auntie Nichole
  • Gotta pee goes  somewhere in here
  • I MUST start recording my music
  • I MUST BE HAPPY and stay HAPPY
  • Ah yes… need to vacuum more often
  • Want my cake and eat it too!!!
  • People are just fucked in the head…. except me and a few others
  • 7.5+/- billion years from now none of this will matter  anymore because the Earth will cease to exist and I will have probably already died.. maybe… or at least moved to the next closest solar system
  • How much is that Prada Bag?

What I Seek.

What I seek,
Is a home for my soul,
A place to rest my weary mind,
Love to warm my heart,
And someone to share it all with.

What I seek,
Is understanding and compassion,
A place of acceptance where I may thrive,
Deep Friendships to fill my life,
And laughter to ease the pain.

What I seek,
Is what we all must have,
Love, Warmth, Compassion, Acceptance, Friendship and Laughter,
And I will share it with you all.

Nikki’s Dream