Broken Glass

Art is
Broken glass
Cast into turbulent seas
In time
Washed ashore
Polished and refined
It forms the sands
Upon which we lie
Drifting away
In warm silence
Lost in the cacophony
Of our own dreams

60 Seconds in My Head: Hyperpensia OCD

Hyperpensia OCD; A harmless yet highly annoying and mentally exhausting condition characterized  by too much thinking, usually uncontrolled though with extreme fast, repetitive, overlapping micro thoughts, memories and internalized vocalization. Often accompanied by a subconscious tic or hyper awareness of tactile sensations like itching, teeth grinding or tapping, bouncing or shaking of leg or foot.

The following is 60 seconds inside my. This is what I have to deal with ever day of my life, even sleeping sometimes. This is not meant as a joke or satyrical post. It is real. I even came up with the word for this condition.  The only time I get a break from the madness is playing my guitar, drawing or painting or taking a certain herbal remedy. Meditation helps but only with the right music and earphones. Music is the only thing that completely silences my mind. Now for the insanity.

60 Seconds…

(wakes up, getting lighter outside)
(tap tap tap… tap)
I have to stop this OCD. Just say no to OCD.

Just say no to OCD. Just say no to OCD. Just say no to OCD. Just say no to OCDJust say no to OCD Just say no to OCD…
Itch on my toe. Just say no to OCD. Just say no to OCD…
Itch on my head. (Scratching) Just say no to OCD. Just say no to OCD. Just say no to OCD…
STOP… Just say no to OCD. Just say no to OCD… Just say no to OCD
(one line of chorus from an Adam Lambert song playing over and over )
I’m here for your entertainment…
Just say no to OCD…
What was that noise…
Just say no to OCD. Just say no to OCD… NIKK STOP IT!
(teeth tapping like morse code. tap tap tap… tap tap… tap.. tap…)
I’m here for your entertainment…
Just say no to OCD… (teeth tapping)
I’m here for your entertainment…
Just say no to OCD… (teeth tapping)
I’m here for your entertainment… (teeth tapping)
Just say no to OCD…
GOD DAMMIT STOP. (teeth tapping)
(random though)
(roll over in bed) (teeth tapping)
I’m here for your entertainment… I’m here for your entertainment… I’m here for your entertainment… I’m here for your entertainment… (teeth tapping) I’m here for your entertainment… I’m here for your entertainment… (teeth tapping) I’m here for your entertainment… (teeth tapping)
(random though about farming)
(Work thoughts)
(random thought about my garden)
I’m here for your entertainment… I’m here for your entertainment… 
(thirsty)
(please just go back to sleep)
(teeth tapping)(teeth tapping)(teeth tapping)(teeth tapping)
I’m here for your entertainment… 
(random thought wonder what Juv and Stei are up to)
Just say no to OCD…
(FLOOD of overlapping (random thought))(teeth tapping) ((random thought)((random ((random thought ))thought)))
I’m here for your entertainment…
(brain overloads)

I fall back asleep and there is silence

Steinunn

Steinunn

This a recent digital portrait I did on my iPad. Steinunn is a wonderfully talented musician and a great friend from Iceland.

Girl in Pink

My latest portrait done in graphite on paper. I am starting to feel my abilities slowly coming back to me. I will never give up my art again.

2014-05-29 21.07.54

My Song

Younger than my age.
Not safe for work.
Articulate, sometimes.
Liberal, always.
I pulled a u-haul behind my jeep and I moved in, with myself.
BIG sailboats out of the sight of land.
Jeep in a Baja MX desert way out of sight of man.
Wreck diving the Philippines.
Sleeping bag under the stars in the bed of a good friend’s pickup.
The National Gallery all day long.
No words in my songs.
Oil paint on a white skirt.
Motor oil on everything but the engine I rebuilt.
Teddy bear named BooBoo in my bed.
Four pillows for my legs, arms and head.
Laughing until I cry.
A few more hours I almost died.
Best friend I met in Sweden.
West Coast you are my Eden.
The beach, ocean and stars above.
20 pounds lost after 20 years the same.
Labels do no justice to the person I am.
Two lives lived, I have loved lost and am…
Complex and confident.
I never kissed a man.
Accepting the variety of us all.
But my own worst enemy when I fall.
Not a Rose but an Orchid or maybe just star.
Falling from the skies, I am stardust as are we all.
Friend, daughter, aunt, cousin but never a mom.
I am an artist, musician, nerd and this is my song.

Young captain, this aging ship.

When the mind and the body are in two different worlds, one seeks the other never meeting in between. Young is my heart and playful the mind. Drawn to youth and racing away the same. Foolhardy feelings lend to adventures and unsettling moments. Bold, gentle steps into the open I go. Many lives lived and many more to go. Young is my heart and creative my mind. Never satisfied with the present, my past left behind. I’ll build a great castle with walls crumbling down. See me. Feel me. I am none of deaf, dumb or blind. But touch me deep where only the mind may roam. One woman, one heart, many journeys must I live. Young is my heart and determined my mind. Let me not fall into old. Graceful steps. Frightening leaps. I venture forward. Youth chasing dreams. Aging vessel chasing time.

The Journal

I wrote in my journal today. It was the first time in over a year since I had written anything. Coming out of depression is scary and amazing. Change is scary and amazing. Living is scary and amazing.

As I sat outside around the corner from my apartment writing outside the coffee shop,  the sun warmed my skin in the cool air. It has been so long since I last wrote. I had so much to put down.  Over 7 pages of the highs and lows of an entire year plus growing plans for this year flowed out. I doodle and ponder while listening to music as I write.  It is therapy. One thing I have learned in my life is that you cannot hold everything inside. It will eat you alive. I have so much to do in a short time. Keeping anxiety at bay is a challenge but I am managing. Moving is stressful enough. Not having a job or a place to live is like walking a fine line next to a minefield. But I am going to make it. I am a very determined woman. I can do anything and mostly in my life, I have. When I set my mind to something it get’s done.

Next for me is jumpstarting my new old career in the arts and music. I wrote in my journal.

“I started off my adult life as an artist. A true tortured soul of an artist. I gave it up for 20 years to do what?”

What?… to learn I should have never given it up to make a lot of money. In the end I did make a lot of money, but it is all gone and it did not make me happy in the long run. It is time to change that. It is time to live for me for a change. I am going to do the things that make me happy. For that provides riches far greater than money. Dreams do come true for me. I make them happen. Maybe not all of them but I don’t give up easy on anything, even my endless pursuit of living a good life,  self love and just being happy.  I will succeed. I always do.