Meh. Where to start?
A new blog. A new life. A new… well pretty much EVERY fricking thing in my life is new since I came out to the world in May 2008. Who, What May 2008? Are you kidding me? What are you 12? What took you so damn long?
Hmm… good question.
When I was in collage way back in the 80s and early 90s. I remember distinctly telling several of my girlfriends I was a lesbian. They always laughed and said “No you aren’t. You can’t be a lesbian.” I always retorted with why the hell not? Needless to say my queerness never really came to life living in the conservative bible belt. In fact I only knew one gay person in collage. Seems the rest of us were in hiding or Drama Majors. I being the fine arts major could be a little odd but it was still not safe too be gay even in a school of over 16,000 students. In fact I don’t think the school even had any queer resources at the time.
Flash forward to May 2008. I came out to EVERYONE and I was open about it. Basically I could no longer live with myself or rather my other self. The closet was too damn small and maid service was not included. Forget the very long term relationship that had just ended. I don’t want to get into it because it will just complicate matters now. Let’s just say I thought we were in love and I am pretty sure we were. But my X being the cold heart person they turned out to be decided otherwise. Love knows no boundaries does it? Apparently it does and I am a single woman for the first time in 20 years.
What is done is done. We move on because we cannot change nor get those years back.
The aftermath of my big coming out was actually pretty amazing. My family was in shock obviously, and I was prepared for rejection. Or at least I think I was. But that is not what happened. In fact quite the opposite. I love my mom and dad so much. My entire family has been a blessing. In fact all my friends are still my friends with exception of a small group of mutual friend I had with my X. People who are willing to lie to your face about things are not your friends.
My life is about truth. Sometimes is is brutal and hard to digest but lies and living with the rotting skeletons in the closet are not what I call living. How can you be happy with all that kind of baggage weighing you down.
So I am a queer woman.
I am in fact very proud of this fact and I am very open about it. I really love woman. All women. Some more than others, yes. But there is something in a woman’s heart and soul that no man can come close too. I’m still trying to figure out what that it is but if I never do I am fine with that. I just feel it and I see it. In fact my mom has it. If mom was gay she would be one of the most sought after gay women on earth I think.
The sorority of women can be an amazing place too be. The way two woman can love each other without being gay is a thing of beauty. The deepness of friendships and the freedom to be whomever you want is something of a wonder in this world. Not all women find that freedom of course and many live in fear of who they are queer or not. But when a woman is free within herself and her world anything is possible. And her beauty shines like the brightest of stars.
Now I am no Elle MacPherson nor Gabrielle Reece. But I am a strong attractive woman. FYI: I will have Gabrielle’s body by next year. I will be 44 years old next year too and damn sure as the sun rises and sets I am going to finally have the bod I have always desired. See all those year in the closet are not healthy. The can make you feel and even look unattractive and the results can be, well, less than desirable on your real body. This cougar will get what she wants.
But as I was saying, I may not be the poster child of femininity and beauty but I think what I have inside more than makes up for that. And I know it radiates out. My inner shine is getting brighter without the burdens of my past containing it. I just need to learn to let myself shine more freely.
The thing that is still a bit of a mystery to me is how do other women pick up on that inner glow of mine? I mean how do you be a lesbian and set off the almighty gaydar for other woman to scan? Most people think I am straight. I am not going to slap a sign in my forehead to solve this little puzzle either.
I was reading earlier today on a women’s site about Lesbian Fashion. How funny is that? Lesbians have fashion sense?! Of course they do. I have my own look and it is ever evolving, but I can comfortably say it is not the typical lesbo-chic the media seems to portray gay women wearing. Yes I have my typical sterotypesd les fashion days but not every day. I am probably best described as tomboy-femme most of the time, but I do love to get all dolled up too.
I care what I look like and I am sucker for media driven high fashion. I can’t afford it, but if I could I would strut around in a pair of Christian Louboutin pumps or those to die for boots every day just about. I love my sort skirts and sexy tops. I have a nice rack and I paid damn good money for them so I sure as heck gonna show them off a bit. Slutty teenager I am not but I do have a sexy little tease side of me. But does that mask out the gaydar registration potential?
Good question. How do the lipstick lesbians set off that magical radar? More mysteries for me to uncover in my new life. Maybe I don’t exactly set off the dar yet or fit the typical lesbo jello-mold but I’m gonna work on that just by being myself. I refuse to try and “look” queer just so I can be queer. I think a lot of the younger women do fall into that trap.
So being a very tall, queer Amazon is not a bad thing as I use to imagine. I was always so hung up about being such a tall woman. It really made me very self conscious. I am not any more. It makes me more unique. Shopping for cloths and shoes is a PIA, but I seem to manage that OK. With all the women out there that where shoes larger than size 10, I just don’t understand why there are not more cute shoes in my size. It really chaps my ass sometimes. Clothing is easier and when I get that body I always wanted I will have no problems in the clothing department.
In the end all this stuff adds up to one thing. CONFIDENCE. That is what it is all about anyway. By freeing myself from the closet and accepting who I am as a woman, a tall person and out lesbian, I have given myself something many people seem to lack. The ability too exist peacefully within my own skin and live happily outside of the box. Besides who wants to be “normal” anyway.
I am not normal. I am proud of that. I am comfortable with that. And I am happy with that. I am a queer woman and it is OK.
Normal is an evolutionary dead end. Diversity rules.